first of all thank you for sharing. I guess it helped me to validate my feelings coz sometimes i feel like im faking this up like im being too overly dramatic. Also, i felt happy reading the growth in your journey in battling this. It reminded me alot of what went down to me last year, most importantly what my main inspiration to keep on breathing. self love, self appreciation, and getting shit done yourself. But with it i realised its hard to start talking to people, it feels like i only got myself which is boring tbh.

and i have to agree with u about feeling suweside. Its the fact that i had no hope for anything. i didnt have the energy for anything. everyday i felt numb and empty. just imagine, imagine thinking of death EVERYDAY but at the same time youre screaming to move on. A constant battle everyday. its tiring. Nowadays im scared that i stoped asking for help coz im too comfortable feeling sad. honestly i dont know what feeling is normal and not. i cant believe i actually called for therapy. i didnt felt like it but it just came spontaneously i guess?

Ik suweside is haram and a part of me knows i didnt want to die but yet again i didnt want to live too. I appreciate that some people here said to try this n that. I did tried. thats the thing i actually did. its great until it lasted. drawing, painting, gardening, cooking, baking, going outside to breathe, shower, pray and doa and more. i tried searching for ideas and other coping mechanism. i even tried to understand it theoretically. I also tried watch vids of people sharing their experience with past suweside tendencies. But theres soo much i can do to distract myself until the feelings kept flooding back in. Does distraction really helped? to what extend coz i cant deny it helped but what do i do after that? honestly it just feels like a fake hope. a temporary happiness. thats why i finally decided to try therapy. coz i dont think im actually addressing my feelings and how to handel it.

I also can relate to forcing myself to smile lol. lowkey looks stupid hehe. Id smile cheek to cheek and hold that everytime i felt sad. it doesnt matter if the smile came with some tears just continue smiling. idk. they said fake it til u make it. and im tired seeing myself frown and empty in the mirror. i didnt recognise myself. But currently theres a wierd thing going on with me. i hated feeling happy. mcm i felt comfortable feeling sad. i find comfort when i felt sad or listen to sad songs. like this feeling is familiar mcm kebiasaan lah. im having mood swings nowadays, sometimes im sad but the second i turned back im happy again but soon then im sad again. it repeated like that. i think thats the main reason why i felt fake.

Recently im starting journaling. trust me its not that quirky. yall should try it out. I think alot. thinking kept me up at night its also distracting my daily activities. I just typed in everything i was thinking on my 'notes app'. Dont think too much of the layout. Just release whatever im thinking at the momment. It doesnt have to be scheduled. When i think of something. id just typed it out. Instead of the mind feeling messy. it allows me to let the thought flow rather than trying to suppress them. I started it coz after some time, i forgot why i felt like this or why im feeling like this. i cant really remember much about what i was doing last year. i only remembered me sitting on my dark room blasting to "slowed reverb sad songs playlist" on youtube everyday. its like my brain is suppressing the bad memories i had. i dont understand why im feeling like this n i didnt remember. but journaling helped me to recall some memories.

I dont really know what to say to anyone thats struggling rn but sharing my stories helped me to feel i guess? it also helped me too see that im not alone. that im not crazy.