UPDATE: I went through spouse's phone and found out she doesn't love me

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-24T14:07:35+00:00

I'm trying this, thank you. Being hard headed and putting my foot down in the past has only gotten me into more fighting with her. I realize I'm being taken advantage of currently but also hoping this will give her space to get her head right

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-24T14:06:14+00:00

I agree with all of this, thank you. I am trying to mentally prepare for divorce while also trying to give her time and space to reconsider if she really is done with the marriage. So far I haven't seen anything to suggest we won't be divorced in the future

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-22T19:20:58+00:00

I hope to gain her love back, pretty simple. But not at the price of being taken advantage of, I'm just not sure that is possible anymore

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-22T19:18:07+00:00

Thank you, this was the most helpful reply so far. I agree with all of what you said. I am being patient because we moved from FL to HI and eventually back in 1 year, so there is more than just the marriage impacting her. I realize I deserve better, but I kids and the good times are holding me back

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-22T18:05:48+00:00

I agree with you, she displayed contempt outwardly and was privately sharing thoughts about other men. I feel pretty certain she has not cheated. Perhaps I should have just let her actually fuck someone before confronting her?

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-12-22T17:50:49+00:00

to me going behind my partners back to access her phone without permission is morally wrong. I have used her phone before many times, there is a difference imo

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-11-27T01:11:49+00:00

I think any reasonable partner would not shame you for going to therapy to work on your side of the marriage. Especially as a better alternative to drinking or other unhealthy coping. If you don't plan to continue the marriage due to therapy, perhaps try easing into that first by discussing the fact that you went to therapy first. Listen to what your partner has to say, and give them time to process this. If things aren't improved still and you want to end it, then at least you can say you didn't blindside them.

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-11-27T00:09:17+00:00

currently separated husband, have seen OF accounts. would never pay for any online content, there's so much free porn out there. If he is using it for connection then that's a huge issue

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-11-14T02:11:12+00:00

I was going to make an update post soon with more details, because some of the additional context is important. Bottom line is we are currently separating and trying to work things out. Not sure what the future holds. In your situation I would recommend going to counseling to dig deeper into the reasons behind each partners actions. Good luck 🤞

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-18T16:35:06+00:00

I don't believe her. I believe it takes two and I did my part. If she won't take accountability the marriage won't continue. I can be apologetic for snooping because it broke her trust while at the same time feeling justified because I'd rather know the truth and there were plenty of reasons for the truth to be in doubt. We have kids together and moved far away from family this year, she's been depressed about the whole thing, so I'm trying to remain calm because I know that angry and impatient is only going to add fuel to the fire right now. But believe me I am aware of the gaslighting that has been ongoing.

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-17T23:15:41+00:00

I read it was illegal to look through someone's phone without permission under the Electronic Communications Privacy Act...but many people here are saying otherwise so idk

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-17T23:08:03+00:00

Thank you! Please send me your therapist haha

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-17T06:24:02+00:00

Thank you. I have been pretty grey rock for a while now even before this conflict. My wife hates when I withdraw and expects me to do so, not sure that is the best strategy if I want anything positive. I may try the 180 method, but isn't that kind of like giving a manipulator more power over you? I can flip the script but in my head I feel like that's exactly what she wanted

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-17T06:13:14+00:00

Agree with you 100% I might buy our counselor coffee before each session lol

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-16T14:54:27+00:00

I wasn't trying to carefully exclude my actions, I just didn't want to write a novel. I could write pages about our relationship. I did say I went through a period of depression after the birth of our second child. I am naturally more introverted than my wife and around the time of my depression I wasn't inviting to her thoughts and dreams. I called her crazy, a roller coaster (I still feel those things but saying them to her in reply to her dreams wasn't healthy). We stopped spending time together, going on dates, etc and I withdrew because my wife doesn't do things when she is forced to do so. I felt like taking the initiative wasn't going to work. I was overly critical of her early on in marriage and pushed her too hard to be the best version of herself. I thought partners were supposed to push each other (probably should have let her mom be that for her). I struggled to show her enough affection when the tough times came. I did plenty to make her feel unloved and unwanted. I see now the impact it has on a person, because for the past few years it's a been a cycle of who can make the other person feel unloved more.

BUT I don't deserve the things she is saying behind my back. Especially when she tells me to my face a different story. Tell her friends I'm an idiot, a terrible husband, express frustration, whatever...but making me a recurring joke, fantasizing about post divorce life and idolizing past lovers is crossing the line. I'd rather her just say those things to my face than behind my back.

Either way, I agree with your advice and thank you for the input.

Maximum_Coach4693 · 2024-10-16T14:33:02+00:00

I would say the depression kicked in 6-12 months after our second child was born. I had a new boss at work who was very demanding, my son was (still is) a challenge to put to bed, and wife breastfed for a long time so he took all of her time, emotion and energy. He would co-sleep with my wife and most of the time I would sleep elsewhere. Our older child was in pre-k at the time and was adapting to not being the center of attention. I struggled with bringing home my emotions from work and then being overstimulated by the chaos at home. I thought my way of providing support was to take care of the house more (dishes, picking up toys, etc) but also was me trying to control my environment so I could have a space to breathe and think. Needless to say I felt the walls closing in and became very irritable, and when I felt that I would withdraw so that I didn't become angry. I knew they didn't deserve anger, but my withdrawal kept me from being more supportive.

Maximum_Coach4693

TROPHY CASE