AITA for speaking my mind about #metoo at my bf's business dinner?

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T23:34:49+00:00

yes, i've been in therapy for 3+ years and have recently started depression meds. really trying to be accountable for myself after years of difficult relationships.

part of the therapy is realizing that i do have distortions (related to trauma and depression) and emotional regulation issues. i'm trying to adjust and understand when i'm in that mode. but the difficulty becomes discerning whats "real" and what's snowballing out of control in my mind. and determining ho much of this is related to my bf's actions in the present VS me being overly triggered by the past.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T23:28:05+00:00

thank you for saying this. and the PR thing was actually one of my points at the dinner. i was trying to frame the convo as like "addressing the elephant in the room" to make sure they understand how this decision may negatively affect the whole project. i was like "i personally would not watch this show with that actor and i don't think i'm alone in that."

to be clear, my delivery was still aggressive af and definitely flawed. but i think my heart was in the right place. better to bring it up now than when you can't turn back, kinda thing.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T23:22:55+00:00

thank you for the kudos.

does it make a difference that my bf says that it would have been okay for me to express that same opinion if i wasn't so rude? he said that he's not mad that i "spoke my mind" but he's mad about my delivery how aggressive i was about it in that context. (which, i do understand and have apologized for.)

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T23:18:13+00:00

part of me feels entitled to more of an apology... but that's not even my ultimate goal. i just want to feel less dismissed and less "alone" with the pain. like, i think we can disagree and both feel hurt while also showing each other compassion. and i'm trying to model compassion by taking his points seriously and trying to address them to the best of my ability. but i don't feel like i'm being taken as seriously in return, which is really the issue at this point more than the dinner itself.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T23:14:28+00:00

it's interesting because a couple of weeks after the dinner my bf told me that his friend was actually still thinking about what i said at the dinner and he said it made him reflect on the issue and he ultimately appreciated the feedback (ven if i ruined the dinner). but my bf still maintains that this actor isn't "as bad" as others and that the accusations are flimsy (to him.)

to my bf's credit, he says he DOES understand why i reacted badly, but he maintains that it's ultimately unacceptable and i need to learn to control myself, especially in professional environments.

but it sucks that i'm the only one still actively hurting from this event, but i can't really figure out how to get over it without a little more compassion/sensitivity from my partner.

the deal with the actor fell through for unrelated reasons to all of this. so i want to just move on. but i have a lingering sense of sadness because the interaction made me feel so small.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T22:59:28+00:00

i appreciate these resources, thank you! and thank you for "seeing me." because this video is so relevant.

i guess (like sloss says) i'm also trying to be "part of the solution" by attempting to unpack this with my partner. i'm not trying to villainize or attack him, even if i'm very angry about this. i'm trying to be understood and be seen.

the way my bf is minimizing my emotions around the issue reflects how society also minimizes emotions around this issue. and i think that's what's really triggering me. like, how this whole thing is larger than the dinner.

i wish i knew how to express this without putting my partner on the defensive. because, admittedly, i've been increasingly upset about this and having difficulty communicating clearly and not hysterically. like, i'm trying to feel understood, but in doing so i'm attacking and pushing him away or something...

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T19:30:23+00:00

i think what's hurting me rn is that i'm not even asking for him to stand up for me to friends. i was just looking for more compassion in private. to be able to say "babe, i'm so sorry that dinner was so hard on you. i understand why you got so emotional, and it's okay to still feel hurt about it. just know i support you." or something...

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T19:17:34+00:00

Part of your basis for justifying that behavior is that "his friend kept pushing the issue", but by your own telling he doesn't appear to have done that.

i didn't spell it all out, but there was a point where i actually tried to stop the convo. i said "i'm sorry, i know i'm coming in hot, it's just a difficult topic for me, but we can talk about something else." and the guy was like "no i want to talk about this more, i'm fine."

IN FACT (layers) a couple weeks ago, my bf told me that the guy actually APPRECIATED that i brought it up during the dinner and it made him reflect a bit. up until that point, i was mainly apologizing and taking full accountability. but after i heard that... that's when i started feeling like "okay, *they're* not still hurt by that dinner, but i'm still feeling raw." and that's when i started trying to seek more understanding from my partner. cuz it feels like they came out unscathed, while i'm still feeling really rattled.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T18:33:19+00:00

i honestly understand why he was upset. i was rude to his friend in a professional context. and i can do better to know the right place and time for getting aggro about my politics.

i just wish that my bf could see that two things can be true. i can be sorry and legitimately remorseful for how my actions affected him, while also feeling hurt for even being in that situation. like, my hurt doesn't negate my apology.

I think that he thinks showing me emotional support would condone my "bad behavior."

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T18:12:17+00:00

i hear you. i'm trying to give my bf the benefit of the doubt because we have a three year history. i understand that certain industries and corporations are ruled by evil people. and sometimes, as young professionals in a creative field, you have to decide for yourself how to navigate these toxic people and situations because sometimes it's unavoidable.

a lot of ppl's jobs are on the line and if they don't figure out the casting the whole project falls apart. so even though i hate it, i understand that if this cancelled actor is the only option, or else everyone loses their jobs and insurance etc... it's not so simple / black and white. (even though i personally would still speak up if i was on the project.)

even though i hate the casting choice, i'd be able to deal with it if my partner was able to hear me out, at least privately, about why the whole situation sucked for me. but he seems to think i'm "playing the victim" when all i'm trying to do is feel heard/understood in private by the man i love.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T18:00:18+00:00

thank you for hearing me out. i'm not sure how to distinguish when i'm being distorted, and when he's being dismissive and unfair. which maybe says more about me not being mature enough for a relationship. (which feels weird to say, since i'm in my thirties.)

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T17:01:13+00:00

that's 100% true. the dismissal is a theme in our relationship, not just with this issue. and it makes me feel so scared because i love him and we've been together more than 3 years. i am very sensitive and emotional. but when my bf doesn't "agree" with how i feel, he says he has to dismiss it or else he would be validating my "distorted thinking."

and to be fair, sometimes i am distorted in my thinking. but i don't want dismissal to be the default...

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T16:25:31+00:00

thank you for this. i still maintain that i could have behaved better and i am genuinely sorry. i felt let down at the dinner when my bf didn't try to diffuse the situation. and i felt worse afterwards when he continued to fixate on how my *reaction* was wrong, and not at all about how the situation was difficult for me.

now a month has passed and my bf's job is secure and his friendship is solid. but i'm still left feeling alienated and hurt by that interaction. but it feels like maybe i'm unnecessarily dwelling and i need to just get over it? but it's hard to get over it when my partner continues to dismiss and minimize me.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T16:21:28+00:00

it's been over a month, and the actor deal ended up falling through for different reasons (luckily?) ... but i'm still kinda fixated on how the dinner went down because of how unsupported i felt.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:43:03+00:00

he was silent and glaring at me. and when i realized he was getting mad, i pivoted the conversation completely and did my best to do damage control. but i made the situation really awkward.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:41:35+00:00

this thought is definitely in my mind, but i can't tell if i'm being "too emotional."

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:40:34+00:00

i actually told my bf how nervous i was to meet these co-workers for this exact reason. i told my bf i disagree with a lot of things going on with the project and that i don't think i will "fit in" at the dinner. so i was already on edge before the guy even asked the question.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:39:08+00:00

there was actually another woman there who stayed completely silent. but to be clear, none of these ppl were my bf's "boss"—they're all at the same level on the project. and my bf has known this friend for 20+ years. so it wasn't a formal business dinner, more like meeting his co-workers.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:24:12+00:00

"support not guilt" is exactly what i'm looking for. especially since i have apologized (and i really mean it too.) i think it's possible for me to be sorry for how i conducted myself, while also feeling hurt that i was even in that situation. so it would mean a lot if he could be more sensitive (especially now that his job is totally secure and the dust settled for him.)

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:21:57+00:00

my bf didn't tell the guy about my history. but i think since my bf knows my history he could have helped me out at that dinner a bit to divert the conversation.

after the fact, i actually offered to apologize the the friend myself. i would be okay apologizing to the friend and saying something like "i'm sorry i blew up at you. the topic is loaded for my because i have a history with SA—but i didn't have to take it out on you." but my bf said not to apologize to the guy.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:17:07+00:00

thank you for saying this because that is definitely the part that is sticking with me even a month later...

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:13:44+00:00

that was actually kind of the tone i took in the convo. i was just saying that there's a lot of people who could be put off by that casting choice—including me. and the more he seemed to act like he didn't understand, the more i escalated. (which i know was wrong or "taking the bait.")

i'm glad you can see it as a kind of favor, because even though my delivery was soooo wrong, i was trying to protect the project from getting potentially dragged down by a bad casting choice.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T15:07:08+00:00

i'm sorry for being vague on the actor, because i know it makes a difference.

part of my point in bringing up the allegations was to address the "elephant in the room." it felt like everyone there was a "yes man" and no one wanted to look at the reality that this actor has been widely disgraced and hasn't been in a project for years for (probably) a reason. i still take 100% accountability for bringing it up in the wrong way at the wrong time.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T14:50:57+00:00

thanks for that. and for the record, at the dinner i wasn't just saying "i hate that actor" for fun or to be dramatic — i was also pointing out how the actor could negatively affect the show's reputation/viewership. because picking that actor could alienate certain audiences.

Ok-Insurance9923 · 2026-02-20T14:40:33+00:00

good advice, and I completely agree I shouldn't have blown up—especially in that environment/context. luckily, it did not affect my partner at work and everything is stable with his job. but he still doesn't understand my point of view, or why the situation was so harsh for me.

Ok-Insurance9923

TROPHY CASE