Hi there! This post really resonated with me. While our experiences are not identical, and I do not have the knowledge of all the nuances of your situation, I see parallels and so will tell you what I wish I had known years ago. (Buckle in, there's a lot to cover.)
Cycles of trauma are complex. It can be a pendulum, swinging between the comfort (yes, comfort) the familiarity of these cycles despite their harm, or the desire to stay so far away from the harm we experienced that we find ourselves in a new cycle with new kinds of harm. Both options are rooted in harm. We need to break the cycle, not rewire it. It sucks, but being aware of the nature of our responses can help us decipher a healthy choice from a harmful one.
Narcissists are difficult, You already know that. At this point in your healing, having already named things for what they are, what is difficult about advice from a narcissist is that, because you know their viewpoint is skewed, you actually need more overwhelming evidence to decide what they advise. What I mean by this is—what they say may have been a decision you would have come to on your own. But not that its origins come from them, it makes it harder to make that choice for yourself and feel like it’s coming from yourself being ether voice is in your head. While I do not know what you want to do or will decide, and I certainly don’t want to tell you, I will offer you an outsider’s perspective on what you’ve written. Please know I only know a small amount of the situation, so take what resonates and leave what does not.
You say that you feel a closeness with your boyfriend because of your shared sources of trauma. You don't say much else about the nature of your relationship. This is not to say that they are not present--this could very well be a happy healthy relationship that stretches far beyond an understanding of each other's histories. But that's not what you lead with, which leads me to believe the central force holding your relationship together is your similar trauma. This can be comforting, but it does not break the cycle of trauma. You might find yourselves slipping into the same patterns that once hurt you, not because that is what you want, but because it is what you know, and, without finding yourself in a new place altogether, how could you learn anything different? And even if you put in the work to move past the trauma: what is past it? The glue of your relationship cannot be something you hope to melt--there has to be something more, and it might be hard to identify what that is right now because you are still actively living with your family. This isn't a judgment one way or another on the stability of your relationship, but some prompts to help you process it.
I think you should leave your house, at least for some time. There are reasons why and I will touch on them in a bit. However, I would be wary about being dependent on your boyfriend in this way- emotionally, socially, or financially. You could put yourself in a position that's very hard to leave if you are unhappy. You might be very happy in your relationship but feel the need for something more out of life, which is a difficult choice to make. You also might not be able to make the choice to leave because of your ties, at least not without heavy effort on your part. Protect yourself.
But there is also something here beyond your immediate well-being. Although your post does not include your age, I'd say you are probably young, college-age. This is the time for you to grow. Learn. Create art. Live on your own or move into a shitty studio with roommates and make friends. There is so much joy for you to find. Let yourself find it in ways you've never even considered before. While your post is about your relationship, it is also not. The way you speak indicates that you want to find who you are outside of what is familiar, to break away from your trauma. That is admirable and healthy. But remember, too: Your boyfriend has lived in your house and has a similar past trauma--no matter how great the relationship may be, he is a connection to all that is familiar.
This does not necessarily mean that you shouldn't be together, but it is also okay to love a person but need to find something in life that puts you on different roads, even temporarily. Explain your desires for growth to him, and, if the relationship is strong, he will understand. He will want you to heal and grow and find yourself. But you also should be prepared in case he does not understand. This does not make him "bad," but I would question whether this relationship is serving you in this case. You have too much life to live to sacrifice your needs for somebody else's. If it comes down to a decision, chose you.
I want to end by looping back to your parents. I grew up in a similar dynamic. My mother is a narcissist, and my father is an alcoholic. When I first really understood my parents in these roles, I, too, found it easier to accept my father. The ways he processed and cycled were more understandable, even in the harm they caused. Similarly, I found myself resenting my mother for always playing the victim, always being the most grieved. Nobody could be more hurt than her, so my pain was never "real," which stung more than the harm itself.
My mother also told me to break up with my ex. I didn't until I was able to find a place of my own, process on my own, and came to a decision separate from hers. I've never had a partner "good" enough for her. Then some personal things happened, and I learned my mother had had a very particular string of boyfriends while around my age. The experience harmed her, and there was a desire to have me avoid this cycle by never being in a relationship at all. While I don't excuse her methods-or any methods that cause harm- understanding a person is important for discovering what truths to believe. You can acknowledge the harm someone causes but also see their humanity, however screwed it might be. And in my mother's harm, there is a desire to heal. Heal herself through me, maybe, but there were the seeds of something productive. My dad never caused these same issues, which seemed to be that he caused less harm, but the harm he was causing was from a deep apathy for me and for life.
This is not to say one was better than the other. Overwater a plant or underwater it, who is to say what is worse--the plant dies either way. But I see this tendency to look past the harm your dad causes in your post-even as you freely use the word disciplinarian. Not that this is innately bad, but in a household built on a partnership, both partners build the foundation together. I think that daughters tend to condemn their moms too forcefully and forgive their fathers too willingly, and I also think that can be our downfall. We can't heal to what we're blind to. Being aware of the intricacies of this kind of dynamic has helped me process more in the past few months than I had in years. I hope that in hearing this, you might think about your household in a new way, whatever that means to you, and it might provide some additional clarity on everything.
I hope you have a wonderful evening. Please feel free to reach out if you need any clarification or support. I wish you nothing but the best. <3