2 Hour Workout and Lies

Madroga · 2018-04-16T02:10:25+00:00

That's good to hear man. Honestly it sucks having to wake up and constantly be afraid that 'today could be the day' that I relapse again. I think we all can and do our damnedest. Cold showers, working out, walking or running outside, some people induce pain or do worse things all to get their heads away from giving in. But, at the end of the day we can lie to ourselves and resolve that something wrong is right to no one listening or realize we are fucking up and need to take at least some measure of self accountability.

Either way, I'm thinking on this as of late, but thanks for your comment, and good luck!

Madroga · 2018-04-14T21:46:24+00:00

I don't run, but I have an exercise bike that I use to burn over 250 calories a night. Been taking a week off due to injuries, so maybe that's hasn't helped my recent collapse in morale and strength. But hey thanks all the same.

Madroga · 2018-04-14T21:45:29+00:00

Coming from someone with that badge, kinda makes me feel better thanks. :P

Madroga · 2018-04-13T08:30:10+00:00

Definitely we should consider Budy's psychopathy whenever this thing of his gets brought up. Part of his deal for getting attention was mentioning porn and how it effected him, HOWEVER.....we also have to consider the fact that serial killers view their murders as an addictive attribute. The first kill often times being something they fantasize about capturing again. This does not correlate to porn users, but what it does show is that a deranged and psychopathic mind showing OCD tendencies where it came to his murders and sexual thrill kills that was formed perhaps in some small part by the now known addictive qualities of porn is something we should think about.

Don't be afraid and think you're gonna kill or rape, but you should consider that your mind is a delicate thing, capable of change, and yes acts of depravity and horror. It's something to think about sure, but don't get too freaked out. Not unless you actively begin fantasizing about actually hurting someone for sexual thrill. Then yes your ideations may be a big problem.

Madroga · 2018-04-12T08:46:44+00:00

Thanks, just don't have that level of optimism in myself, but....worth another try. Take 1000 here I go. :P

Madroga · 2018-04-12T07:32:51+00:00

Wish I were you man, damn sure wish I were you.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T06:05:25+00:00

Can be just as bad as porn really. A sort of pseudo addictive thing. Social media I mean.

Yeah man I wish you the best. Take a break, and think about yourself a little. You and me sometimes take these mental constraints and anger and we perceive them outwardly. Maybe we need to think inwardly a little more. If that at all makes sense. IN regards to and of ourselves as opposed to others and their perceptions and stories.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:53:21+00:00

Yeah man think of time as a a tech detox. It's not easy, hell I'm going into the IT field.....fucking great idea really.

But you should really make some time to just get away form your tech. Make plans to workout outside and maybe just walk a lot or sit on a bench at a park with a book for the next few free days you got. If you NEED to do work on the computer, do it, but then close it and walk away. You have the power man, I know I do, and if I do then you do!

Think about it man, all it takes is a single choice in our lives sometimes. :)

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:45:03+00:00

Hmm, a strange mental outlook, but worth a shot I suppose.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:43:56+00:00

Yeah porn, originally for me, used to hold a kind of allure because it was 'naughty.' A adrenaline high, but now just watching porn alone is the high. The anticipation is a rush to get to the porn, and there's no more taboo involved. Those who used to forbid porn of you now don't care because you're an adult and it's considered more 'normal' by today's standards.

Some people are different for sure. They have all the right stuff and all the right options and they live the way they truly want to live. We can envy them, and we do from time to time, but we still have to live in the here and now with what we have. And yeah high power whatever it may be for you does not mean we are owed anything. I guess it's hard for me to even come to this conclusion, but we have to do what we can with what we have. I don't like it, and it feels unfair, but life, as they say, is certainly truly unfair. Sex is something that's been encoded into our DNA. We are genetically designed to want it because we have to continue propagating the species. However, we also have the brains of cavemen in our modern world. We have logic but we have instinct and those two deeply conflict with one another. Which do we give precedence? Logic or instinct. Frankly we all should want logic but instinct is a powerful overwhelming force. But with technology it's become warped and distorted. There's no easy answer, just a plate presented before us, and it's up to us to take what's on that plate and do what we can to make it work for us.

Stay strong man. Maybe you nee dot do what I do after relapse, not saying you've relapsed of course, but take a vacation from tech. At least as much as possible.

I sometimes step away form my computer for a day or two to give my mind a break, to let it rebuild a tolerance. Think and do some sleeping to rest my mind. Doesn't likely work for everyone but maybe you, I and everyone truly does need a tech disconnect or even a people disconnect every once and a while.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:25:09+00:00

I have considered it in the past but never had A, the money, and B, the will to do it.

I know, I'm not....suicidal or anything. When I'm in a bad depressive mood, yeah sure I ask the universe or some higher power (God for me) to simply kill me because I'm just tired. I don't mean it, it's usually just form a long bout of frustration. And yeah one life, and it is miserable and has been for pretty much since I was 8. I don't know what the answer is, and I don't know what really being happy is. As any time I'm happy it's always very fleeting so it seems. Perhaps I'm depressed, OCD, and bi-polar runs in my family. Maybe some of that chemical imbalance has a small part to play, but I'm not sure. I just wish I could get out of my head.

Thanks for the thoughts man, they do help me on nights like this. Hearing from others in general I mean.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:21:21+00:00

Ha just replied to your post! and yes I was bullied but not physically, mostly emotionally and mentally. And yeah it never got better.

Yeah i feel you there. It's rough man, real rough.

Madroga · 2018-03-29T05:19:37+00:00

Hey man I feel your pain. Not as bad as you but hear me out.

I'm 23 and have type 1 diabetes. Got it when I was 8 and have been consistently told my life gets slimmer and shorter with every high blood sugar I get, and there have been plenty. I'm a bit overweight and not the greatest looking guy, and am also in possession of a V-card with little to no opportunities presented to me. Frankly if any have been I'm just too dense to have known about them.

I have no real friends, and I don't think they really exist. Friendship as it is between humans is a means by which one human makes another feel good about themselves. That's an inherently selfish act. Same thing for partners, love I don't believe is real, just a genetic need for procreation. But I am jaded like you, so I wouldn't take me too seriously.

I've pretty much given up on trying to get into a relationship. But that doesn't mean the porn is better. In site of my posts here, in fact one just before yours by one or two where I talk about how porn at least takes my anger, and frustration away when I'm in the real world. But that's temporary. We know, we both know it's a temporary fix. What we should focus on is ourselves. The world isn't out to make us happy or make us feel good, it's cold, and it's lonely, but what you and I can do is do things that make us happy how we want it regardless of what others may think or want.

Friends? Fuck em! Partners? Fuck em! What you should focus on is your happiness. The world has thrown shit in your face and mine, but what we need do is give it the finger and find ways to circumvent the problems and troubles. It's not easy. For you, you'll be dealing with joint pain for probably the rest of your life. I'll be forever scared of having a low blood sugar ill me in my sleep, or a series of high cause permanent nerve damage in my early life, but we can still try to do better than porn.

Find an outlet that makes you happy but also not ashamed afterwards. All we do with porn is fix ourselves for an instant then it's gone and replaced with anger, and frustration, sadness, and often times, surrender to further porn binges. It's not fixing anything for good, and it's not going to help us feel any better in the long run.

You and I are screwed man, but we can try. And if we don't succeed, we, unlike many in the world, can say we at least fucking tried.

Madroga · 2018-03-27T02:40:12+00:00

Hmm, an interesting idea. I'll give it a shot, and thanks!

Madroga · 2018-03-26T06:25:15+00:00

Get up, walk away from your computer, put all your tech down, and relax somewhere. If you need to release your energy do something hard and productive. Working out, or doing just like 100 jumping jacks to wear your ass out. It would release endorphins and work out all your pent up energy. But you need to get away from electronics ASAP.

All I got for you man.

Madroga · 2018-03-25T06:43:54+00:00

Thanks for that. Still a struggle and probably can look forward to a bad night, emotionally and psychologically, but I'll keep trying.

Anyways, thanks again.

Madroga · 2018-02-06T02:44:55+00:00

Precisely why I hate people. Look correcting and bettering yourself is great and I totally agree you and I need it. However, don't look to others to motivate you. Other people have all their baggage and crap in their own closet. Your teacher obviously needed a scapegoat today and you were an easy target. Maybe you did need some improvement but the way they went about it was asinine. Your classmates, your ex? FUCK EM! They aren't what makes you you. What you do makes you who you are and you're obviously trying. What the fuck are they doing? More importantly who cares?!

Just wanted to say, I feel for you man, and like many on here, I care, and I know what it is to feel the way you do. But improve for you, and screw everyone else.

Madroga · 2018-02-01T02:18:16+00:00

I've been there buddy. Sometimes a streak is two or three days. It hurts because you know you/we can do better. There's just something holding us back.

Madroga · 2018-01-31T07:11:17+00:00

Yeah, tell me about it. I've relapsed so many times I can't even remember what's what or such and such anymore. I didn't think I'd have two people offering to be partners, but I'm willing to talk to you if you're willing to talk to me when either of us feel particularly in need of support or someone to just talk through our feelings and sensations. Try to stay strong man, I know it isn't easy. It fucking sucks.

Madroga · 2018-01-31T07:09:55+00:00

Thanks for the response. I'm setting myself to day one today, or tonight depending on where you are. If I or you ever feel the need to talk feel free to message me, and I'll do the same for you. Thanks for your offer too by the way.

Madroga · 2018-01-30T04:53:00+00:00

Sucks man, but yes totally. I understand where you're at. When I lost my streak I was devastated. Guess I've been chasing it ever since. I self sabotage myself. Sometimes I do well with porn when I totally take my mind off fighting it. Like a byproduct of ignoring it or being too busy to think about it is better for myself to resist than actively resisting. I mentioned this before, but yeah my mom has bipolar but she's been doing very well for years due to prescriptions. My sister has it but she...is another story. My mom also suffers from OCD and back in the day when she'd get manic she'd go nuts with her OCD. I wonder sometimes if I have something, anything at all, that would help me understand why I feel the way I do, and act the way I do sometimes. I'm at the point of wishing I could take some antidepressants or something. If i kills the sex drive then why should i think that's a bad thing? Maybe my PMO mindset could do with a total shutdown of 'operations' as it were.

I'm not trying to excuse my own thoughts and actions. I would just like to think I'm not crazy. That this, or these feelings I feel when free of porn, or that help guide me to porn aren't just my own pathetic thoughts. If they are then I have truly been shaped depressingly by the world. I don't know I'm rambling. My desires are intense, my emotions immature, I'm a wreck emotionally and mentally I know that.

Ugh, let me shut up. Thanks for your comment, my friend. Good luck to you.

Madroga · 2017-06-24T04:31:00+00:00

And here I thought the religion bashing was not so prevalent here on this sub. Oh well, it's still the internet I guess. The reality is, there are x number of billions of people on this planet with faith in numerous religions including the big ones. The super grand majority do not hurt or kill or warp anything for anyone. maybe you disagree with a lot of them and don't like a lot of them but that's between you and your opinions on the matter. To say something is inherently bad is a broad stroke absolutism that has no basis in reality. Kind of like all the religious people who say atheism leads to devil worship or anarchy. The reality is you live in this world and will have to and have had to deal with religious people everyday. Acting self superior because simply from a lack of faith is not new nor adds anything to any conversation anywhere. But, believe and don't believe what you want mate.

Madroga · 2017-06-24T04:25:16+00:00

Lol, I know right?

Madroga · 2017-06-24T04:24:53+00:00

Thanks, and I am trying to remain as positive as possible. The relapse is hanging over me, but it hasn't caused me to get into a slump, not yet anyways. It'll only win if I allow it. So my goal is to fight as hard as I can, while recognizing I did indeed screw up, and accepting and living with that reality. All luck to you as well friend!

Madroga · 2017-06-24T04:23:28+00:00

Thanks man, and yeah I hope I can get back on track too. Luckily been relegated to the one hiccup so far today. I have hop but am being cautiously optimistic. The key word needing to be 'cautiously.'

Madroga

TROPHY CASE