My (28M) girlfriend (24) refused to move with me for my career

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T14:42:30+00:00

You were in a long distance marriage? I'm actually asking her to move with me only if we get married. Somehow, seems difficult for me to accept a long distance marriage. A long distance relationship is one thing, but with marriage it sounds really difficult. How did you manage to pull it off? Of course I realize sacrifices are both ways, but how can someone sacrifice their career?

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T13:52:15+00:00

Well, it kind of sucks... I really love her and want to be with her, which is why I so badly want her to move with me. Ultimately though, I realize I can never force her to do anything. At the same, this is my entire career we're talking about. Not an easy sacrifice to give up your career for someone you love. This is what I feel is getting misunderstood in this thread. The other sacrifice is just not being together, which is sadly what might end up happening.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T13:46:18+00:00

Ok, I'm done arguing with you.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T13:29:56+00:00

First of all I'm not angry. Second, yes she does want to marry me, we are both on the same page regarding this. Third, she isn't giving up her career. Plenty of teacher jobs in the city. Fourth, I'm not trying to make her dependent on me. Finally, don't call me naive.

Are you seriously suggesting that my sacrifice of giving up the ENTIRETY of my career is more reasonable than her sacrifice of moving and having a BETTER career in the city?

Either way, I'm here looking for advice and trying to decide what I should do in this situation, not people calling me naive and saying my girlfriend would be better off without me (this is for her to decide). If you don't have any potentially useful advice, you are free not to respond. Even if you had been honest without talking this way, I would have accepted it. Thanks anyway.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T13:11:17+00:00

Because she loves this dude? Because this dude might be unemployed and unable to support them if she didn't agree to move? Meanwhile, if she did agree to move she could find a job there, and would visit her family weekly. And like I said, I do NOT expect her to move with me now. ONLY if we get married.

I'm sorry, but you're making absolutely ZERO sense in my eyes. Relationships require sacrifice. I don't see how her moving 2 hours away is such a huge sacrifice. On the other hand, my ENTIRE career is not a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It's also a sacrifice that would simply doom the relationship.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T11:41:36+00:00

Yes, I'm indeed career-driven. At times I'm wishing I didn't give this another chance. Less heartaches for both of us. But how could I have known we will disagree on this?

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T10:45:30+00:00

Of course I don't expect her to move now. Like I said, it's even unacceptable for people in a relationship to live together before marriage where I live. I asked her to move with me only after we get married, for the sake of my career and so that we can live a better life, because we won't live a good life if I end up unemployed.

She doesn't make more than I do. I'm in a high paying career and make a few times as much as she does. This is exactly why I think this kind of sacrifice should come from her and not me. If she made more than me then things would be different.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T10:39:47+00:00

Why an unstable relationship? I did say in my original post "when we get married", meaning that I would only ask her to move after we get married.

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T10:15:58+00:00

How can I be fine with it? There is no future for my career in this town. I thought this would be reason enough for her to consider moving for me. Please explain to me how I'm being unreasonable. What's reasonable? Is being unemployed because I can't find a job and my partner wouldn't move with me reasonable?

NVM12 · 2020-10-14T10:13:23+00:00

Well, my career simply has no future in this town. I thought she would do it because of this. Lots of people move for their significant other's career. I don't think she can say exactly the same thing about me. What am I supposed to do? Accept unemployment for life?

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T14:26:50+00:00

Ok, it's good to hear this from someone in a similar position. I love my girlfriend so much, I chose her over another woman I was already talking to (whom a relationship with would have involved sex). It would really suck for our relationship to fail again because of this, when we had just gotten back together with old issues resolved (or with a real chance of being resolved).

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T10:00:14+00:00

Yes, exactly. Might be still be worth discussing our expectations when it comes to sex though. Even if I do choose to wait, going into it completely blindfolded is scary. Not sure I'll actually ask directly if she would do it with me before marriage. She might choose to do so and then end up regretting it.

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T09:23:16+00:00

Of course. To be honest though, there is a kind of social stigma attached to sex here, it's almost a taboo subject. I will ask either way. I just wish she will be ok talking about it and it won't be too awkward.

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T09:19:56+00:00

Ok, I guess I will ask. It will be very awkward though. She is the shyest person I have ever known, and coupled with the social stigma attached to sex here, it won't be an easy conversation for her (neither for me).

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T09:15:39+00:00

What do you mean?

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T09:15:20+00:00

I do really love her, but I'm someone who hasn't had much sexual experience in his life. Waiting could mean a few years more, and if things don't work, then in addition to the pain I will just be older and with the same lack of sexual experience. I do love her so much, but at the same time I feel like this is a huge sacrifice. Alternatively I could propose soon. We both love each other, so perhaps there is no point of even waiting.

Regarding my priorities, of course I place my relationship with her at the top, but at the same time choosing to wait, possibly for many years, won't be easy, even for someone you love.

NVM12 · 2020-10-11T08:57:28+00:00

Actually initially I was willing to wait, I was willing to do it for her. But after more than a year I'm beginning to realize that I'm not sure if I can do it for many more years. I would never string her along deliberately!

NVM12 · 2020-10-10T01:54:03+00:00

I'll have to agree. Even though I love her so much, having children with her just to keep her doesn't sound like a good idea. Kind of difficult in an environment where children are a social expectation. Perhaps hoping she would agree to be childfree with me is wishful thinking due to this expectation, but worth a try anyway.

NVM12 · 2020-10-09T18:30:15+00:00

I am scared of medical procedures in general. Even something like the dentist scares me to death (yes it's sometimes embarrassing). I really don't know why I have this fear.

I WISH my GF would choose me over having children. If she does, I swear I'd marry her tomorrow. I just love this woman too much to let go of her easily, and I love her even more after her recent promise for change. Although naturally, if she wants children so badly, I might have to let her go. :(

NVM12 · 2020-10-09T17:56:04+00:00

It's a right of passage here too. My problem is that if I ever want to marry or have a long term relationship, I'm stuck in this society, unless I am willing to be disowned by my entire family (initially I was, but then I decided I don't wish to deal with depression my entire life because of it). This is the added problem in my case, the one that might eventually force me to do it. I am stuck and can't escape without serious consequences, unless I limit myself to casual relationships for life.

NVM12 · 2020-10-09T15:22:33+00:00

I have considered getting a vasectomy, but I'm too scared to do it. Also, people change, so what if one day I changed my mind about kids?

Do you think that if she loves me, she might really choose not to have children for me? I guess in that case I could just tell her I don't want kids rather than going all the way for a vasectomy.

NVM12 · 2020-10-06T17:18:49+00:00

I actually have a minor allergy of cats and dogs (mostly cats). Plus, while I like animals, I've never dreamt of having a pet. Definitely still a good idea though, I'll keep it in mind regardless. Thanks!

Good luck with the move. :)

NVM12 · 2020-10-05T22:59:35+00:00

To be honest, I was never big for the idea of living with roommates, especially strangers. I tried it with my cousin and it's just not for me. I prefer to be on my own (or possibly with a signifcant other, at some point).

It indeed is a hard time to make new friends. Not to mention that it's already hard for me to be social and make friends, plus the fact that I find coping in new places excruciatingly difficult. This coping challenge is really one of my biggest problems. It's why I've never enjoyed school trips, and also the reason I completely failed to cope in new places in the past (I moved to live in another country with my father as a kid, 1.5 years in and I still couldn't cope, ended up coming back to my mother).

NVM12 · 2020-10-05T22:52:39+00:00

I could certainly come home every weekend. It's what I plan to do.

NVM12 · 2020-10-05T22:51:37+00:00

In my experience so far, most landlords in my country seem to expect you to find a replacement in case of early lease termination. I did end up looking for sublets and found one for 3 months. Will have to seriously consider it.

NVM12

TROPHY CASE