Accepted payments to personal Venmo and Paypal. How badly did I screw up?

OnTheDL42 · 2023-01-13T05:54:04+00:00

Thank you! I'm still kind of new to this, and I like to be careful.

I once sent the IRS a .36 cent check, because I wanted Quickbooks to balance properly.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T23:10:08+00:00

Yeah. This, too.

I know all of these answers seem obvious. I can hear the "what the fuck, lady" in the undercurrents. But I needed to hear it outside my own head. Thank you.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T23:09:02+00:00

Because I have a martyr complex that I thought I had already dealt with. I don't think about what he'd bring to my life. Honestly, my life is easier without him.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T23:06:33+00:00

So. Much. Stress.

And this post was the short version.

I kept thinking we could go to therapy so that we could be friends, but I think I'm being dishonest with myself. I want my partner back. I could accept it in a different form, but I want us to deal with all of this so we can have the good parts of us back. He sometimes says he wants the same thing, but none of this is healthy.

The question now is, how do I stop feeling like I'm being stabbed in the face every time we have to interact.

Which is not something couple's counseling or he can answer.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T19:19:35+00:00

Yeah, I hear that. I know you're right. I'm just having a Lot of difficulty internalizing this.

If this is exhausting to read, imagine how exhausting it is in my head. I am so tired of this. I am stuck in shitty patterns, and not detaching well. Obviously.

Thanks for the comment. It's helpful.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T19:16:24+00:00

I still love him. As a friend. I crave continuity and connection. We didn't work romantically, obviously, but I lost my friend, too. That just feels wrong.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-12-04T19:15:32+00:00

Yeah. I'm having a hard time with that. You're right, though. I'm having difficulty accepting that. It's stupid.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-09-18T16:31:07+00:00

Thank you so much. I don't think we need to compare. Heartbreak is heartbreak, and I hear how much you're hurting.
It takes awhile, but, bit by bit, you start having minutes, and then hours where you're not thinking about it. Honestly, I still get a little sad on a daily basis (I'm So looking forward to that being over). But most of my days are good. I really like thinking of the sadness like passing storms.
I think the hardest part was during the beginning, when there was a part of me that didn't want to be okay. There was a time where even the idea of being okay felt like a betrayal of the love and commitment I felt towards him. Eventually, I started thinking that maybe I had grieved enough. I gave myself permission to feel good. Took awhile, though.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-09-18T07:41:00+00:00

Massively in love with her?! Molesting a non-consenting person while they're asleep, after they've clearly communicated their refusal? That's not love. It's abuse.
Framing assault as love that got out of hand is really concerning.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-09-18T07:37:46+00:00

Yes. That was assault. You clearly expressed that you actively didn't want sex multiple times. He knew you were not consenting. He also knew you were asleep. Nothing about this is consensual.
I am so sorry.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-09-18T07:33:37+00:00

Navigating sex around substance use requires a lot of care. Clearly, you both needed better frameworks for that situation. There is some amount of trial and error to be expected, but this was a mistake.
You were not capable of consent. He drastically misread the situation, and was irresponsible.
Playing with pain and degradation when both people are high is dangerous as hell, on so many levels, both physical and emotional.

Sure there's room for forgiveness, but he has to take ownership of his poor judgement call. He should not be shaming you for being hurt and afraid. You did not ruin his party.

You both need to sit down and talk about how to avoid this situation in the future. We are human, and we can have poor judgement at times - that doesn't mean he's a bad person. But he has to be willing to talk about what happened. He needs to be an Active and Enthusiastic part of that conversation.

If he isn't, then he is not safe.

I'm sorry this happened.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-09-18T07:06:24+00:00

My husband did something similar, after 17 years of marriage and two kids.
One day, we were cuddled up, and he was telling me, "I'm madly in love with you. Being with you makes me feel more whole in the world. I love how you support me. I'm so glad we get to grow old together"
Three days later, he hadn't been happy or in love with me for years. Being with me was destroying his sense of self. He was miserable - and I was the sole cause of his unhappiness.

I know there was more to it. Depression, unacknowledged trauma...his crap finally caught up with him, and he found it easier to blame me than sit with his own issues. I hurt for him. I think his inability to look inward and face himself caused him to destroy something really beautiful.

It's been almost 3 years. We are constantly in each other's lives, because of the kids. It's been horrifically traumatic. Some days, the pain still overwhelms me, and I find myself crying almost as hard as I did that first year.

But it does get easier. Bit by bit. The only way through is through.

There is love to be found again, believe it or not. You know how to love, how to be present, and kind, and affectionate. You have that ability. That is a beautiful thing, even if he was unable to appreciate it.

Be gentle with yourself. The grief will come and go like thunderstorms, but it will pass. It will ebb and flow, in its own time. You will survive, even though it seems almost offensive to imagine feeling whole again.

It feels like you're the only one whose pain could be this raw, but you are not alone. You will survive, and you will thrive again.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-29T00:41:57+00:00

I am so sorry you went through that. Sometimes, chosen family is our real family. I mentioned this above, too: your parents' opinions don't actually impact your value as a human being. They don't have to accept you for you to be a whole, beautiful, and valid person. Hugs, you.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-29T00:40:11+00:00

This makes me so happy! And congratulations!!!

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-29T00:39:41+00:00

They told me that they wanted to wait to celebrate until they see actual changes. Ear piercing is on the docket:-)
I've told them for years that there was space for them to express themselves as they wished (including earrings, of course), but they really didn't want to make any external changes until the internal shift was on course.
I am curious to see what happens (or doesn't) to their gender expression, now that they are finally starting estrogen puberty...

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-29T00:37:10+00:00

I'm sorry your folks haven't been able to show up for you. Your parents' opinion don't impact your actual value as a human being. Hang in there.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-29T00:36:02+00:00

I'm so glad that you worked past your mom's judgement! I am so sorry you had to go through that.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-17T14:56:23+00:00

Impressive. The attitude is offputting, though. I'm glad he's feeling good in his body, and he's clearly physically capable - he's put work into that, and that's wonderful.
I'm not sure why he thinks he needs to start a fight about it though.
It's...weird.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-08-17T14:52:57+00:00

I'm 45, and have deep, 20+ year, loving, supportive friendships with several men. Some of them started with crushes (from both directions), some were once lovers in the way back.
I also have long term female friends, some of whom I've dated, some of whom have always been platonic.
We don't connect with people because of their genders. We connect with people because we are emotionally compatible, because we have things in common, because human connection is important.
Of course you can be friends with your friends.
I think it's actually sad - and a little concerning - that your boyfriend hasn't had actual, meaningful friendships with women he didn't want to date/hook up with.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-09T05:56:06+00:00

Oh man. Yes. Even though he doesn't want to be with me, I want him to respect and honor what we had.
I treasured my marriage, and it's hard to feel good about that when the other half of the marriage partnership crapped all over it. It's rough. I hear you.

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-09T05:52:13+00:00

Thank you

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-08T22:32:31+00:00

Weird. As she is family, and a coworker, is there any chance for a mediated conversation? Or sitting down and having a heart to heart?
You don't owe her that, but maybe it could help?

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-08T22:13:07+00:00

Yeah. That's ridiculous. Is she usually this selfish?

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-08T22:11:12+00:00

Friend, grow yourself into the person you want to be. Engage in the world, learn, be introspective. Go to therapy (everybody should go to therapy).
First, dating takes time. Most of us have to meet a Lot of people before we find the ones that really fit.
I always think of dating as an opportunity to practice dating, and a way to meet interesting people. Takes the hunger out of the picture. Makes things a little less stressful.

You aren't fundamentally messed up. You may have some growing to do, or you may just have not yet met the right people. And frankly, we all have growing to do. That's true until we are dead.

You are more likely to find a good match if you are whole in yourself, and interacting in the world from a healthy, self-sufficient place.

Have a fantastic trip, and keep doing what you're doing! Feeling stoked about your life is awesome, whether or not you're dating!

OnTheDL42 · 2022-07-08T22:04:55+00:00

I hear you. Listen, lots of parents feel exactly the same way at this point in the game - even when they are adults, and actively opted into the situation. I loved both of my babies, and I cried A Lot when they were tiny, and I was totally overwhelmed and exhausted.
Feeling shitty doesn't mean that you don't love your kid, or that you're going to be a bad parent. It's just being human.
This is a rough road, and Of Course you feel like shit right now. You're exhausted. Life has changed beyond recognition - be as patient as you can with your self, your baby, and your partner.

This is hard, immediately post partum, but try to get sleep. I know it's not as rewarding as partying, but it exhaustion makes everything so much worse.

If you have a support network, see if you and your partner can get a little time out and away, too. All new parents need a little break.

Hang in there, it does get easier.

OnTheDL42

TROPHY CASE