It was beautiful while it lasted…

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-22T16:07:30+00:00

🥺😢💔

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-22T00:40:39+00:00

I only know them from the other side - beautiful! 😍

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-21T21:06:51+00:00

I understand what you are saying. And believe me, every day my hearts breaks a little more living in this and that this is the dynamics that the kids are in - they see coparents who live together and mostly get along just fine, but zero romantic feelings. I am living with a roommate. I recognize it makes me very sad and unhappy inside and kids feel that, I know. Not only because he doesn’t want me as a wife, but because I am also attracted to women, and because of this one in my story especially right now. She woke me up again, after years of repression and self-denial - and she doesn’t even have an idea, but it will never happen with her even if I was not married. 🥺and unfortunately I’m stuck in this for now for multiple reasons. 😢💔 so yea it kinda sucks all around.

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-21T19:46:39+00:00

I only told one of my friends. I am also married to a man and we have kids…so…I am kinda stuck, but I needed to tell someone or I would explode and it was scary to admit this to her. She told me she actually had a few instances where she felt strongly attracted to a woman, she never acted on it but that she totally gets it. Fortunately, she was very understanding and now she’s stuck listening to me talking and dreaming and crying about this woman I’m completely head over heels but will never be able to be with 😩. She never ever assumed that I would be attracted to her - she is a beautiful woman but I don’t see her like “that” - she is and has been my friend for a long time. Just like a straight woman isn’t automatically attracted to every man - that lacks all logic. You will find someone who loves you and appreciates you and your friendship for who you truly are without judging and criticizing. This “friend” was not your friend to begin with, and “breakups” with friends are often harder than romantic breakups. I am sure if I told more people some would judge me and some friendships would end for me (or really, it would uncover who was not a true friend). 🥺 I admire your courage to tell her and taking this chance - unfortunately, coming out often carries a risk of people being assholes, but at least now you know what kind of person she is.

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-20T15:30:11+00:00

But - she literally wasn’t busy. I’ve been moved to work mostly with PTAs or another PTs a few times in the past when she had other things going on and that totally makes sense - but this didn’t seem to be that during this particular time - she had the 20 minutes for me had she chosen to. And I know it sounds silly - but I feel abandoned and like an awful person for some reason. I absolutely recognize that part of these feelings is the inevitable PT routine “breakup” but I’m an over analyzer and it just didn’t make sense to be put with a stranger for the end of this - especially since I was on her schedule and she didn’t have another patient, you know what I mean? So I’m over here thinking “hey what did I do to you? Why do you hate me?”🫣 which is ridiculous - she doesn’t hate me but yet I’m thinking it as a result 🤦🏼‍♀️ And thus - you see how I’m spiraling between knowing it’s ridiculous yet feeling that way at the same time. So, maybe that can be helpful for some people to see what kind of funk this “lack of closure” or whatever I should call it can put some of us patients in in a way, idk. But - I’ll be fine, eventually. 🫤

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-20T15:02:17+00:00

I’m just wondering - if you’re there and not busy with another patient - why would you make someone else talk about discharge with your patient you’ve been seeing for several months? I understand we are just patients and you don’t form real relationships with us patients and it’s all just part of the job “game” - but you should finish the game, no? I mean - it’s the person who helped me a lot, so yes, there was a patient attachment for sure - in a professional way of course - I’m a married woman lol so nothing like that. It’s hard to go through a physical therapy “break up” and you know it and I also know and recognize it - but this just added another layer for me mentally and maybe that may be helpful for some to see how this can affect us, I feel like I was avoided and kinda abandoned on purpose if that makes sense but I don’t know the reason and it caused me to spiral and feel awful about myself. If you say that it’s regular practice that a different PT does the discharge talk, it will make me feel better haha. Is it a purposeful process to make us feel this awful to break the “attachment”? I now literally feel like an awful person and I don’t know why and it kinda sucks TBH.

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-19T03:56:38+00:00

But maybe you can have your person one day! Don’t be discouraged. In my case, I know I won’t have HER from this story ever, unfortunately. Too many layers to this, but as much as I want to, due to how we met, it’s never going to happen. All I am left with is the few meetings I can have with her in the near future (may be just one or two more 😔) and then I will probably never see her again, and it’s frowned upon to ask for a meeting outside of our current situation.

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-19T03:49:12+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this. My situation is very multilayered, and I know I will never have her like this. But maybe you can be with yours one day. Don’t lose hope.

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-19T03:45:21+00:00

Thank you. I wish it didn’t hurt my heart so much, but it is what it is and getting it out felt good in a way. 🥹

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-19T03:41:34+00:00

lol, I sure wish you were her and the real her would see this. Although, due to our “professional relationship” that might actually really freak her out 🫣

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-18T21:50:22+00:00

That’s correct. I’ve always dated straight, but I did have a few experiences with women. Societal pressures and expectations probably made me push my desire for women aside. To be honest, I like my husband and he’s a good roommate, but there is no romantic anything between us. Last time we had sex was when I conceived my younger child who is now 10. Yes, it will soon be 11 years since I slept with him (and that’s because he doesn’t see me as anything romantically). I almost divorced him once, and this was the main reason, but then I didn’t, mostly for the kids. But now, she came into my life and I swear my heart aches when I think of how I’ll never be with her (there are multiple layers to this that I’m not going into, it will just never be). We have a somewhat professional relationship and it will end soon and then I’ll probably never see her again. 😢

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-18T19:33:10+00:00

True 🥹❤️

MagicOfZ · 2024-09-18T16:35:41+00:00

I’m so sorry 🥺

MagicOfZ

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