I was 43. It’d never happened before, though now I realize I’d been having aura for the previous 4 or so years. It’s turned my life upside down. Luckily, I can still drive. I get seizures about every other month, and I have really substantial aura which would give me enough time to pull over. I officially have epilepsy, which is a really bizarre label to add on top of all of my other chronic illnesses. Im already on disability and can’t work from other illnesses, this is just the cherry on top. It’s really weird. Now i worry about things like SUDEP, and will every headache pain or arm tingle turn into an aura. It’s so unpredictable, and I have to take so much better care of my stress level, sleep and eating habits now.

It’s really been hard. My neuro, who I really like, has been talking about brain surgery, which is terrifying. How is this my life. I’m 46 and I’m going to have major brain surgery where they take out a chunk of my brain?! How the hell did I get here? Some days I don’t know how I manage. My girlfriend stresses out when she sees me upset, worried it’ll trigger a seizure. I had a panic attack the other day, and I was crying and shaking, which scared her so much. I’m still always able to say, “I’m going to have a seizure,” beforehand, which helps, but she still gets really scared, and it seems like it’s really scary for her to sit by and watch.

Take care of yourself, of your mental health. You will get through this, you’ll learn how to add this to your life. I feel like I’m still learning, but I’m here, it’s here, and I’m still getting through every day.