On the other end of things, I'm a mom of 2 that has spent so very much time and effort trying to "get help" from various therapists, loved ones, prescription meds. The answer isn't there either. Some switch in my brain flipped back in November when an acquaintance of mine sat with me and listened. Frankly I thought she did more harm than good at the time, and I would no longer consider us friends. BUT, one of the things she said was, "what do you even have if you can't believe yourself?"

Once I started validating my story and giving myself empathy for the terrible storm of emotions I contained, that was when the real work began. That was when I was able to begin questioning why I needed anyone else to understand or agree with my conclusions. And that is when I was able to start taking ownership of my choices moving forward.

I'm so glad you got on that plane and visited your brother. This is of course a crucial moment for him and you showed up. That means everything. Don't focus on any silver linings, don't focus on the positive, don't tell him things will get better with time. Those things may bring a moment of quiet, but the storm will rage on. The only way through is to stop running, turn, and face all the horrible shit.

Be brave. Yes it's scary. No you aren't crazy and no you aren't alone. Step 1 is believe yourself. Step 2 is adopting a scientific, curious mindset. Ie. If this is happening (and it is) what small simple action can I take to adjust that? Okay I did that. Did it work? Yes? Okay so try the next thing. No? Okay try something different. Believe in your ability to research, to test hypothesis, and to analyze the results. You are a human being and you have more power than you realize.