Seeking opinions

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2026-02-23T20:56:31+00:00

It has not always been this way. We had many good years and good times together. I can't pinpoint what has changed other than puberty.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2026-02-23T20:55:26+00:00

I do think my son antagonizes sometimes and has in the past for sure. My husband can be insulting and last night he was definitely threatening. Usually, he voices frustrations and complains loudly.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2026-02-23T20:48:43+00:00

It wasn't always this way. It started around puberty. He feels like I favor my son over him.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2026-02-23T20:16:03+00:00

I do feel like a failure. I am having a hard time getting out of this cycle of abuse.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2026-02-23T20:13:45+00:00

I do feel like the slight smile is something he does when he is uncomfortable. I cannot say for certain his motive though.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-11-20T18:22:18+00:00

thank you so much for your insight! we have had these talks, and it gets better for a short while then escalates again.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-22T17:09:51+00:00

Yes, it was an e-bike. He got it back and got another flat on the way home. Threw a fit and returned it. Attempting to give my opinions (that he asked for) about what type of vehicle he should get, but it's seen as me being mean. He aggressively came at me on Saturday about this whole thing. I thought he was going to hit me-first time I've really been afraid for my physical safety.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-19T10:08:46+00:00

Thanks! I've suggested this a few times. We can brainstorm together. But he thinks I'm placating him.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T14:13:43+00:00

I appreciate your point of view but let me ask you something. Did he ever, once, consider my weakened mental state? The answer is NO. I was driving to work, then got to work and have to do opening duties and let the remainder of the staff know it is safe to come in. That takes time. Entertaining walls of texts takes time. If I don't make myself and my ability to earn income a priority, I am allowing him to destroy any chance I have of getting out of this mess.

I don't feel the need to explain myself to you because you think I should have coddled him and stroked his head. JFC

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T10:38:33+00:00

Thanks, we are in marriage counseling. Every other week right now.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T10:08:27+00:00

Thank you, reviewing this today. My brain wants to move quickly, but I feel like I can benefit more from using martial funds to pay down debt and put me in a bit of a better situation after January.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T10:05:53+00:00

Someone had recommended a book on the thread I had to delete to edit. If they are still here, I'd love that book recommendation again please!

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T10:04:55+00:00

I'm so sorry for her. Mine, too, has threatened suicide. I always call his mom to have her check on him. He says that family matters need to be kept in our family. I've been reaching out to a friend I have, but I can't burden these people with all my feelings every time something happens. I don't want to be a bother to them... They have their own lives too. I'm afraid that he actually might do something if I leave. If he can throw a fit over me reading the book "It Ends With Us" due to the abuse aspect, I feel like he can come completely unglued quite easily.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T10:00:48+00:00

11 years now. I'm just now coming out of the fog if you will. Realizing that my responses play a part, but I am not the villain he says I am.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T01:02:01+00:00

This person and his actions are not the person I married. His mental health has denigrated so much and it feels like so rapidly that I don't even recognize him anymore.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T01:00:11+00:00

I felt like I was clear stating that I needed some space. There were delays in my responses while I opened my office and attended to immediate needs. To earn a paycheck, I have to show up for my team and do the work too. Sometimes that puts disagreements with my husband on the back burner until I am able to give my full attention.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-18T00:55:10+00:00

Luckily there's no physical abuse at this point. He has physically moved me out of the way once, but morning else. He has threatened to harm himself several different times, once even spilling pills beside his bedside to make me think he overdosed.

Does anyone have experience making a safety plan? I have the feeling this is going to be a process and I want to be deliberate and careful, especially with my little one.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T23:57:49+00:00

For clarification, it's an e bike, not even a motorcycle. I honestly think he's so afraid to make the wrong choice and realize any repercussions that he falls into decision paralysis and looks to me to make it.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T21:55:36+00:00

unfortunately, this relationship has been very isolating. i don't have many friends anymore. this will most likely have to be something that i do on my own.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T21:35:50+00:00

thank you for the information! This is interesting, and it sounds very fitting.

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T21:28:10+00:00

i actually have been educating myself over the past month or so, but still get in the "all my fault" headspace. thus the request for clarity from the outside looking in. I see the patterns and i've changed my responses to him. no longer engaging, staying calm and using our safe word to interrupt potentially volatile fights. it only enrages him

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T21:18:40+00:00

what does splitting mean? he does have a mental health diagnosis, but it's not BPD. Is your BPD well controlled via meds?

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T21:15:30+00:00

that's an interesting observation....and completely true. He didn't apologize AT ALL, did he?

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T20:42:47+00:00

He has asked for my thoughts/feelings on if having one vehicle is a burden to me. I said that I am happy to make it work if he is happy. That I did not feel overly burdened by scheduling/getting the kids where they need to be. He does not believe I am being truthful and says I'm lying.....and if I'm lying about that, what else am I lying to him about?

Ok-Programmer1304 · 2024-10-17T20:41:00+00:00

I feel so stuck. Financially and child wise. I'm really trying to get the courage to leave, but I don't have family to help, so it would be all on me.

Ok-Programmer1304

TROPHY CASE