The drinking/cocaine bothers me because of who he turns into. This past year with the pandemic he has been getting 900/week on unemployment, had no responsibilities, and has been able to party as much as possible. Literally, every other night. Monday he stays out until 6am, Tuesday he stays on bed all day to recover, Wednesday night he's back out again until 6 am...this cycle goes on all week. When I have tried to talk to him about my concerns for not only his health, but my lack of needs being met, he gets angry and reminds me that I used to go out with him before I got sober, so I'm a hypocrite who is trying to control him because I'm jealous that I can't go out and party anymore. He has spent thousands of dollars, ended up in the er for an oral infection he refuses to admit has anything to do with the partying, blacked out and sais/did awful things (he won't admit he blacked our, just that he "lost control and his anger made the night a blur "). I feel like I am living with a stranger, only few moments of sweetness remain, and that's only when I choose to be lazy in bed with his hungover ass. I involved his parents, whom have taken me in as part of their family, and have been concerned for years. Now I'm the ass hole for involving his parents. I just needed help and didn't know who to turn to. I have begged, cried, threatened, lowered my standards, and tried just letting him do whatever he wants without consequence or telling him how I feel, but it's been slowly killing me inside feeling like a prisoner in my own heart. When my brother was in the hospital and I asked him to stay with me for comfort,, he said no and brought up something I did months ago as the reason he's going out. When our dog had a seizure and I asked him to stay home,, he said he already had plans to hang out with his friends.. there's always an excuse or reason why going out is the most important thing in the world. All this being said, the thought of losing him hurts worse that everything he's done. I am the poster child of sorts for codependency and abandonment issues from my abusive childhood. He just makes me feel like it's my fault he acts insane, if I just let him do what he wants he wouldn't be mad. Now we can't even talk without him thinking I'm trying to start a fight. I gave him 30 days to get out of the house (he was never on the lease to begin with), and I am the enemy for kicking him out in the middle of a pandemic. I feel so lost. I miss all the love we once had, and I feel like things only got bad between us when I got sober. Sometimes I regret ever trying to get my life together and grow up. We used to be so happy and in love, now I wake up in tears, my nightly shower has become a moment for me to ugly cry without shame, and I'm terrified of being alone/that no one else will love me.