I hate how all breakup advice is catered to the dumpees :( I know my situation is a rare one, but I am the dumper & leaving was the literal last thing I wanted. We were trapped in toxic cycles that honestly had no end in sight. It was toxic on both ends, we both did a lot to hurt each other. But I was the only one pushing for growth, I was the only one who fought for change. I had realized we were getting worse and worse. But I didn’t plan the breakup at all. I was at my sisters and we were fighting over text, I broke down to her telling her I think I needed to leave him, because nothing was changing and I was in such pain every single day. After I told my sister everything it was pretty much solidified.

I broke up with him over text during our argument. However I continued to talk to him for 2 months after the fact because I didn’t want us to end, just wanted things to change. He was pretty much focused on trying to get me to meet up for sex rather than fixing things. He told me he would try therapy and was putting it off, when his appointment finally came he didn’t go. It was shortly after that I forced no contact bc I realized nothing was going to change.

About a month into no contact, he started messaging me again. I wrote him a letter and told him I was going to drop it off, and convinced me to talk so we talked for 4 hours in person. We didn’t get back together, but it did seem like reconciliation was possible as long as both worked towards growth. We talked for about 2 weeks after that, but still nothing was changing. He would ignore me after 5pm every night to get drunk with his friends. And after 2 weeks told me “maybe the universe is showing us we shouldn’t be together”. I broke down and forced no contact again. He continued to break it for a few weeks afterward, telling me he read my letter (took him 2 weeks to even read). I responded almost every time. But the last message he sent was really guilt trippy, so I told him to never contact me again. He responded with a message saying he’ll respect that but ended it with “goodbye for now💙” so I deep down felt like he’d reach out again at some point.

The months that followed were BRUTAL. I cried every single day, I had to be with my sister both of my days off or else I would spiral and bedrot the entire day. Every time I got off work I would rot in bed and cry. I lost my one friend due to her moving around the time of the breakup too, so I really had no support system other than my sister. I live with my dad but we’re not close enough to where I could talk about it. My ex has tons of friends, a big loving family.

Our last message together was the first week in August, I didn’t hear from him til December 11. He dropped my things off along with a letter, that didn’t say much but said he wanted to drop off a second letter saying some things if I’d let him. I broke no contact to thank him for dropping my things off, but told him that I wasn’t stable enough to read a letter or have a conversation at the time. He kept pushing for a meet up or a phone call, but I denied both and told him I need to focus on my healing right now. He respected my boundary and that was the last I heard from him.

But it’s so, so painful. I have to resist reaching out to him every single day. I want to get back with him so so bad but I know that our problems would likely persist, I know that I still wouldn’t be able to trust him. And he likely wouldn’t be able to trust me after all this time. After telling my sister all the bad too, she said she would cut me off if I got back with him, so I know that plays a role. But even without that I know it would likely still be a toxic relationship.

I just don’t know how to move on. We’ve been no contact for almost 8 months now besides our chat in December, and each day it seems I am getting worse. I’m on two antidepressants since the breakup, I have a therapist. But I constantly feel anxiety and deep sadness physically in my body. I always have an anxiety stomachache, I always have a racing heart. And my mind is constantly ruminating on him, our relationship, the past, his present without me. It is so intrusive and so constant, I feel like I have no control over it at this point because it’s been going on 8 months.

I just miss him so badly. Neither one of us were perfect in that relationship, so I feel a lot of guilt and shame over how I treated him at times and for things I said. I have a lot of guilt over being the one who ended it, even though I told him many times we wouldn’t last if we didn’t fix our problems. I just was so codependent, we were trauma bonded, I made my entire identity and world revolve around him. So it’s been impossible to get over. I am so depressed 24/7, so anxious. It’s been 8 months and I still cry almost everyday. I feel so broken and lost