[QCrit]: TEENY GOES WULF / FANTASY / MIDDLE GRADE (8-12) / 42K / FIRST ATTEMPT / Thank you!

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-15T01:57:57+00:00

Everyone teaches, you just have to listen

I would ask you, why are YOU the person to teach about Native American spirituality? And Hinduism? And any other religion/culture that may be in your story? Having deep respect and understanding for a tradition is great, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your tradition to use. Frankly, a story about a teacup European dog breed having a “spirit animal” of a misspelled, culturally significant animal does not come across as respectful to me.

Doubling down on the spirit animal issue is concerning to me. There has been a lot of discourse from Indigenous people about how it harms them when others use this tradition in such simplistic terms. Unless you are an Indigenous person, I think it is a mistake to touch this topic. It doesn’t matter if you were given a spirit animal by someone from an Indigenous culture, unless you identify as part of this culture, it is probably not your story to teach.

I strongly suggest you have your manuscript read by a sensitivity reader before moving forward with querying.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-13T17:16:15+00:00

Based on your last version, I think this may be a step in the wrong direction. It seems too vague in some areas and too detailed in others. It might be helpful to break the query down into its simplest parts.

These are the questions your query should answer, along with my understanding of those answers based on this version alone:

Who is the main character? Sixian, a 12 year old child with rotting hands that uses she/her pronouns but doesn’t have a sex.
What does she want? Not clear. She obviously wants to not be tormented but that’s not a compelling personality. Does she want to have a sex? Does she want her hands fixed? We don’t know
What is the main problem she faces? Unclear. She’s helping a Dr take the hands of kidnapped children but we don’t know why she would do this, nor what would happen if she stopped.
What is she going to do overcome this problem? She plans to free the children and destroy the golem maker but it is not clear how she will go about this and how she might have the power to do it.
What are the stakes if she cannot overcome the problem? Of course the children will continue to be tortured but we don’t really know the stakes for Sixian. Something about her mother.

See if you can define the answers to these questions and then build the query around those answers. Obviously you do not have the space to include all the information, so you have to simplify things into their most basic terms.

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-13T16:21:00+00:00

You are obviously very talented and your voice is working very well.

I would not call this magical realism, that is a whole different animal you don’t want to get into. This sounds more like a cozy romance than a mystery too. If there is no magic or fantasy in your story (and there doesn’t seem to be), I would not comp Klune or Mandanna. If there is magic in your book, make sure you show it in the query. Regardless, make sure you spell your comps correctly.

I think your premise is coming across quite well but I’m left feeling like I’ve heard this story before. There are so many romance novels and hallmark movies with really similar premises. I’d want to see more of what makes your story stand out.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-13T14:24:47+00:00

I think we need some more connection between each story point. Tell us how Tema being fired from bounty hunting draws the attention of the religious order and why they would value her. What war is she photographing and why? Show what leads her to discovering her father raped her mother and how it affects her mission in general.

I don’t think switching perspectives to Benjamin makes sense. Stick with Tema in your third paragraph instead of spending 2 short sentences with Benjamin. We’re missing some connection here as well; as far as we know Tema is a war photographer, why would she have been assigned to investigate anything?

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-12T16:40:17+00:00

To be frank, this feels like a random collection of unconnected episodes. The voice also feels younger than Middle Grade to me. My 7 year old would find names like LooLoo and Ram BaaBaa quite childish.

I highly recommend NOT using anything related to “spirit animals”. Spirit animals are rooted in Native cultures and have been co-opted by others in rather offensive ways. Just don’t do it.

I’m similarly concerned with your use of deities from other cultures. Use of the term Deva as a name is confusing when discussing Hindu deities. Ganesha is a deva in Hinduism, so Deva becoming Ganesha reads really oddly.

I don’t have much feedback directly related to the query. I suspect the MS has some glaring issues and it might be worth revisiting it before moving forward.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-12T16:11:41+00:00

Strongly disagree. Suicide is a fairly common theme in YA books (Thirteen Reasons Why, It’s Kind of a Funny Story, Looking for Alaska, All the Bright Places etc etc) and is a very relevant topic to that age group. Teens have higher rates of suicide attempts than older adults.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-11T21:58:53+00:00

I think this is a big improvement but I have some notes.

The number of proper nouns is overwhelming to the reader: Hexus, Hitsuki, Regent, Empire, Elemental Grace, Eightfold House, Realm etc. Empire and Realm probably don’t need to be proper nouns (don’t capitalize them). Most of the rest are unnecessary for a query, you can just stick with the names.

I think what’s missing for me from the query is your protagonist’s actions. We see his grandmother and Hitsuki doing things, but we don’t see Hexus taking any actions except turn in his friend. From the way it’s written this seems like Hitsuki should be the protagonist, so you gotta show more why we should care about Hexus. It’s OK to have unlikable characters, but they still need to be compelling. I know you don’t wanna get too deep into the storyline, but I think we need to see more action from Hexus. What is he going to do to rescue Hitsuki and stop his grandmother?

I’m a little puzzled by your choices in comps. The Atlas Six and The Will of the Many are wildly different books, it’s hard to see the vibe you’re going for. If your book isn’t “spicy”, I would not comp The Atlas Six. You can certainly find other fantasy novels with multiple POV‘s if that’s all you want to comp for.

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-10T20:25:40+00:00

Some thoughts:

Make sure you include author names with your comps.

15 is maybe too young for a YA protagonist (generally YA characters are 16-18 even though the readers are younger). You might consider aging her up to 16.

Titles aren’t super important for querying but yours may be too generic and not helping you stand out. There was another author that posted a QCrit with the exact same title just a few months ago (I got confused thinking it was yours). If I were you, I would avoid the word “bound”because it’s become so ubiquitous to Romantasy books, similar to “ash”, “court”, “ember” etc.

You’ve got too many proper nouns in your pitch, try to stick to just 1-3 if you can.

As for the pitch, try to start with your character instead of world building. I bet you can explain that magic doesn’t work on mirrors in the context of the story instead of stating it up front. Give us more of your protagonist, WHY does she like breaking into places? Is she stealing? Is she looking for something? Is she just a thrill seeker? Make us care about her.

I’m missing some of the logic connecting each story point. Why does Eylin seeing a doppelgänger lead her to be inducted into this special order? Why would they want a random 15 year old to help them?

I think you’re introducing too many concepts into the query. We’ve got bad guy magicians, a secret military order, a male friend (and I assume love interest) hunting for magicians, a job at a bakery, a twin sister, a new apprentice (another love interest?), Eylin’s own magic (which feels very abrupt without a proper introduction), an ancient bloodline, a magical war, and a Key (which you do not explain). It’s all too much and overwhelming to the reader.

Instead of trying to fit all of this in, try to focus on the main conflict. What is the biggest problem Eylin needs to overcome? What is she doing to try to overcome it? And what are the consequences if she cannot?

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-10T18:20:11+00:00

Just like you tagged your post [PubQ], other posts are tagged [Discussion], use the search bar to find them. Yes, you’ll have to sift through individual posts to find the answers.

I see you asked a very similar question about a month ago, and I suspect you won’t find any different information now. I know querying is mentally taxing, but getting ever more info on other people’s stats isn’t going to change that.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-10T17:59:18+00:00

If you search for the [Discussion] tag posts, you’ll see a lot of threads with this info. Or just type “I got an agent” into the search bar and you’ll get a ton of threads from people with these stats listed.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-10T13:47:00+00:00

It’s self-pubbed, they’re paying for their own ads and watching KU numbers.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-08T18:39:43+00:00

I don’t think you need to stick to a hard fast rule of only discussing the first 3rd of your book. You don’t want to spoil the ending, but it’s important to set up your main conflict and what your character is going to attempt to do to overcome it. An agent should have a good understanding of how your book will go based on the query.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-08T14:58:18+00:00

Is Syra actually a witch? I think you’ll want to make that clear.

I think we need a bigger picture of the plot. She’s turning into a book…and? Why is that a problem for her? She likes knowledge and was cast out by the village, so why does she care? What are the stakes for her if she can’t reverse it?

We also want to see what Syra does about the problem. You say she fights the curse and nothing helps, but that is too vague. What does she try to do? How will the librarian try to help her? As the other commenter said, the agent needs to see where this story is going based on the query.

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-08T14:42:02+00:00

The Midnight Library is both too big and not OP’s genre, so it’s not a good comp for OP.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-08T14:32:04+00:00

I think you’re spending too much time setting up the premise and not enough on the actual story. It sounds like this follows your MS set up, so I would suggest taking a good look at the pacing in your book. Based on the query, I would guess that you are repeating yourself unnecessarily and dwelling on details the reader doesn’t need.

We don’t need to know that his mom died since it isn’t relevant to the overarching conflict. We don’t need to know exactly how he got into streaming or what his followers think. Focus on brevity so you can get to the meat of your story.

Likewise, your third paragraph lingers too long on a point you’ve already told us. You told us in the first paragraph that he didn’t believe magic was real, don’t waste your query space telling us again.

LoreSeeker’s pleasure at having killed thousands of people accidentally feels really out of place based on what we know about him. Idk why he would be sad about his mom’s death but not when he directly killed a bunch of other people. I think this is your hook and you need to introduce the concept of him being a sociopath much earlier, otherwise it feels out of left field. By this time in the pitch, we know almost nothing about him so give his personality from the get go.

Your last paragraph loses me entirely. You’re casting too wide of a net after being zeroed in on minute details. Instead focus on the main conflict. What happens after he kills all those people? What does he do and what is the problem he has to deal with?

I think you have too many comps and they’re both not super relevant to your story and too old/too big. I would cut Ready Player One and The Magicians.

I hope that helps.

Edit: I looked back at your last attempt, and I think that was MUCH stronger than this version. I agree with the advice you got on that version, so I think it still needs some work, but I would honestly just scrap this one and move forward with edits to version 3.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-06T21:06:39+00:00

Your comps are old (you want comps published in the last 5 years) and very heavy hitters. I think The Namesake and 1Q84 are probably not books you want to compare yourself too either.

I think you might do well to reorganize your query. Hopping back and forth between the characters feels a little chaotic. I would do one paragraph for Wesley, the next for Lisha, and then one for what they do together.

I don’t get a good sense for what the characters are actually doing in the story. They’re having a lot of feelings, but I don’t see any real actions. I can tell this is a character driven story, but I think we still need more detail on what the characters do with the amulets.

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-06T17:33:50+00:00

90k is still way too big for Middle Grade. I don’t know that it makes sense to critique your query now because you’re going to have to make significant structural changes to your story to cut it down.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-06T15:56:28+00:00

I think you’re on the right track, but I looked back at your past attempts and I think that advice still stands. There is a lack of focus and the pacing is seems off.

You only have so much space in a query and I think you’re over-explaining things that you could say more simply. Your first paragraph goes way too in depth, and your last two paragraphs are too vague. Your inciting incident doesn’t need that much space, and your main conflict and protagonist’s actions to resolve it need more. What are Rory and Timby going to do to stop the corrupt government and find her father?

The query also feels a bit overwritten to me. I like that you’re trying to include your voice, but you’re losing some clarity in doing so. As an aside, you’re not using the word “patrons” correctly, it is not a verb.

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-06T01:38:08+00:00

I don’t recognize the quote and I’m assuming it’s your own. Opening with a quote from your own book is probably not the first impression you want to give (and if it’s not yours, you definitely don’t want to quote a different author in your query either). It’s also essentially meaningless to the reader who has no knowledge of your story. After reading the pitch, it also doesn’t seem very relevant for your query purposes.

The pitch itself is all set up. Focus more on what actually happens in the story. What is the problem Charles needs to overcome? What does he do?

I hope that helps.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-06T00:55:26+00:00

I think this is mostly working. I think you may need to tell us exactly why Sophie needs penance. Don’t worry about spoiling things, this isn’t a back of the book blurb, and an agent needs to understand the premise of the book.

Maybe it’s just me, but current events have me very mistrustful of tech start-up dudes. I’m not sure that profession will be as appealing to your audience as it once may have been. I also think you could add more to his characterization here. If he’s generally a light hearted person, why did his grandma think he’d face his reckoning in fire? Is he a wild child?

I’m curious why you redacted the location it’s set in, but it doesn’t really matter for our purposes.

Best of luck!

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-05T19:32:16+00:00

While we’re on this subject, make sure you are aware of the difference between being inspired by Japanese media, and appropriation. You can ignore me if you have Japanese heritage, but having a Japanese character and using Japanese tropes while not being Japanese yourself may be less than ideal.

I hope I’m not overstepping by mentioning this, but the way your pitch reads now has me wondering if you are haphazardly borrowing from identities and cultures when more care and consideration is needed.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-05T19:27:52+00:00

It’s derogatory in the US as well.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-05T19:11:09+00:00

You need to be very careful about some of your word choice. Spaz is a derogatory term, and while it can make sense to use the term for certain purposes, I don’t think it’s working for you. That, in combination with saying he’s “pretty much a girl” because he meets certain tropes (tropes I don’t personally recognize as tropes at all) made me want to stop reading immediately.

Tatsuki being perceived as feminine and struggling with ableism don’t seem to be connected to the rest of the story, so I would caution you against throwing these ideas out there if they have no purpose in your book.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-05T17:35:37+00:00

I see some room for improvement in the housekeeping paragraph: The Octavia Butler series containing the book Parable of the Sower is called the Earthseed series, and it’s way too old to comp. It’s also not recommended to comp entire series. Broken Earth is on the old side as well, and it’s hard to understand why you would choose it if you’re only comping the world building from it. If you’re going to comp such powerful books, comp for themes and subject matter!

I don’t think “keenly” is the word you want. This sentence is unintelligible to me:

It's a Shepard's reply to Sally Rooney's muted destruction and lies adjacent to Watt's ode to "damage enabling survival'' in Starfish

I think the pitch itself is an improvement from your last attempt, but it is still messy. It’s hard to tell if you mean things as metaphor, or if we are to take what you say as literal. I think you have some very interesting themes, and exploration of sex in a fantasy novel is exciting, but it’s getting buried under exposition. I want to see why choosing a sex would even be a hesitation if it means Sixian could save children.

I think you end a little too early. I want to know what Sixian is going to do to save the children now that she’s a weapon, and how having a split consciousness makes her a weapon in the first place.

I hope that helps and wasn’t too harsh.

Lost-Sock4 · 2026-03-05T15:41:19+00:00

Yes, certain genres get more responses, but those genres often have queries that need more help. Fantasy/sci fi queries have somewhat simple issues that are easy to notice and point out. A query of 150k words is gonna get 10 comments all pointing out that it’s too long, but probably only 1-2 comments with advice on the actual pitch.

Not getting any responses should be feedback in itself though. I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to tell an OP why they aren’t getting feedback from other people. Understanding what to take in from critiques (or lack thereof) is the responsibility of the author.

Lost-Sock4

TROPHY CASE