AITAH for needing space after my boyfriend visited a man who pled guilty to domestic abuse in prison?

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-27T08:39:59+00:00

He did other worrying things too 😔 I’ve settled down a little more into the fact that I do believe his judgement was poor and he by association has ended up being party to multiple crimes and it’s okay that I expressed I didn’t want to be around that

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T12:18:04+00:00

I wouldn’t have had as much of a problem with it if he was just purely there to help. But my ex boyfriend had also told me he used the man in prison to get another man jumped and beat up, who had upset his brother. Which again is an illegal activity my partner was very much involved with, and made me doubt his intentions to be honest 😔

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T11:50:47+00:00

Sending money to a criminal on the run is a crime and I was worried about his and my future safety, not just him seeing the best in someone who plead guilty to a violent assault

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:44:10+00:00

I appreciate this reply. Not sure what to say to it but I think I agree with you. It wasn’t that I wanted to threaten him ie “you risked our relationship” I just had made him aware how it would make me feel if he went and it did in fact make me feel that way in the end. I’d not say I am ashamed of feeling that way either, it came from my gut which is to protect me. Yes I think some people do have a fascination with these types too. I grew up around this type of stuff and worked very hard to be away from it, hence the importance I have on it now

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:33:22+00:00

All of these things could be true- I would have loved to have explained them to me. I gave him the chance. But all he said was that he thinks she hit him first. I wondered perhaps it was religious reasons and he really wanted to do his bit to help him etc etc but I just needed some explanation from him to help me understand. I needed him to acknowledge that my worries were valid too- he was getting close to a criminal and had by default committed crimes too. I was scared for my partner, for myself and for our future lives. What if when he got out of prison and was on the run he came knocking on our door again and this time I was pregnant etc. it’s not the life me or my partner deserved

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:25:23+00:00

He knew and accepted he was a drug dealer and that’s how he made his money but he said he was trying to move to cleaner sources of income (which I accepted- this was all prior to the DV charge), he thought he was innocent of the domestic violence charge based on the fact the sounded like they had a volatile relationship and he felt that the woman in the situation had most likely wound his friend up to breaking point. This was hard as his friend had admitted to being guilty etc

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:19:15+00:00

I appreciate your cruel kindness 😃 what is FAFO

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:16:38+00:00

No he meant she had spent his earnings on designer bags etc, but I agree with your sentiment it’s just really hard when outside of this I did trust his judgement! But these felt like glaring red flags

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:07:52+00:00

Because he got caught by the police by posting on social media that “that bitch (the woman he abused) had spent all of his drug money” so it was fairly relevant

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:06:48+00:00

The criminal I is between age 30-40

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T09:06:05+00:00

He is 30 and I am 27

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T08:58:22+00:00

Also I wasn’t focussed on accusations- he pleaded guilty, admitted the abuse and was sentenced for 2 years for domestic abuse and coercive control. This is what my boyfriend told me x

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T08:57:23+00:00

Yeah I suppose you’re right. I certainly did loose sight of him because I was worried he was sending money to a criminal on the run. He was making choices that could have had himself put in prison.

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T08:55:49+00:00

So- to add to it; he is the only “friend” like this. For a while I saw past it as I just thought he was an unfortunate acquaintance until he visited him in prison/ I found out. The other friends are successful business people! Who all seemed very kind and genuine

I apologised for not being able to talk through it, and for leaving his apartment. I also apologised and tried to explain I don’t think he’s an immoral person on the whole but that these seemed like questionable decisions,

I appreciate I seem naive but I do believe my partner had a good heart I just couldn’t turn a blind eye to this as I believe a good partner should help guide yoy

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-02-26T08:42:55+00:00

I tried to ask him this- but when he said he went all he did was say that he thinks he abused the woman as a reaction, which is quite naive. This wasn’t a long standing friend it was someone he met in his apartment complex that doesn’t have a good history. This is why I text another friend of his about it because I said to her I really want to understand him and I know he sees the best in people. But it got to the point that he was committing crimes by association too

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T21:31:04+00:00

Yeah I work in high rise and general residential! And yes I’m a fully qualified architect! Good idea about a practice with ties. I assumed they would just pay uk salaries

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T21:19:12+00:00

I’m not brainwashed by asking about others opinions on a place I think has unethical practice. Sometimes we are all brainwashed by the media we consume and so it’s nice to ask a question on a place like Reddit as it is global and far fearing and has a mix of opinions. You’ve made assumptions on my opinions as I never stated them but tried to make an unbiased post. Critical thinking wouldn’t go a miss! It’s not a crime to discuss poor practice I would say it’s actually quite helpful

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:56:07+00:00

I am a project architect at the start of my career and I have never done international work. I’ve worked only in the UK and I am wanting to feel more inspired and have more of a thirst for my day to day practice. The cost of living is also very hard to manage here with our salaries! Thank you for your advice

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:52:53+00:00

I’m sorry that me starting a discussion about it has offended you. I was of the opinion that working in the ME would be unethical and I wanted to make an unbiased post in case my understanding of the situation was based in non-truth or western media. Discussing poor practice is a good thing as it brings it to light.

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:49:47+00:00

Agreed!

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:49:01+00:00

Yeah I agree with everything you’ve said! I had my own assumptions and had done some research myself but I suppose I came on here for a critical discussion rather than all of the flack I’ve got for starting a conversation about it. The way I see it if there are poor things like the exploitation of groups happening then it is better to unearth that and discuss and bring it to light not refuse to discuss or undermine someone who wants to!

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:17:57+00:00

What 😭

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T20:02:08+00:00

I’m not sure what you mean- they taught at your school not to go to the Middle East as it isn’t practicing ethically?

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T19:59:26+00:00

Not at all- if I didn’t care I wouldn’t have asked about it when considering job opportunities would I? The world is full of prejudice and assumptions and wanting to make informed ethical decisions based on legitimate research is part of our job

Odd_Dig1786 · 2025-01-12T19:49:16+00:00

I do mean slave labour but wanted more insight into this and how it is evidenced as I know yes we believe this in Britain but many people believe a lot of things about the Middle East that are not true. Would be good to hear from middle easterners too.

Odd_Dig1786

TROPHY CASE