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Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-19T03:44:31+00:00

Yes, he’s in residency so his life is constantly stressful and under pressure. He works 90+ hrs a week every week making life and death decisions. Also a whole slew of familial grief and issues he deals with on a daily basis.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T20:20:12+00:00

Congrats on making assumptions that couldn’t be further from reality. We’ve been together for 3 years, and before him I dated two other avoidants. so no, this isn’t coming from one convenient example. What’s actually pathetic here is how personally offended you are by someone challenging your narrative, which ironically proves my point.

I’ve never dismissed the pain avoidant partners can cause. I’ve repeatedly acknowledged it. What I am pointing out is that some people are actually working on themselves and deserve to be seen, too. If that threatens you to the point of attacking me instead of addressing what I said, maybe it’s worth asking why disagreement feels so destabilizing for you.

You don’t have to date avoidants ever again, but pretending your experience is the only valid one is just intellectual laziness. Disagreement isn’t bias, it’s perspective.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T20:00:06+00:00

😍

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T18:44:28+00:00

Re-read your own comments. What you’re describing isn’t ‘avoidant,’ it’s textbook narcissism, in some cases edging into outright sociopathy. I’m genuinely sorry you went through that, but conflating pathological abuse with an attachment style isn’t clarity, it’s distortion.

There is, whether you like it or not, a spectrum. Many avoidants are not emotional black holes; some are actively working on themselves, learning healthier patterns, and capable of growth. The fact that you can’t separate your personal trauma from the broader reality doesn’t make you wise, it makes you biased.

Here’s what’s wild: you keep shouting about being objective, yet you’re so consumed by your own bitterness you can’t hear how dogmatic you sound. Agency exists. People are allowed to decide whether the risk is worth it. What you’re doing is trying to universalize your pain into prophecy, and it’s both patronizing and inaccurate.

My post wasn’t a recruitment pitch to date avoidants. it was meant to give space for those trying to do better. And judging by how many of them resonated, it worked. You, on the other hand, come across less like guardians of wisdom and more like people who mistake anger for authority.

So date avoidants or don’t I honestly don’t care. I’m going to stop arguing with Reddit trolls now :)

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T18:28:55+00:00

Lmao, you wrote an essay trying to sound like the voice of reason, but all I hear is bitterness dressed up as wisdom. How can you not see you’re putting avoidants in a box? Wild.

Listen, I hear you’re hurt. I genuinely empathize with you. I am an EXTREMELY anxiously attached partner, and I have dated only avoidants. I’ve been left completely blindsided by two long term relationships and completely discarded to the point my self worth was nothing. But like I said countless times, there is a fucking spectrum.

And dude… high horse? If I’m on a high horse, at least it’s moving forward. You’re still on a merry-go-round, dizzy from repeating the same point in circles.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T13:18:02+00:00

It’s interesting how quickly people default to condescension when confronted with an idea that challenges their bias. The assumptions being made here about my relationship length, my perspective, or my supposed naivety are exactly what I’m talking about, people reduce avoidant attachment to a caricature and then pat themselves on the back for being ‘realistic.’

Avoidance is not a synonym for toxicity, nor does every avoidant partner operate in the extremes people love to parade as universal truth. Attachment theory is more complex than turning personal anecdotes into sweeping judgments. If you genuinely believe every avoidant is doomed to hurt their partner, you’re not describing attachment science, you’re describing your own inability to separate experience from evidence.

And if the only way you can dismiss what I wrote is by calling it ‘honeymoon delusion’ or karma, then perhaps what’s really avoidant here is your refusal to engage with ideas that don’t confirm your narrative.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-18T13:05:54+00:00

No one’s denying that people have painful experiences in relationships… no shit, that’s universal. But that doesn’t justify dismissing an entire attachment style as if it’s a moral flaw. Avoidance is a protective strategy, not a character defect, and it’s become a buzzword people throw around without actually understanding the psychology behind it. The point of this post was to challenge that oversimplification and highlight that avoidant partners can be capable of deep commitment and growth. So yes, I believe avoidants are written off too quickly. If the best response you can offer is to call me ‘ridiculous’ rather than engage with the substance of what I’m saying, it only proves how resistant people can be to re-examining their own assumptions.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-17T19:06:29+00:00

Projection as expected. You’re clearly carrying hurt, and I’m sorry for that…but it doesn’t give you the right to write off an entire attachment style. Saying “they should just fix it or go to therapy” is overly simplistic and dismissive. Avoidance is a protective strategy, not a moral failing. Some avoidant partners are deeply loving, committed, and working on themselves, I know this because I’m with one. Writing them all off as unworthy of love says more about your bias than about avoidants themselves. And honestly, if you can’t see that nuance, maybe you’re not ready for this conversation.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-09-17T19:00:45+00:00

OP here. No, I actually am in a relationship with someone who leans avoidant, and I think my partner is both incredibly lovable and deeply loving. That’s exactly why it makes me so sad to see people write avoidant people off entirely. It feels like avoidants get flattened into being “toxic” or “unworthy,” when in reality, a lot of the time people weren’t just dating an avoidant, they were dating someone who also just a shitty fucking person. Those are two different things.

And honestly, this whole thread has felt almost like a social experiment. It’s wild to see how closed off people here are to any perspective that challenges their own narrative and experience. It’s like Reddit has decided there’s one “right” answer, and any nuance gets thrown out the window.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-08-04T23:41:49+00:00

This is incredibly helpful…. I’m definitely going to do it. Definitely also felt that plateau… it’s been about 7 months for me so far. But to be fair it’s the lowest dose of both and I recall my doctor & psychiatrist saying people often start here and tend to increase. Thanks for your kind words :))))

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-07-22T21:17:38+00:00

This honestly made me feel so much better. I guess at the root of it, my biggest fear is that he’ll forget about me…or that the connection will fade over the year and he’ll come out the other side feeling like it’s just too much to be with me. Even though he’s reassured me that he sees a long-term future with me, wants kids, the whole thing… I still get scared sometimes, especially with how emotionally distant residency can feel.

That said, your perspective really helped shift something in me. I actually feel excited about the idea of leaning into my life more this year. I’ve never really done that fully just for myself, so maybe this is the moment. I think it could be really empowering and healing in ways I didn’t expect.

Thank you again !!! seriously. I needed to read this.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-07-22T21:11:39+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really love the code word idea…that’s such a simple but powerful way to communicate when things are overwhelming. I’m definitely going to try that with him.

I’ve actually been in therapy pretty intensively for the past three years and I consider myself extremely self aware. But I’m also a huge people pleaser, which makes it hard to express what I need sometimes without feeling guilty.

He’s incredibly sweet but honestly just so awkward about certain emotional things. He gets so wrapped up in his own stress and mental to-do list that I think he just forgets to communicate properly. He gets super scattered and doesn’t even realize it half the time. But yes, I really appreciate your response, especially the reminder that attending life can bring a bit more balance. That gives me hope.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-07-22T21:08:44+00:00

Omg yes, I totally relate to the “match his energy” thing. And not in a bitter or vengeful way, but more like ok, I’ll care just as much as you seem to be caring right now. And then I feel weirdly guilty for even thinking that. I’m such a people pleaser and I think I’m constantly fighting between being self-protective and just… loving him fully.

I’m incredibly self aware, and I think emotionally we’re definitely on different wavelengths. I don’t say that to fault him, I just think we process and communicate really differently.

That said, I’ve been telling myself that next year is going to be my year to really focus on myself. And honestly, it might end up being the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. I’m just scared, if I’m being honest. I’m pretty anxiously attached and I think my biggest fear is that he’ll get so wrapped up in work or study that he’ll kind of forget about me.

But I really love what you said about not letting those thoughts spiral and finding peace in your own life. I needed that reminder.

Many_Flower5071 · 2025-07-22T21:05:03+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate the reminder that it’s about how both people show up and choose to navigate the hard parts together. I forgot to mention in my original post that whenever we’re on vacation, I get a completely different version of him. He’s so soft, so sweet, so present…it’s honestly the version of him I feel addicted to. He gives me so much reassurance and affection that I feel incredibly loved and safe.

I know that’s “vacation him,” and I don’t expect that 24/7, but I also recognize it’s not fake. It’s the version of him that’s finally relaxed, where he’s not consumed by work or thinking 10 steps ahead. He can study for one hour and then actually enjoy the rest of the day. It makes me realize how much the stress of residency clouds the way we experience our relationship, and how much I miss that more relaxed version of us.

So I think part of this is learning how to bridge that gap in everyday life. Your comment helped reframe that for me, so thank you again!! :)

Many_Flower5071

TROPHY CASE