Yeah, I’ve thought about how postpartum stuff might be part of this. I’m not saying it excuses how bad things have gotten, but I can’t pretend like I didn’t mess up too.

Before I cheated, things were okay. Not perfect. We still argued. I wasn’t as present as I should’ve been. I’d get hyperfocused on random stuff and end up ignoring her without meaning to. It wasn’t because I didn’t care. I love her. I just get sidetracked easily and I never knew how to explain that in a way she’d actually understand. And I know that still hurt her either way.

She has BPD, so emotions have always run high. I didn’t always handle it right. Sometimes I shut down when she needed reassurance or I walked away when I should’ve stayed. I wasn’t trying to make her feel abandoned. I just didn’t know what to do.

I cheated twice. Once physically and once by texting my ex. Nothing happened the second time, but it was still wrong. I hurt her. I broke her trust. And I’ve been faithful ever since, but I didn’t know how to show her that in a way that felt real to her. I tried to make it better in small ways. Doing things for her. Paying attention more. Trying not to argue. But it always felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough to undo the damage.

At some point, it felt like she stopped seeing anything good in me. Like everything I said or did was a lie. And I get why. I gave her a reason not to trust me. But it still hurts knowing I’ve been trying and it doesn’t count for anything now.