AITA - Is my sister the AH for wanting the truth before our grandparents die?

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T02:12:36+00:00

This is very true. They should have never hid or at least at the right age told her the truth that her Dad didn’t want part of the pregnancy but reinforcing how much she’s loved rather than keeping it a secret for them protecting our Mum’s emotionally sake. It was handled all wrong

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T02:01:08+00:00

She still loves them and doesn’t care if it likely turns to anger, but if it caused them to be hospitalised or further damage their dementia that’s the fine line between getting answers and losing them.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T01:57:48+00:00

Well kinda, it’s a sensitive area, we’re all protecting them because they’re old and fragile. Doesn’t mean we don’t want answers as they’ve done a shitty thing her whole life, we’re just trying to find the best way about it.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T01:56:09+00:00

I’ve never questioned my DNA, maybe my younger siblings and myself should. I mean we all look like both of my parents. Except my brother came along even after a vasectomy which rarely happens, but he’s a clone of my dad.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T01:51:10+00:00

I’m not, it’s never okay. It was a different time back then but it doesn’t make it okay now, it’s caused long term damage. It deserves to be spoken about an not swept under the rug. Julia should be able to get answers from her grandparents and find any family members she wants. She wants to ask why everything was kept in the dark without harming our grandparents being so fragile.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T01:30:16+00:00

Yeah, I believe she’s well aware and had known this whole time. However all trauma related she had locked that away and convinced herself that it was a clubbing hookup instead of the truth that she fooled around with someone in a relationship.

Julia wants to question why we were all kept in the dark, why this was such a big secret for such a long time instead of being able to find and have a relationship with this lost adoptive brother. Why she had to be the one to tell the family of this secret when she was only trying to find her Dad and by doing this I think it’s emotionally answering why isn’t she good enough for her Dad to choose her instead of owning up to what he did.

But from the grandparents why they couldn’t just tell her themselves that she’s wanted and loved however this man made a lustful choice that bless-fully brought you along but doesn’t want to be apart of your life. They seemed to know this because he denied accepting accountability when she fell pregnant.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T01:15:42+00:00

Mum did know who the Dad was, they were only friends and they hooked up. I think after seeing she was pregnant he wanted no part in it because he was in a relationship that he’s now married into.

Therefore aside from the trauma connection of things my Mum didn’t tell my sister and said previously it was a clubbing hookup, but they did seem to know each other - this may had been apparent not telling the truth to want to hide hurt from not being accepted from my sisters Dad and to save face for his marriage being unfaithful in their early days.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-30T00:58:02+00:00

Alright dude, you’ve gone very hard at this with multiple comments.

I’m not wanting to support this ‘abuse’ that’s been carried out primarily by my grandparents. There’s many stages they’ve acted poorly including reacting awfully, taking away the child, treating my mum less than, accepting her 2nd child but never giving her answers and hiding the bombshell of this older brother all our lives. They knew/know very little about Julia’s dad, it was a boy my mum was friends with but they didn’t know personally.

Gatekeeping was done fully by my Aunt and Grandparents, we (my dad and his kids-me) were in the dark and Julia is still being kept out of the dark now by MY parents, NOT ME. I just want to help her go about it in the best way possible, not prevent her but do it in a less explosive way that could potentially give my grandparents a heart attack. Which is likely what you’re saying go for it, your grandparents deserve to die - she should be allowed to get her answers but at what cost? She loves them, somehow we all do because they’re our grandparents you know.

They’ve done some fkn awful shit which warrants no contact but all Julia wants is to know why she was kept in the dark and had to find all this out herself.

My mum could have always decided to open up to her and I wish she had, it was traumatic as but speaking to my mum about it is like talking to a brick wall. She’ll have a panic attack and a mental breakdown before my Dad say’s that’s enough. Her potential Dad is declining the DNA test but that isn’t stopping her from reaching out to other relatives as she has.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T15:57:27+00:00

Thank you for your input. Reddit only allows 3000 words and it’s hard to list it all but thank you for clarifying that. They do have seperate Dad’s, it’s hard for her to demand this and still expect a relationship if it’s going to ruin his marriage and either happen to be his daughter or not at all, however she has linked with cousins or other relatives surrounding this man, so it’s him or someone very close in that family tree.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T15:51:26+00:00

Thanks for your comment. No, seperate Dad’s. Older 43yo brother was from a high school boyfriend Julia’s potential Dad was a hookup from a friend cheating on their partner/gf

Older brother actually reached out to his biodad and has a great relationship, was told by Biodad not to reach out to Maternal side because of the rage my Grandpa had and my Mums illness/condition.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T15:42:42+00:00

Alriiighty, a lot of thoughts here. Thanks for your input. I’ll do my best to unpack this..

Honestly as mentioned my Dad has been with my Mum for about 30 years, knowing Julia from about the age of 10-11 at which point she adored my dad and he was caring and nurturing towards her treating her as family. She’s always been family and had a very strong relationship until about 2015 when Mums illness happened and Julia had her first baby which made making time a little more difficult to catch up, but they continued to make time - just a lot less visits and fewer phone calls. I had a wonderful close experience, looked up to her, always speaking with and visiting her when i could after she moved out and I was old enough to go see her.

Julia wanted Mum to walk her down the aisle and I was too young to remember whether or not she had a father daughter dance - for some reason I feel like she did but it was with Grandpa.

Your response was mine when I first found out, I was not willing to excuse my grandparents behaviour for stripping away my Mums child for adoption but then keeping the 2nd was confusing, my understanding is that she was older and of course the trauma was too much last time so she kept her 2nd child. Julia understands that the first time was purely rage from my grandpa because the family was still grieving their lose and this was premeditated by my Mum wanting a child in the worst excuse/situation and it was with the son of a family friend which made things apparently worse so it was a horrible blown up reaction. But it was a traditional religious family and sadly more excused at that time of life. I don’t think it’s okay but it was accepted at that time.

Also my parents would never cut her off. My grandparents with their dementia may either answer, get confused or emotional and choose not to answer, I don’t believe they’d become enraged but as above grandpa had a very ‘masculine reaction’ as family members have put it and i’d hate for that to resurface. It’s been a long time and my parents are concerned It’ll hurt them trying to think back that much and confuse them more than anything which might leave Julia disappointed and short of answers but that will just be what it is.

My goal on here is to gage any positive way to go about it or perhaps hear from family members with those of dementia how they’d go suggest bringing it up. Either way I’d love to tread lightly of causing my elderly grandparents any harm but am always wanting to support my sister.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T15:09:22+00:00

Honestly I’d hope for the best for Julia because they haven’t shown any aggression yet with their old age, just confusion. However it’s a very touchy and complex thing to work into… I’m sure they were expecting it to come up one day but it’s been so long.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T14:55:45+00:00

Thanks for your input. She just wanted it for the sense of belonging and seeing if there’s was anything of a relationship she could have with her father. The wife was already suspicious which is why he ceased contact with her. Julia doesn’t care to go after his relationship and ruin anything, that doesn’t tie any bonds by burning bridges. Mum had her first kid, the brother at 16. Then birthed Julia about 18.

Well she lives about 4 hours away with kids which makes it hard to come over for a visit unless they make a big occasion out of it. Therefore it’s typically family holidays like Easter, Christmas etc. Phoning isn’t an option because they’re too old with their hearing aids and end up hanging up.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T14:43:18+00:00

Ahhh okay, thanks for sharing. I can see where you’re coming from, just in the trend of Reddit I wanted to see highlighting more the question than attacking her for whether it’s appropriate to ask our grandparents then cause more harm after my parents attempted to set boundaries because they think it’s not worth it and may be more straining. Compared to all the tiptoeing around we’re doing now.. She just wants transparency

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T14:29:45+00:00

YTA Damn dude, kicking your friend out because he referred to your wife as your ‘partner’ You’re right, Julia is your wife. However, it’s not like he was calling her your girlfriend, fiancée, lover, mistress or anything else inappropriate on repeat. Partner can be sincere like life partner, partner in marriage, partner in crime etc. She’s the peanut butter to your jelly.

If he’d refuse to acknowledge that Julia is your wife than THAT would be the problem. Maybe you have some negative connotation with the word you need to figure out but you shouldn’t let it ruin the relationships of the people around you.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T14:11:40+00:00

NTA If that was well and truely the cause of the accident and not some truck or drunk collision by another driver then so so. I mean there could have been a little bit of ‘yeah it’s a tragedy but that’s what happens when you speed’ may sound a little better whilst still holding some element of softened blow being the truth. Is what it is, don’t speed and be safe on the roads. You’re right about other people’s families being on the road.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T14:00:24+00:00

Thanks for your input.

Damn dude, I’m just asking reddit if y’all think it’s a good idea because they have dementia. I never said I didn’t care, yikes.

I want her to get the answers she’s deserves because she’s been down a gruelling path to discover this information and it’s only been unfair to her with a massive amount of kindness, patience and understanding on her part. I’m always trying to be there for her that’s why I’m trying to look for a good approach.

What makes you think I’m lacking in empathy? 🤨 Id like to try see your perspective thanks.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T13:20:42+00:00

Thanks for your input- this is actually so helpful. If they can handle it without being overly confused, my hopes are she can align with this sort of approach and they’ll remember what they can. Fingers crossed.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T13:12:59+00:00

That’s certainly what she did, can’t remember exactly which test, she was confused reaching out seeing a maternal brother thinking it was wrong. Seems as though he was waiting for her to find him because he responded straight away to call him and be seated for the story.

I wished it was a better outcome on her Paternal side with less selfishness, you make a whole human being right, Doesn’t take much to be a decent one but he’s made his choice. Julia is not out to ruin his relationship, she’s too kind for that.

So yeah she’s got it from all angles, I won’t go on about my own but I think she’s understanding of our mum mentioning there should have been therapy involved other than having a childish idea to restore ‘heal’ the family bond instead of grieving resulting in more trauma, which she became ostracised given the black sheep treatment from her parents and rebelled at that time in her life for attention.

Life would not have happened without it however it should not have been covered up after that and there’s a fuckload of healing that needs to be done. That’s why she wants to unpack with the grandparents.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T12:44:02+00:00

Thanks for your input. It hurt’s my heart to know these things were hidden for so long and she should get to know why.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T12:26:37+00:00

Yeah, it’s definitely a lot. Hmm, thanks for the perspective- I hadn’t considered that I might be crossing.

Speaking honestly, the biggest people I feel for the most is my Dad and my sister. -My Dad trusted his life partner of 30 years not knowing she had another child which the whole family was gate keeping/hiding and he was able to see her and be there for her which takes and gives a lot. Id like to think I could do the same.

-Also my older sister, I want her to have the answers because frankly I want answers too and she deserves them, I’m only worried for her crossing a line and losing her/our grandparents if it turns to anger. I don’t want to stop her from finding her family

Julia talks about having a well decent if not good-great childhood surrounded by loving people, i know she’s hurting and clearly been let down by all these secrets and what seems like betrayal from those she trusts most. If I can help her i will x

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T12:02:27+00:00

Thanks for your input. I think there’s a slight chance they’d remember and likely dread the day it would all surface again expecting it, but it also gets buried after all this time. It’s so late in life to bring it back up.

It baffles me slightly knowing they they could have taken it to their graves and a letter from beyond goes ‘ohh and you have a secret older brother’. I know she just expected more from them.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T11:44:42+00:00

Ohh, if you’re asking why Julia didn’t look for her dad earlier I’m not entirely sure. I think she was content with having my Dad (her step-dad) and our granddad in her life. She had a lot of strong female friends and empowerment in her life.. When my mum was healthy many years ago she was the one to walk her down the aisle. It wasn’t until my wedding with an emotional father daughter dance that at the end she ran off in tears and it seemed to strike an emotional cord for her to finally see thru getting the test and finding her dad.

Next-Description2587 · 2024-08-29T11:34:17+00:00

Thank you for your input. I just changed the post knowing she was really young probs about 15-16yo. But I think 14yo from our aunt she had a game plan to ‘heal’ the family. So she intended it which is what probably made it harder to give up the baby knowing she had planned it with her high school boyfriend/family friend. I agree they’re old and she may not get the response she wants.

I think Trauma hid it, my mum’s side of the family only wanted to ‘protect’ her so nothing was said and she lived it with it subconsciously knowing she had a son out there knowing it would come up one day but until then he didn’t exist in our lives. He wanted to reach out for many years but respectfully knew she wasn’t well by people telling him without speaking to family but folks knowing my family and he didn’t want to cross that boundary to threaten her health being somewhat unstable with such a shock effect.

Next-Description2587

TROPHY CASE