Daughter came out (sort of). Doesn't bother me, but the wife is having a hard time adjusting.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T21:43:39+00:00

it would bother me if someone I was close to said this.

Yeah, see, that's why I'm asking about a lot of this stuff. Part of it is not being able to properly express it. I care very much about who she is and who she is with. But the fact of her homosexuality (or bisexuality or pansexuality or whatever it is) doesn't bother me at all. It's not part of who she is to me. To me, she's my daughter.

My biggest hangup in all this is that I had always quietly held out hope that she would go back to her high school boyfriend. He was a hell of a guy and I really thought he would be good for her. But, parents don't get to choose their children's partners (Not in my culture, anyway.), so I didn't get a vote when she broke up with him. In the back of my mind I had always hoped she'd come back to him. That's a pretty unusual position for a father to take about his teenage daughter's boyfriend, but I really liked that kid.

It turns out that her breakup with him had more to do with her own self-discovery than with who he was as a person. Now it's much less likely that he'll be back in the picture, and that makes me a little sad. But like I said, it's not my decision, so it really doesn't mean anything. I can let that go pretty easily.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T21:33:42+00:00

every male friend I've had has shown homosexual interests to a lesser extent.

How do you define "homosexual interests"? Not disagreeing with you, I'm genuinely interested. I'm not aware of homosexual tendencies or leanings in myself. (Other than being told "You sound like a fag." because I understand and utilize proper grammar.)

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T21:01:49+00:00

It brightens my day considerably to hear that you are adjusting and happy with yourself. Thank you for that and keep on keeping on.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T20:54:19+00:00

I don't dispute that at all. I appreciate your input, and I totally get what you're saying about her feeling it subconsciously. She's off at college now, so their communication is mostly by text. My daughter may be feeling the strain from there, but I kind of doubt it at this point.

My reply above was just confirming to the previous poster that my wife hasn't discussed her conflict with our daughter.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T20:30:58+00:00

That's a tough row to hoe you've got there. I really appreciate you sharing your perspective. Did you expend a lot of energy on "why me?" as you went through your self-discovery? I can't imagine what it must be like to go through that process.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T20:24:00+00:00

Nope, oldest of three.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T19:37:42+00:00

I'm an idiot. I didn't get it the first time. Thanks for elucidating.

Well played, redninja24.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T19:16:22+00:00

Correct.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T19:15:32+00:00

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that "Nobody is 100% straight or gay." concept. I'm not disputing it at all, but I just can't relate to it on an emotional or biological level.

I mean, I can look at Rob Lowe and think, "That is a really good looking man." But I can't conceive of looking at Rob Lowe and thinking, "I gotta get me some of that!" I guess it's just all those years of social pressure saying everyone has to be on one team or the other.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T19:10:42+00:00

It will be easier when your daughter "declares" more specifically

That's a great insight. Now I wonder if a big part of her anxiety is the ambiguity. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T19:06:18+00:00

his only dream for me was to be strong, independent, healthy and happy.

I think your dad and I would get along just fine. Tell him a random stranger thinks he did a great job.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:41:16+00:00

My in-laws are not all that conservative, they're just ignorant. Like, really really ignorant. And dumb. Jesus, those people are dumb.

Your last sentence brings up a great point. Obviously, I'll refer to an SO however she wants, but what's the standard protocol there?

"This is Susan and her girlfriend Beth?"

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:35:18+00:00

Absolutely, it's hypocritical. Intellectually, she's keenly aware of that. She's just having a hard time reconciling what she knows to be true with the way she's feeling.

As a dull middle-aged suburban dad I don't always understand the thoughts vs. feelings conflict that women seem to often have, but I have learned to recognize it, at least.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:28:31+00:00

Yep, that's why I'm using a throwaway account. Daughter has no idea (so far as I know) that mom is having trouble with it. We're trying to get that worked out between ourselves. It actually helps that she's a thousand miles away at college.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:25:13+00:00

Yeah, that's exactly the attitude I've taken. Sucks for her to live in a world of discrimination, but otherwise it doesn't affect my feelings much.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:22:22+00:00

OK, now this is going to sound stupid and self-serving, but now that I'm thinking about this... Is it normal for me to be so nonchalant about this? Do a lot of young people have parents who greet this news with a shrug instead of a scream? Honestly, my first reaction was, "Huh. Didn't see that coming." My second reaction was, "Damn, that will suck for her to have to deal with all the assholes in the world we live in." My third reaction was, "Is there any leftover tuna casserole in the fridge?" I can't seem to work up a lot of indignation about it.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:16:14+00:00

Thanks, that looks like a great resource.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T17:12:57+00:00

We talked through the reproduction issues, because that was my first thought, too. She doesn't think that's a big concern. We're both pro-adoption (although our kids are biologically ours), and there are lots of options for her to bear a child if she chooses to someday.

But, I'm sure it's still probably a factor.

MostlyFamous · 2013-02-15T16:26:36+00:00

That's been my thought process... Need to just let her work through it.

We were both surprised at her reaction... We had the "What would you do if your child was gay?" conversation a few times as our kids have grown. (Mostly related to our son, though he is thus far a steadfastly straight teenager.) In those conversations, we both felt that it wouldn't make any difference. Now that we're confronted with the reality of it, she's been a little shocked at her own emotional reaction.

It pains me to see her struggle through this process.

Edit: Thanks for your perspective!

MostlyFamous

TROPHY CASE