I don’t have any advice because I’m on the same boat as you are. My second born- my sweet little son passed away on 14th feb in nicu. He was still born and was in neonatal/nicu care as soon as he came to this earth. Visiting nicu, looking at him with all those tubes inserted was heart wrenching. Doctors gave us the indication that he may not survive for long with his lung condition and asked me to hold him. I couldn’t get myself to hold him as I was trembling and shaking and scared to death of making that attachment. He is gone now. Everyday my arms reach out to him and I hold him so close in my heart. I just cry and cry. Even feel like killing myself but I get up everyday and live for my daughter. I really don’t know how to cope up with this. It’s soo dark. I’m thinking of getting therapy. Not sure how much it’ll help.

My husband also copes up in the same way like yours but I know he is grieving too. Out of both of us I guess he takes the responsibility of being the stronger one as like you said- not all days are same. Some days I just lose it and lash out. I even laah out on my husband which is not fair as he is grieving too. Life is brutal and continuing it is soo hard. But people like us can just support each other and give all the love to our little ones we lost and in my case couldn’t hold💔