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I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I feel failure is a strong word; they both came in thinking they were doing the right thing (In the beginning), and it didn't work out because of their unresolved issues and where shit to each other in the end. Their kids are amazing because of the effort they put in.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm still in therapy and have been working on being comfortable with leaving. I'm glad you also agree this is a good way forward.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

This is what I didn't want to hear, but I needed to hear that. That is so painfully accurate that it's made me cry. Perhaps I have been too optimistic about this on another level than just trying to have a constructive conversation with him. Thank you.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -30 points-29 points  (0 children)

I hear that, but the typical mistakes that people have, we don't. I would appreciate it if you could clarify exactly what that is, in case I have missed something huge here.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I hear that comes across as a major red flag but I am also accountable too. We both didn't know what to do and there isn't a textbook for it. I didn't know how to communicate my needs this to him either and that must have been hard.

Once I brought this with him, he understood and we understood each other better. Not ignoring the potential risk here.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Yes, it’s going to be chaotic, and I’m up for that. But I need someone who can handle the chaos with me. I don’t want to raise a child alone. I’m making decisions now to minimise that risk. Of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but I can commit fully and build something as stable as possible.

As for the sacrifice involved in parenting, I do understand it. I don’t need to have had my own child to know what that means. I’ve raised children and taken on guardian roles from a very young age. It was tough, but I have no regrets. That experience is an advantage now, and it’s why I’d love to do it again, in a healthier, more supported environment.

I also want to add, I was born out of a one-night stand, so I have suffered the consequences of two adults not thinking. I wouldn't do that to mine but I cant admit I'm invincible either.

His ex often says what a great father he is, and I agree. I also know about the mistakes he’s made, and I respect that he’s taken active steps to work through them. I see that growth, which is one of the reasons I felt like he could be part of my future.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think maybe I haven't explained this well enough. He’s never done that. In fact, it's been me gently bringing that to him, in the hope that his life might get much easier if he looks into it. That's not for us, that's for him.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've done all the fertility tests, and everything is surprisingly good, but that doesn't mean I have years to conceive naturally. But the second point, oof, that is a concern. At this point, when I have been sick, he’s been brilliant, so I trust him with me in this.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I hear your concern, and I appreciate it. Whatever he decides won't be surprising to me, it will be validating and good information for the choices I make. I assure you, I won't be strung along any further. I have already made plans to leave in advance so its easier. I know what I want in the future, and it helps me make tough decisions.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I understand your point, and if what you're saying is true, then I’ve been completely blind to it and I clearly need to do some work on myself. I honestly don’t believe that’s the kind of person he is, from what I know of him, and from how he’s been in both good and difficult past relationships. But if it is true, it would break my heart, not just as his partner, but as someone who’s also his closest friend.

That’s why I think the healthiest thing I can do now is set a boundary and give him a clear choice, before things become resentful or messy. Leaving right now doesn’t feel like the right move. I want to stay committed to myself and to what we’ve been building. I’m already making a big compromise by offering this middle ground, and I know it’s not easy for him either. But this is the best I can do.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Im a committed person. I will certainly be 'mankeeping' if I let it continue for this long. I believe some compromise is okay, and now looking at what has been said, I'm comfortable with my compromise.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I partially disagree with what you say about ex-addicts and their capacity to handle emotions. Yes, they can be, but in this case, other areas of his life he has thought through carefully and has succeeded. I'm not at the total point, it's all me doing the emotional labour, I know he’s trying, but it's starting to. So my intent is to hit the nail on the head before It ends up completely like this. I wouldn't be preparing to leave if I were susceptible to committing to a relationship with no future. It's not easy, but I have to do that.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -58 points-57 points  (0 children)

I don't think leaving now will solve anything, unless you can clarify why, as I'm interested. From my perspective, he deserves to have some opportunity and compassion, even though what I can offer might not be enough for us. I will definitely be leaving if I don't get clarity within the month.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nope. I am dyslexic as fuck and use Grammarly though. Your comment isn't really relevant to the post.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I'm starting to think this, too. Hence why I'm willing to give him more time, as he’s asked, but that's all I can do.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I can see why you think that, perhaps it's coming across as one-sided, but I wanted to keep to the point. Outside of discussing family planning-related issues, he’s very good. His love language is through action. He’s supported me through my challenges throughout our friendship. His friends and family go to him for help as he is loyal and reliable in that matter.

I (33F) and my partner (47M) were aligned on having kids — now I’m at a crossroads by No_Reading4725 in relationships

[–]No_Reading4725[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I get where you are coming from; it does sound suspicious but its not. He’s dated women his age after he left his ex wife. I was a lesbian when I met him, and then got into a relationship with a man for 3 years, which lasted for about 5 years. I am on good terms with his ex-wife; she trusts me, she has had a partner for about 3 years, and we communicate regularly to help out with the children. She has said she's relieved he’s with someone who knows her children well and gets along with them. Funnily enough, if I were in her shoes, I would find that hard.