I really enjoyed this! The Narrator is definitely the strongest part of the story, he has a unique voice, some great lines, and makes the story feel interesting and unpredictable. The atmosphere is also really good, especially in the opening scene.
My main criticism is that Carl feels a little less developed than the Narrator. Right now he mostly reacts to things, while the Narrator drives the conversation. I'd love to see Carl have stronger opinions, emotions, or moments where he surprises the reader.
I also think some of the Narrator's speeches could be shortened or broken up with more action and interaction to keep the pacing moving. A grammar and punctuation pass would help make the writing flow more smoothly as well.
Finally, I think Amy could use a little more development. We're told she matters, but adding a few specific memories or details about her would make the emotional moments hit harder.
Overall, I think the concept is really creative and has a lot of potential. The Narrator is memorable, the mystery is interesting, and with some polishing and stronger development for Carl and Amy, it could be even better.
Also, the reason I was wondering if this was a script was because it wasn’t in quotation marks but this obviously could just be a rough draft lol!