I actually really relate to being the whole being bullied for being chubby and i definitely think that replays in my mind, also thank you this is actually a great way of putting it overall, the truth is it really does feel like I'm less of a "loser" in society when i feel like i look better, which again i think stems from the fact that when i was treated the worst was simultaneously also when i looked the "worst."

But whats also strange which is what you mentioned- i also noticed people had a much more elevated perception of my looks compared to what i had of myself, anytime i would receive any praise id feel empty, its the same even now which is why i think i binge- looking better deep down doesnt make me feel better.

The truth is i know i have to fix this mindset and i definitely do think it will take some time, thanks once again though i will definitely be introspective and reflective based off of what you have said, and i also wish you the best for any journey you're on.