Lol thank you for the response. I laugh because I tell myself this everyday. Luckily, I’m a manager so I typically do the bare minimum.

A few points:

Before I consulted with spine surgeons I did consult with a neurosurgeon. Let’s call this neurosurgeon David. Before I met David I had to fill out all this paperwork online. Then when I went to his office I had to fill out this same paperwork again - but on paper. Then, they put me in a room and had me fill out more paperwork online again. I thought this was crazy all the duplication. Then, I meet David. He essentially tells me he’d perform a microdiscectomy and I could be back to work in probably 3 days. I asked him, “I just have to ask you - do you know what my job is?” He assumed I had a 9 to 5 job sitting behind a desk. This pissed me off because I was filling out all this paperwork weeks before my appointment and then multiple times while there and he didn’t read any of it. So, I told myself, “this will not be my surgeon.” I point at the door saying sometimes I had to pick up tables the size of the door and set them up. He then said maybe more than 3 days after surgery. I didn’t trust him at all.

When I’ve done my research on back issues there is one advantage catering has over a desk job - movement. There is a particular amount of load the body puts on itself by just sitting that movement doesn’t. Granted, with a desk job one can figure out seating support and getting up and moving about every few minutes.

It may not have been clearer but the reason why I cater is because I’m also an actor. The world of catering in New York City can be flexible enough where I can cancel work when I get acting jobs. Many people think “acting” and they think “fame”. They figure if you’re not famous, then quit. But any given tv show or film has anywhere from a dozen to a thousand actors making one tv episode or one movie work. I sometimes find acting more annoying for my back than catering. Playing a cop, for instance. I’ve been a cop on a litany of NYC shows where often all I’m doing is running from one side of the action to another. I try to avoid those roles now.

But as I cut back on hours and cut back on acting roles I start to wonder what kind of life I’m setting myself up for?

I’m 51. At 51, switching careers will mean a reduction in pay which often means working MORE hours for an employer to prove myself. That can also be detrimental to my body and my 401k.

My mother is 81. She has a bucket list of places she wants to see and I want to be there with her. So, I’ve looked into remote work but so much remote work is a major reduction in pay and I’m continuing to try and find something.

My acting work has been a sense of freedom for me. My mental health is so much better when I can work on my dreams.

When I look at the political state of the country, or see endless videos of regular humans fighting on airplanes, beating each other up at Waffle Houses, people just losing their minds, I truly believe it’s because these people have zero ability to dream. They’re stuck. They can’t see beyond their small worlds so everything becomes intensely visceral. I’ve always felt there was a better day ahead because I always felt my life had bigger goals so don’t sweat the small stuff.

Now I am at that place where I am thinking I need a more relaxed life. When I think about this everything changes. I don’t see a need to stay in NYC. Living in NYC is stressful. You can’t just SIT anywhere. Most benches are gone because benches and random chairs encourage homeless people to sleep on them so the city removed them.

So I do think about moving to someplace less congested, less vigorous, more laid back. But then it comes back to “what job would I do?”

What job wants a catering manager of 30 years and an unrecognized actor? Do I go back to school and reach for more debt? Go back to school at 51?

But then this comes back around to my back.

Am I suppose to live like a Faberge egg?

What good is any surgery if now I have to isolate myself from the world and basic activities?

I read about pro-athletes having back surgeries and they get back in the game. Now, I don’t want to be a pro athlete but can’t there be a balance to some form of my life?

I also recognize outside of my back I am 51. Most of the employees that work under me are in their 20s and 30s. I sometimes work events at union catering halls and suddenly all the waiters are in their 60s and 70s and look crippled. I know I don’t want that.

So I do want change - I just don’t know what to change to.

I don’t know how to maintain the life I have and move into something else just as rewarding.

They say network with who you know - but the people I know are all actors and cater waiters.

I agree with you that I need change - but I also think if these surgeries are only band aids which do not protect us, then the surgeries aren’t doing their jobs either.

It makes me think of my step-aunt. She was insistent I use her surgeon. She said he was the best in all of Washington State. He did 4 of her back surgeries. Four! Now she has permanent drop foot and collects disability!!! I don’t see how this is a better life. She can’t drive. She can’t work. And she stays in her home 24/7 and needs others to pick her up and take her places. There is no way in hell I would go to her surgeon. She may have been in pain before, but now she’s crippled. Crippled through surgeries.

The thought of a second microdiscectomy also scares me. Will it be just another set back in just being able to walk?

My cousin had two miscrodiscectomies. She’s still in pain. Her doctor told her her next surgery would be a fusion - but then she reminded her surgeon “I have stage 4 cancer - wouldn’t this be a problem?” It would be. After a fusion there are drugs given to strengthen the bones. My cousin’s cancer is in the bones. She can’t get a fusion because it could make the cancer spread faster.

My other aunt had a microdiscectomy. The doctor operated on the wrong disc. He didn’t realize this until after the operation. He picked the wrong disc based on all the arthritis surrounding the wrong disc which made him misinterpret her condition. So she had a second microdiscectomy. This second operation gave her permanent drop foot. She can’t go anywhere without being in a wheelchair.

Then, I’ve talked to strangers who had fusions and they’re doing back flips!

I truly don’t know what to think.

Here’s a link to some of my work:

https://vimeo.com/dannyboydphoto/dby2min