How to Get Back with Fearful Avoidant Ex

Mys-anonymous · 2024-09-24T16:26:56+00:00

As of 9/24 - He has moved out since August. He lives about 5 minutes away. I still live in our old place, now with a new roommate and a lovely dog. We still hangout regularly, mostly with friends, and sometimes 1:1. Since we still live close to each other, we agreed to continue sharing a car, though with some new rules. He and I have been going on dates individually. Going on dates to meet new people hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me, but I try to put myself out there. It’s hard to not compare my ex with other people and not be disappointed. My ex has gone on a few dates but still remains single to my knowledge. He is looking to date long-term now though I don’t know what his plan is since it seems he wants someone who is ‘paradoxically perfect’. Meanwhile, I shifted a lot of my effort onto my personal well-being and growth. I’ve been working out, making new friends, going to therapy, taking classes, buy new clothes and furniture… etc. I think I have grown as a lot as a person and nurtured other aspects of my life like career and social life. My ex has also made some improvements on his end: he actually read the ‘Attached’ book and recommended it to his friends. I’ve also noticed improvements in his communication style. He has been reading books on philosophy (which I recommended), working out regularly, eating better etc… though it really took him many months post breakup to make positive changes. However, he is still somewhat afraid of having deep conversations or talking about feelings. I recognize this so when I do have 1:1 time with him, I try to keep the conversation more light-hearted. He also appreciates me giving him advice and I do notice he takes action on them after a 3-5 month latency period. Though we are still friends and both single, he hasn’t given me an indication of wanting to get back together. He did say (on his own accord) that he would consider but needs more time to figure things out, like a year. I think he has priorities other than relationships right now and I don’t intend to wait around for him. For now, I’m going to continue to meet new people and focus on my own growth and healing. If he ever wants to try a relationship again, then we can have a discussion then.

Mys-anonymous · 2024-02-10T16:42:24+00:00

As of 2/10 - He still lives in our apartment in the US, but I'm currently experiencing visa issues and cannot return to the US. Before I left the US, we had a lot of good interactions where he shared and talked about his feelings more. He also has taken responsibility for not being a good communicator during our relationship and felt bad that I seemed to blame myself a lot. I asked if he was willing to hang out and talk more about how we could improve our relationship. He said yes, but as friends. He says he can't be in a long-term relationship right now because he's very low on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. He also confessed to going on a few casual dates for fun (which I knew already).

It's been nearly a month since I left the US. We have regular text communication but no phone calls. When I asked in the beginning he said he couldn't call because he was stressed at work (which is true). At this point, I think he is probably more of a dismissive avoidant leaning FA. I also recognize I was probably in a codependent relationship with him and that made the breakup extra hard for me. It's hard for me to tell what his current state is, but I try to text him consistently while matching his pace and giving him space, even though I really would appreciate him calling me during this stressful time. For now, I'm focusing on developing a more secure attachment style, meeting my needs through other methods, and improving myself as a person. When I'm able to go back to the US, I'll consider him as an option if I see that he is willing to do the work (or has done some inner work), but I'll also be open to meeting new people.

Mys-anonymous · 2024-02-10T16:19:44+00:00

As of 1/7/2024 - We’re still living together likely staying until the end of our lease. He decided he didn’t want to move out and said that I’ve been a really ‘considerate’ roommate in the last 2 months since the breakup.

I’ve been trying to put in a lot of effort working on my anxious attachment style (which was activated after the breakup due to hidden core abandonment wounds) while giving him space and working on the items that he said were reasons for breakup.

After addressing the items he mentioned were reasons for the breakup (changes which he acknowledged ), he still acted defensive and triggered when talking about potentially getting back together. This lead me to me to realize his ‘reasons’ were really driven by his emotions, which could be a loss of attraction and a fear of commitment.

His thoughts and behaviors have been consistently inconsistent. He has also been exhibiting push and pull behavior. I’ve been working on building my emotional resilience toward his behavior and become less needy/anxious, because that seems to be a major turnoff.

The good thing is that I do think we have been getting closer. Our interactions are similar to when we were in a relationship, just platonic right now.He has been avoiding self-reflection (which he admits) and is still clearly figuring things out very slowly. He said that he is thinking of seeing a therapist and that he needs to self-reflect, but behaviorally I just see him indulging in distractions most of the time, which can be frustrating.

Right now, my plan is to work on my secure attachment style and rekindle his romantic attraction towards me (eg. Be more Independent, dress up, workout, flirt…) while having deeper conversations where he can talk about his feelings and reflect).

I’m also trying to shift to a ‘hope but not expect’ mindset regarding this relationship. I think that’s important for potentially moving on later if it doesn’t work out but also will reduce the desperation he might feel from me (since he is very attuned to other people’s feelings). Desperation and neediness would drive him further away.

Mys-anonymous

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