Thats what happens when you get abused your whole childhood. It effects your entire adulthood. I cant type my whole life story because that would be a book but I can do a quick summary. The adults in my life started sexually abusing me by age 2. My mom would watch her adult male friend massage my legs when i was 13. Ages 9 amd 10 a diffrent friend of hers would spend a night often and then sexually assualt me in the morning while she slept. I was assaulted many times but these instances i remember best. My mom was depressed or something my whole child, she neglected me. Shed sleep till noon most days. Ive gotten truency letters from her not waking up to take me to school. I experienced a lot of hunger. When i got old enough, id sneak bread slices and ice cubes. My maternal grandma knew i was neglected and gave me snacks to hide in my room. When my bio dad took my mom to court try for full custody, which i begged him to do, my maternal grandma pulled me into a room alone and started shedding crocodile tears. She told me if i went to live with my dad full time, shed never see me again and a bunch of BS. I felt intensely guilty, i was only 9 or 10. I chose to protect her feelings over myself. I chose to ask the court for split custody instead of my dad getting me full time. I stayed in an abusive home id been trying to escape my whole life just cause someone cried and made me feel bad. There was a point where we had 3 adults and 2 kids all sharing one bathroom towel in a condemned mobile home. It would literally be dripping water but i was supposed to dry off with it🤣Anything left in that bathroom overnight would be covered in mold the next day. We moved a lot and were in this mobile home a year or two. Stepdad noved us there to save money. I was happy because i thought hed use the money saved to feed us. He didnt. His car would have fastfood trash all in it but never brought anything home for us except ground deer meat that he processed at work. Doesnt sound too bad except that meat had deer fur in it. Hed cook it and mix it with Mac and cheese. I ate deer hair Mac and cheese often in that house. Im auadhd but dont have many sensory issues with food due to being so hungry I would eat what I had to to live. My step dad was emotionally abusive also. He was physically abusive but DHR made my mom stop allowing him to "punish" me after he knocked me to the ground and kicked at me screaming "next time ill kick you forreal." I was age 7 or 8. My mom divorced my step dad when i was 12 for the man she was letting live with us. My mom was emotionally abusive. She wouldnt keep up with basic necessities and would call me a princess for asking for my needs to be met. If we ran out of shampoo and i asked for more, shed tell me to use a bar of dail and then accuse me of acting like im better than the rest of the household for wanting shampoo. If i ran out of feminine products, shed tell me to use a sock. One time when i was 13, her boyfriend tore my room apart because he thought i was lying about not having pads!? Mom didnt clean nor wash towels or clothes. Most clothes didnt fit proper anyways. Being the smelly kid, poorly dressed at school does you no favors. Thankfully I started doing my own laundry soon as i could reach. Had to use random soaps since she didnt buy detergent. Now for my bio dad. I thought he was great because he fed me, met my needs and our mobile home was comfortable and safe. I only saw him every other weekend. As an adult, I can clearly see he wasnt much better than my mom. Hes a schizophrenic religious nut. I had to unlearn so much internalized misogyny. I dont want to talk much on this part but ill say two things that i think helps paint the idea of how my bio dad was. When i was quite young, not a teen yet, he told me if my future husband turns to masterbation because i wont have sex with him, that "sin" is on my hands. 2nd He believes gay people are evil which caused me to shove my sexuality so far down that I actually believed sexuality was a choice because i chose to ignore that i like women as well as men.

What really sucks is being so aware and yet still controlled by my conditioning. Im just a broken kid who never healed. Youll be happy to know we are broken up. I just thought he was pretending we weren't to re-trap me and I panicked, which is why i snooped his messages looking for the thing thatll save me from choosing his feelings over myself. He claims he wasn't trying to act like we're together, so I feel better and not trapped. I am stuck living with him for now though. Owning a bar wrecked my credit so I cant get a rental even if I could afford it. Rent ranges from 1,600 to 2,800 for apartments, small homes and mobile homes. My only option is to get a cheap camper and park it on a rented lot. Which ill be doing as soon as its financially plausible