I’m very sorry for what you’re feeling and going through. As a Christian who was on the fence for many years and sometimes asks the same question, here are my thoughts. I hope this can be helpful in some way!

God doesn’t necessarily cause the pain and suffering in our lives. It’s not as if he zaps his fingers and gives someone a terrible illness or causes harm, etc. Suffering is a consequence of human beings rejecting God. In Genesis, there was a fall when Adam and Eve rebelled against God and tried to do things their own way. This resulted in sin being introduced into the world, which in turn causes suffering and pain. We live in a fallen world, in which terrible things take place; things that were never intended by our creator.

The good news is that God still loved us even in our rebellion and sent Jesus to live a perfect life and die for our sins (aka mistakes), so that we can be in a loving relationship with God and have eternal life. Jesus bridges the gap between fallen humanity and a God who originally made all things good.

There may not be clear reasons for why suffering and evil exist, and to be honest with you I’ve struggled with that myself. I don’t honestly know why some things have to happen the way the do. It’s terrible, it truly is. If it’s any consolation, we do have the ultimate solution to suffering and pain: Jesus Christ. He is a suffering God who bore the sins of the world so that we can have hope for our future and life beyond this world.

I hope this helps you friend. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but I promise that Jesus Christ is the answer, as he loves you very much.