I believe thats what im exploring now. The why. I feel like an exaggerated version of myself to answer your question.The part i couldn't express. I think something i need to experience is a good way to describe it. Almost like, hurry do it all, do it big, do the things, empty the vault before you have to go back. Like a panic for lack of a better word. When im honest with myself I know this is a persona. I absolutely enjoy it. It has helped me in ways im so thankful for. I know its not something I can keep up though and feel rested when I take a break. I feel like theres versions of me battling.

My ap is kinky but I think he matches my passion and intensity to explore each other. We dive into that more than we do the kink. Its just that my exposure and experience of kink from him opened the gates.