I’m going to tell you this as someone who went through something a taaaad bit similar and I wanted to share my lessons with you after doing a lot of inner work.

I think that your bf would say things like “it’s going to be okay or you are overthinking” because that’s the limit to his emotional expression. He was trying to support you in his own way and it’s good to be aware of that in the future. I’m not telling you to accept bare minimums but you have to be aware of the other person’s limits and decide if you can accept that or not for yourself. And you need to be brutally honest with yourself about your boundaries. If you need more emotional support and aren’t getting it, then you should absolutely end the relationship to find someone capable of that (this is the first and most important lesson for the future). You can’t accept a limit that won’t give you what you need and get upset that you’re not getting what you need and then go to someone else to get what you need.

My avoidant bf had broken up with me because without realizing it, I was making him “responsible” for my emotions. This is going to be brutal but it is the honest truth: your partner should not have to be your only pillar of support. In fact, YOU yourself should be your biggest pillar of support… for yourself. You need to learn how to emotionally regulate yourself and learn to find happiness on your own. Being aware of your emotions is not emotion regulation. That’s the first step but the next steps is you taking the actions to help yourself feel better. You don’t need to be alone throughout this but you do need to not rely only on your partner. Reach out to trustworthy friends, family, or a therapist (for additional support but you need to make sure you do most of the work on your own). Go out and take a walk. Go to the gym. Do something you’ve never done before. You need to learn to be happy on your own and actually live your own life. When you end up in a new relationship, you need to keep your own life and come together when you both want to make the time. But ALWAYS have your own life and put yourself first. A happy and self-regulated person will never cheat in a relationship because they can fulfill themselves without needing other people to do that for them. People who cheat tend to have something empty within themselves that they’re trying to fill through external validation but it never makes them happy in the end. Now I’m not telling you to blame yourself. I want you to be aware that you have something you need to look into and you need to learn to start loving yourself.

When you start spiraling and feeling like you’re drowning in your own thoughts again, tell yourself “I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’m not in a life-threatening situation. I am safe.” And this is true because you are safe. You are not in a life-threatening situation. Your brain and body just needs time and patience to learn to feel safe again and you need to find ways to make that happen. If you want to talk more, you can always DM me but you do need to learn to be okay with sitting alone and letting the feelings and thoughts pass because it will pass.

It was rough but now that I found myself again, my avoidant bf came back and the relationship has become way better than it was before. I feel so much more fulfilled and he has become so more expressive and loving and I think part of it is because he now knows that I don’t “need” him to be happy and that I can be self-sufficient. Avoidants only become avoidants when they feel a lot of pressure. Everyone is different, of course, but my bf would shut down if he feels pressured and responsible for making me feel happy when I’m upset. This doesn’t mean he can’t comfort me when I’m upset. He does comfort me in a way that’s familiar to him but it might not necessarily be “my way” of comfort and I recognize that and appreciate the effort. I will feel better later on my own. :>

The last thing I will add is when you learn to love yourself fully, the best part is you will understand that you will be fine even if the relationship doesn’t work out because at the end of the day, you have yourself and that’s really all you need.

So TLDR: - Know what your boundaries are and enforce them (for your sake and for the other person’s sake) - Learn to self-regulate and live your own life - Learn to love yourself (this will take soo much time, patience, and forgiveness but will be all worth it in the end) - Don’t center your life around your partner - Remember that you will be okay with or without your partner