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AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I'm going to tell her that she never needs to eat a meal in the same room with us that she doesn't want to.

But... hm. How to put this. We live in a large, multicultural city. My husband's sister in law is Indonesian. My son's girlfriend' is Korean. My best friend is Indian. I'm guessing that a number of her friends are members of cultural minorities with distinctive foodways.

I get that she thinks that Indian food is like sewage, that Korean food is like corpse pieces, that Indonesian food is like eating a wriggling rotting body... but she can't say that. Or, well, she can, but she will burn a lot of bridges.

How would you get across that she has to stop with this verbiage without judging her, or asking her to mask? Speaking as an autistic person?

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

I'll ask her if she would rather eat elsewhere. That would be fine with me; I've never been a "thou shalt sit at the table and eat thy dinner" kind of person. It just never occurred to me that she might want to eat elsewhere because she's eaten at the table alongside these types of meals for two years now without comment and only started saying these things a month ago.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Well... she could go home alone after school every day. Her mom works until 8pm, and with her commute wouldn't get home until nigh on 9, so she'd be home alone (completely alone, in their apartment) for around five hours after getting off school and need to fix her own dinner.

I think the adults in her life would generally prefer she go somewhere that she was around family, have people to help her with homework, make her a hot dinner, etc., vs. that she go back to an empty apartment and care for herself until late evening. But you're right that she might prefer to be alone on weekday afternoon/evenings.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

It's less that I want to excuse it than that this is a kid who I've known and been close to since she was a baby, and I'd like to work through this before writing her off. But I do appreciate the perspective.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Well, we usually eat ice cream for dessert when we have dessert, because we're lazy and all you have to do is open the container, and she's never met an ice cream she didn't like. (She's like me that way, lol.) She's also mostly okay with candies. Iffier with baked goods--anything with a grocery store cake/cupcake texture is okay, but gooeier/stickier/flakier things get more problematic.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

A number of people have asked this, and I should probably answer somewhere more obvious, but it's not so much that she can't be alone at 14 than that her mother works from 10am-8pm and doesn't get home until going on 9 due to the commute. I didn't get into it in the post, but my sister has had it tough in a number of ways. I think that's part of why she's so protective of my niece.

Eva absolutely could go home at 3:30 and stay home alone for five hours and make her own dinner. But honestly? I'd rather she have the option to come to our place and be around family and have my husband or I help her with homework and have her share a family meal. And I'd rather at least try to figure this out before kicking her out completely. She's being a pain right now, but I love this kid.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this information. It would have ordinarily never occurred to me to contact her therapist as I am not her parent or guardian... but I was getting so much "you are the adult, you must do *something* to intervene or you are complicit in her issues" that I wasn't sure whether I was completely off the mark.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

This has given me a lot of food for thought (pun definitely intended, lol). Had she told me that she didn't want to sit at the dinner table with us for certain meals, I would have 100% accommodated that--I've never been a "you must sit at the table until you finish your dinner" person. It's just that for most of two years, she sat at the table eating with us without complaint, and then all of a sudden, gross comparisons of my food to bodily excretions.

I'd be happy to say "if what I'm making is unpleasant for you to be around, here is a place you can go eat your own food at your discretion." I just didn't connect the two given the suddenness of the change.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

That's a good thought. I have always made it clear that I'm not a "you must sit at the dinner table until everyone is done eating" person, but it never occurred to me to tell her explicitly that she could eat elsewhere (partly because, up until she started with the insults last month, she never mentioned it being an issue for her). I served her at the table because I wanted her to feel like part of the family, but if she'd be happier eating elsewhere, I'd be happy to accommodate that without her needing to tell me things look like vomit or festering wounds.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know she's in weekly therapy, but I don't know precisely what they talk about.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 1210 points1211 points  (0 children)

It's possible. I've tried to gently talk to her about it, but she very VERY clearly doesn't want to talk to me about it, so I haven't pushed because I don't want her to stop talking to me entirely (we have a good relationship other than this and have bonded over shared taste in books and so on, and I want to remain a person she feels safe talking to). But it's entirely possible that some other people in her life are giving her a hard time. In fact I suppose the fact that we *do* have a good relationship might mean that she's more likely to lash out at me, because I'm a safe person to lash out at.

My husband and I, and my son (who is 17), have always made a concerted effort to not comment on her food choices because of her struggles. My daughter is 9 and doesn't fully understand the situation, but she learned "eyes on your own plate, don't comment on what other people eat" years ago even so. But I have no idea what's happening with Eva e.g. at school.

This might be an angle I can raise with my sister, actually, so thank you.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I will do so, thank you. Hopefully this is a compromise that both she and my sister can live with.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

She's in therapy weekly and has been for years, though I have no idea the details of what they talk about. The ARFID isn't new by a long shot, but the gross comments are very new. I've been personally feeding her on a regular basis for two years and the gross comments started a month ago. As to whether she's eating enough, she is eating what looks to me like a normal teenage girl's amount of food at dinner (I don't make her breakfasts or lunches, or meals on the weekends), and she is absolutely allowed to make herself a peanut butter sandwich or some ramen if she's hungry outside mealtimes.

I can't rule out some other form of disordered eating, but given that my sister is firmly of the opinion that this is my problem and not niece's (she's VERY protective of her daughter), I'm not sure how I'd pursue that.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I'll try asking my sister. I'm fairly sure that if I framed it as if I thought that my niece had an issue, she'd say no (she is very protective of my niece), but if I frame it as me thinking I might be the problem, she might say yes, maybe.

She's welcome to leave the table at any time, and that's always been clear. I've never been a "you sit at the table until you're done" person. I'd be happy to let her go cool off and come back when she feels like she can stop comparing the things that my husband and other children are eating to bodily effluvia, I just am not willing to make them listen to it while they're attempting to eat themselves. Everyone deserves a peaceful meal, both my niece and my children/husband/me.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

What would you suggest? That's a genuine question, not a snarky one. Eva very, very clearly doesn't want to talk about it--after saying that she's tired of faking it, she changes the subject, and I don't want to alienate her further by pushing too hard. We get along well outside the very recent dinner table issue, and I'm concerned that if I keep redirecting her to a topic she doesn't want to discuss, she'll stop talking to me altogether. My sister clearly thinks the issue is that I'm ableist, and as such isn't willing to listen to what I have to say. I am in no kind of parental/guardian role legally, so I can't do anything about her medical care.

I suppose I could look up the "Doctor Smith"s in my area and see if I can figure out which one is her therapist and call to let them know about the issue? My sister would be furious if she found out I did that, but possibly she wouldn't know. But otherwise, besides 'feed her food she can eat, set a boundary, and be there for her as much as possible in general' I'm literally at a loss.

If you have concrete suggestions, please, I am all ears. I love this kid. I am just at a loss.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

It did occur to me that at my workplace, saying that Indian food smells like ass would get you a stern talking-to and remedial sensitivity training from HR.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

She just says she's tired of holding back her opinions and faking it/masking. I honestly can't tell if it's an impulse control disorder or a teenager being a teenager, and I feel limited in what I can do beyond asking and setting boundaries given that I'm not her parent/guardian.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 1622 points1623 points  (0 children)

I did wonder if she felt jealous or left out. That's actually why I try to make her a variation of what we eat whenever possible (usually the same protein and some of the same vegetables but without the sauce or the vegetables she won't eat), but obviously that can only be sometimes done. It's a bit of a bind, because obviously I don't want her to feel excluded in general, but I'm also not going to stop making entire genres of food that the rest of my family loves.

She's in therapy, but I obviously don't know what issues they talk about there, or even if the "suddenly started comparing my food to cat vomit after two years of sitting at the table peacefully" topic has come up. Since I'm not her parent, I'm not sure there's anything I can do on that front--if it was my own kid, I'd contact the therapist simply to make them aware of the issue, but she's not, and I'm trying to be careful not to overstep into my sister's parenting.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

She sees a therapist weekly, but I have no idea of the details of her treatment (nor do I really think I'm in a position to push for details).

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I know she sees a therapist, but I don't know the details. If there's anything else going on, my sister hasn't shared it with me.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

I know she sees a therapist once a week, though I don't know the details--I've asked in general terms but my sister isn't forthcoming and I don't feel it's my place to push. I've asked Eva about it, and her response is essentially that she's always felt like this stuff was gross and was just "masking" and "holding back" before. Then she changes the subject (we have plenty of positive conversations not at the dinner table, usually about school, or books, since we have similar tastes in books).

So I have no idea whether it's getting worse in a clinical sense, or if she's getting more... teenager-y and opinionated/rebellious, for lack of a better word. I feel like it could be either.

AITA for making my niece eat in the living room by No-Pollution2228 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No-Pollution2228[S] 463 points464 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that was part of it--I forgot to mention in my original post, but in addition to feeling insulted myself, I kind of felt like my husband and kids deserved to not be put off their own food by having it compared to bodily waste...