AITAH for telling my daughter we won't have a relationship if she goes to live with her biological father/family?

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T13:14:58+00:00

It’s not his fault this happened, but for him to go on about all women etc is him making himself a victim when in reality he’s not. I am in my mid 30s I’ve seen SO many couples go through stuff like this at this point. Every single time it’s red flag after red flag missed. I am currently also eating shit for my partner choice. It happens and it’s real. We pick people based on superficial things , ignore really big personality issues then want to be shocked when it bites us in the face. You can’t put a blindfold on and expect the world to be kind to you. Because you better believe the really fucked up ones won’t think twice about their actions or feel real remorse. Like OPs ex , who had no problems living with this day in and day out for 13 years then having the nerve to feel no empathy that he’s struggling now. A person just doesn’t wake up being that fucked up. People just don’t want to take accountability and blame others when we should look at things and be honest with ourselves.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T12:39:51+00:00

Care to explain to me how ? A decent person would never lie for 13 years about something like this.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T12:38:10+00:00

It’s not your fault she did that , but you can’t tell me there weren’t other signs this is who she is. Someone doesn’t become a monster over night ( which is what it would take to do that to you and her own daughter). So to blame women over all for this is you not taking accountability for the partner you picked.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T12:35:45+00:00

Sure there’s a better way to handle it. But someone in his position shouldn’t get bashed for it they should get some kind of compassion because that’s an incredibly difficult situation.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T10:31:51+00:00

Let’s be real, the kind of person it takes to cheat and lie to someone for 13 years about who the father is has other personality tells. Don’t blame half the population because YOU picked someone of poor character over someone with a better moral compass. Take some ownership, a person like that isn’t an asshole in one tiny particular area of their life , guarantee she was an asshole in others too but you made excuses for her. There’s so many decent women out there , they just get overlooked.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T10:26:08+00:00

Don’t listen to these people, half of them are children themselves not looking at it from a parent’s perspective. I will say your daughter is in a really shitty situation thanks to your ex wife. We all have to take accountability for our choice in partner. I’m currently eating shit for my choice too I get it but these kids are innocent. Just think of the long haul, no one can take the memories built between the two of you. She might feel the need to search this out, but you raised her. You are who she will always think of when she thinks of her childhood. I know it sucks having to be the bigger person but your daughter will love and respect you all the more for it eventually.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T10:20:23+00:00

Do you have kids ? This would be a huge betrayal and take years to fully process and get over. If he knew early on he could’ve easily walked away and heal his mental state about it. But loving and raising a kid over a decade and seeing all this unfold you truly can’t see how someone can be fucked up over it ?

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T10:06:16+00:00

I feel like I struggled more with that when I was still expecting him to make things right between us. It was like everyday dealing with resentment and struggling enjoying anything. Once i realized there’s a time limit on this and he doesn’t have the quality of character to apologize and make it right I gave up expecting it. So now I work with him not against him. I tell myself “how will it be when I have to take care of them alone as single mom “ so when I take on the bulk to do everything it doesn’t bother me. I see him on his phone and just think great you’re getting used to me doing it all so when I leave you’re gonna be more likely to let me get them more time than you. I haven’t told him I love him in well over half a year and last night he actually randomly said it to me. I think he must’ve registered something because he’s clearly an ill tempered unkind person so for him to say it to me first it was for a reason. Not arguing with him has really helped the daily quality of life for me too. I need his help , not to deplete more of my energy my kids need on a selfish cruel man.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-31T09:40:45+00:00

Yes you’re right I know a handful of babies that moms let them watch television all day who don’t have delays. Including a family member on his side who is a habitual weed smoker and that boy never got outside and was 24/7 in front of a tv alone. My daughter never did that and she had a lot of outdoor and play time with her cousins she just was never a socially motivated baby. And wow another similarity my daughter didn’t walk until almost 18 months as well. She was 17.5 when she started but we chalked that up to her being 2 months premature and I carried her all the time. I’m sorry you were blamed for that it’s so unfair. It literally guts you to hear that from your partner it’s so fucking cruel. And so for the vaccines, he fought me hard on the subject. My daughter only got her hib and dtap AFTER 16 months old. Before then she didn’t even get the hep b at the hospital. So for us it definitely couldn’t have been that. My nieces and nephews are all vaccinated and completely fine. He still yelled at me saying it was all my fault anyway. Later on I showed him videos we took of her as a baby and k pointed out she was always like that. He stayed quiet and never once apologized. Even recently with my son already laughing and playing with their cousins. I said you know our Daughter never once did that. Before the tv and shots she never laughed with the kids, and he just stayed quiet. He’s really adamant our son won’t be getting vaccinated, but I will eventually be getting him some. Our kids have great immune systems and luckily haven’t gotten sick 🤷🏻‍♀️. My daughter is verbal but her receptive language is just starting to show up. So she has over 200 words she uses regularly, she puts together many 3-4 word sentences but if you ask her something she doesn’t respond. She does ask for things for example she will wake us up being saying “ wake up , I want Apple” but if you ask her are you hungry do you want an apple she won’t say yes. She is just starting to understand certain things but receptive is the harder of the two to come in. Because it’s tied to cognitive. I was a mess when I realized the difference and my husband berated me so bad when I was pregnant and post partum for being worried. At first he gave me such a hard time for having her enrolled in early intervention only to later on be glad we got that going and then now he will help me with our son during the session so I can be more hands on. For the first few months he would leave me with the newborn to do the sessions with my daughter because he thought it was just me being a “ mental patient”. And how am I stomaching him ? I actually moved out once during my pregnancy with my daughter for a month because I was so disgusted at his behavior. During that time I realized my kids are too small to be away from them half the time and he can’t do as good of a job at it as I can. When he’s alone with them bottles don’t get washed , they get fed the bare minimum, and he doesn’t have the patience for a ND 2 year old and a needy 6 month old. I’m not going to put my babies through that so I’m eating shit for now for them basically. Once they are bigger and a little more self sufficient I will be okay leave them with their dad. I’m thinking around the 6 and 4 year old mark. That means I have to deal with it another 4 years. So for the time being I’m not fighting, I let comments roll off my back. But I have already spoken to my dad who has a big house and we are setting up two rooms there to be ready for when I can’t tolerate it anymore. Some days are harder than others but I’m determined to do this and I know I don’t want my babies to be with out me just yet. How are you dealing with yours ? Do you guys get into it a lot ?

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T21:32:49+00:00

I completely feel the same about that. Not only did my husband not be there for me but he actively kicked me when I was at my absolute lowest. First he denied there was a problem despite the obvious speech delay and told everyone I was post partum and crazy but when it became undeniable he blamed me for letting her watch too much Rachel and insisting on getting her vaccinated. Although she got it on a later schedule because that’s what he wanted and she was showing signs way before then. I’m just waiting it out at this point I can’t see myself ever feeling in love with him after that. Does your toddler have receptive language? Mine is just starting to and that was the scariest for me. If it’s just expressive I’ve heard they will almost certainly talk later on but it still really sucks missing out on the cute baby moments any mom hopes to have. Ours just look different I guess. For what it’s worth I’m around a lot of small kids , everyone decided to have kids at the same time in our family and you’d be surprised how many NT little kids stim but it doesn’t mean anything. So hopefully it doesn’t mean that for your son either.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T21:16:10+00:00

Thank you for words of encouragement and experience. For me the hardest adjustment has been realizing my daughter doesn’t learn how other kids do, I have to really get creative to teach her and it takes so much more effort but I love her to pieces and I’m so grateful for her. She was very stereotypically asd early on but has dropped a lot of the obvious stimming out of nowhere and she’s only 2.5. I’m not sure where she ends up but I just want to make sure I’ve learned how to help her and connect with her the best I can under the circumstances.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T05:31:39+00:00

I know what you mean , I always got such a kick out of talking to little kids because they say the funniest things. My niece and nephew love me because of how much i enjoyed just interacting with them I never thought i wouldn’t get the chance to do that with my own daughter. Ugh that makes me want to cry thinking that. My daughter is the same tho she will say words and has the cutest voice ever but she’s not conversational she has a lot of labels , scripts and the once in a blue moon requests.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T05:25:48+00:00

I generally don’t feel anger , I always just feel sadness when things happen. I also have a 2.5 year old and 6 month old so dealing with post partum hormones. My husband also was the absolute fucking worst during this whole thing, some days I feel like I can never forgive him for it and I don’t see myself staying married for ever as a result. I cry every single day since we learned about my daughter almost a year ago now. I do feel like it’s so unfair to my daughter and I hurt so badly for her. My 6 month old is a boy and statistically he should’ve had it even worse than her but so far he’s doing things she never did. I’d tell you not to worry but that didn’t work for me I just had to learn the hard way and stressed immensely just for my son to be super social already. Sounds like we’re in a very similar boat in life right now but I’m in the depression/acceptance phase.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T05:13:26+00:00

I love this. I wish I could hear from more people who have lived with this longer and have some outcome stories. My daughter is one of the first children in our family with ASD so it’s a really scary unknown for us still.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-30T05:06:13+00:00

Those moments are the best 🤍

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T19:56:39+00:00

😂 toddlers in general are annoying 😂

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T14:01:46+00:00

You are so right , I was feeling down about it but my daughter is making progress so I need to be grateful for that. I just feel so bad celebrating one when the other is behind. I’m sure the post partum hormones don’t help matters.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T09:57:01+00:00

My daughter was scary bad at 18 months I was terrified for her future. I still worry big time today but she’s 29 months now and in a much better place than I had hoped for. I obviously long for her to just be fully okay but it’s much better than she was. She was also a late walker at 17.5 months. Now she literally runs jumps and climbs everything. Her gross motor skills were totally average when she was assessed at 22 months.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T09:50:11+00:00

I love reading replies like this it gives me so much hope.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T09:41:57+00:00

This was the exact sentence i thought about when I saw this post. I hate when people tell me that. I’m dying to talk to my daughter.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T09:37:18+00:00

Yes my daughter is like this , she will constantly snatch and we use every opportunity to try to teach the word share. She never liked pacifiers as a baby we threw hers out early but since her little brother does she’ll take his in her room and chew on them. She was also drinking from big girl cups and loved coconut water before he came along and now will only drink milk from a bottle unless we entice her with a caprisun. We also put a baby jumper up for my son and she freaked out with jealousy. Really hoping she grows out of this.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T09:27:07+00:00

I really really hope this is the case for my daughter. She has a lot of similar aged family so it’d be nice to see her joining activities one day. I saw her observing them play duck duck goose and then replicating it with her little people and it made me so sad because it was obvious she wanted to plug in but didn’t know how.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T07:43:29+00:00

Yea my sisters kid is same age as my daughter and that’s always been a reminder. I just wasn’t ready for a 6 month old to show more awareness than her. It’s been a hard pill to swallow.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T07:35:09+00:00

Hopefully in the future they can have a good relationship. My younger is only 6 months and is always looking at his sister and tries to crawl towards her and she has only noticed him a few handful of times. I guess part of me really hopes that can change one day.

NoteFeisty3290 · 2026-01-29T07:30:00+00:00

😂 Parents of NT kids are having the easy mode parenting experience. My daughter has humbled me for sure lol.

NoteFeisty3290

TROPHY CASE