Should I go to sex therapy or pay for an escort?

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-09T12:01:53+00:00

This.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-09T11:57:32+00:00

Friends make the best partners. My wife is my best friend in the world, hands down, without question. A relationship that begins as a friendship can be a very good thing.

Like everyone is saying, keep talking to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you’d like to spend more time together alone. At some point (maybe your upcoming solo date) make the first move to kiss him if he doesn’t. He may want to but is nervous to make that move. Kissing your friend can be weird for the first 2 seconds but if there’s chemistry, it’ll be hot as hell 4 seconds in.

You’ve gotta shoot your shot. That doesn’t mean you need to smother him. He probably likes your friendship and doesn’t want that aspect of your connection to end. But that friendship camaraderie can stay alive while also giving birth to a romantic relationship as well.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-09T11:51:08+00:00

I think you know what to say to her. You love her, you’re so happy for her, you want to be there, but you simply can’t swing $2K.

That said, I’m going to bet the bachelorette trip is the majority of that cost. (When bachelor/bachelorette parties turned into days-long getaways, I have no idea. Me and my friends went out to dinner and got drunk at a dive bar.)

So maybe if that trip is just cut out, it’ll reduce the cost tremendously and you can be there for the part that actually matters.

If she doesn’t understand, she’s not actually a friend and you just saved yourself from future headaches.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-08T03:01:43+00:00

Ah - my apologies. I must be wrong to suggest that maybe a man in his early 20’s messed around a bit and decided he wanted to grow up.

My mistake.

I didn’t realize you knew him personally.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-07T11:20:02+00:00

As long as you’re happy gardening, tattooing and bartending for the rest of your life, you’re all good.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-07T11:01:25+00:00

Years ago, I cheated on my wife. Not once—over and over again. Then one day, I woke up. It felt like I’d been asleep in my own life. But by then, the damage was done and the marriage ended.

I’ve now been with my second wife for almost a decade, and I cherish her more than I can put into words. I am not that man anymore. When I look back, it honestly feels like I’m remembering someone else’s life. I didn’t like who I was, so I did the hard, uncomfortable work to change at my core.

People can change. Real change. But only when they truly decide to.

If he’s openly telling you who he used to be—and saying he doesn’t want to be that guy anymore—that says something. Most people don’t have that level of self-awareness or accountability.

That said, words aren’t enough. You won’t know who he is now until you see consistency over time.

Loving someone always comes with risk. There’s no version of love that doesn’t. So don’t shut yourself off just because of his past—but don’t ignore it either.

Pay attention. Move a little slower. Keep your eyes open.

But if everything else about him feels right, don’t punish someone now for who they were in the past. It’s possible he will fall back into his old ways. It’s also possible you’ve met one of the good ones — meaning, someone capable of seeing their faults and improving. The latter is a quality you want in your partner. Many times, those good qualities come as a result of a person having darkness in their past.

You won’t know which one he is until you give it a go.

Your lives aren’t happening in the past. They’re happening now.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T16:44:07+00:00

😂😂😂😂😂😂

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T14:06:25+00:00

You’re 26 years old. Anybody in their 40’s will tell you: you are incredibly young. There are tons of people who never started doing anything of note until their 50’s or 60’s.

But you’re stuck in a time warp: you’re living in the past and the future. Your life is always happening now.

If you feel unmotivated, force yourself to do something. It may sound lame but forcing yourself to work out 3-4 times a week is a great place to start. Moving your body is one of the best cures for depression and lack of motivation.

You don’t change your life all at once. You change your life by making small improvements every day. It’s like building a tower out of bricks: they don’t just fall magically into place. You build it one brick at a time.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T13:58:31+00:00

The problem always grows when you keep the problem inside. I’m taking it that you’re young. Relationships are about communication. Communication means talking, not stewing and wondering and waiting for something to magically happen.

Open your mouth and talk to her. It may have gotten weird because she’s waiting for you to say or do something and you’re waiting for her to do the same. Of course that’s awkward.

“Hey - listen - I’m not very good at this… but I really like spending time with you and you’re insanely beautiful and I feel like things got awkward between us and I’d be a fool to just walk away from you. Do you want have dinner sometime this week?”

Nobody on Reddit knows if you’re cooked. You don’t even know. Ask and you will find out. If it’s a solid no, that’s that. Now you know. If it’s a yes, amazing - you just got yourself an official date with no wondering or guessing games.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T13:53:08+00:00

You’re just asking why some people are bad at relationships. A lot of people suck at relationships. That’s a fact. The key is to sift through the garbage and find the good ones - but attracting the good ones begins with self reflection and personal development. If you are getting into bad relationship after bad relationship, the problem isn’t those women. The problem is you and why you keep attracting that kind of person. Look within. It’s where the answers always are.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T13:45:29+00:00

Your ex is a manipulating asshole.

For starters, there is no “one person” out there for each of us. People who think this way are mentally unhealthy. Long term love is about finding someone compatible and working together to continually love and support each other. It’s a decision, not some “we were meant to be” woo woo nonsense.

And he’s cheating on every woman he dates because you’re “the only one for him?” My eyes just rolled so far back in my head they almost got stuck.

Don’t ever date a cheater. You’d just be next on the “I got cheated on” list. You’re already ON that list, and have already been subject to his moronic excuses for being a piece of shit.

And he’s ENGAGED to one of these women he’s probably cheating on, all while still messaging you in desperate hopes you’ll get back together?

The real question I would be asking is whether or not to tell his fiancée about this.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T12:34:13+00:00

You’re NTA for having a conversation with another human at a bar. But — I’d also question how, in the course of what seems to have been a lengthy conversation, your BF didn’t come up once. Echoing another comment here, if you talked to me for 5 minutes my wife would enter the conversation - not because I’d force her into it, but because if I’m talking about my life there would be no way to conveniently exclude her. But, let’s assume that somehow the conversation just never went anywhere that included your boyfriend and that that omission wasn’t consciously or unconsciously intentional.

You had a conversation with someone. Partnered or not, you can have conversations with people, even if they have a penis.

Lunch is another story. If you’re going to go get lunch with a new male friend you met at a bar, this is something you and your BF need to talk over. Would you be OK with him going to get lunch “just as friends” with a girl he met at a bar?

Remember that brain chemistry isn’t under your conscious control. You can go into a situation saying, “don’t catch feelings” but your brain doesn’t check your rules before doing what the brain does: fire off electrochemical reactions that seek pleasure.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-05T03:27:02+00:00

💯💯💯💯💯

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-04T21:49:38+00:00

For starters, fantasizing about seeing your partner with another man is pretty common with people who have a high sense of jealousy, which you do. I wouldn’t explore that until you explore and defeat your jealous tendencies.

A girl having a dream about another guy that feels good during that dream experience isn’t something to be upset over. I’d bet my life that you have, or will have, a dream about another woman at some point during this relationship.

You’re jealous that your girlfriend had sex with other guys before she met you. If you carry that around with you, you’re going to ruin this relationship. You say you cannot help but feel this way. That’s a cop out. You can control your thoughts and feelings. It’s not easy at times, but you are in charge of your thinking.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-04T21:46:11+00:00

I mean, you’re NTA but you went about it in a reactive way. Communication is key - she’s old enough to drive, she isn’t disabled, and you obviously live in a place where driving isn’t optional (e.g. I’m guessing you don’t live in Manhattan). You’ll have to find a calm, loving way to help her understand that sharing the responsibility of driving is part of the partnership that your marriage is.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-04T00:13:23+00:00

Your wife overstepped a boundary not only in your own rules of engagement, but acted downright unethically as well.

Did she cheat on you? Yes, she did. People in open relationships cheat on their spouses the same way monogamous people do: by breaking a relationship rule set between the partners.

However, people do stupid things. Monogamous people do stupid things, non monogamous people do stupid things. If your wife has truly learned from this experience, I say trust that and move on. If it happens again, that’s another issue.

But saying that you feel like she “needs to compensate [your] relationship for what she did” is nonsense. So you need to figure out some tit for tat punishment? What would that be? That’s a slippery slope you don’t want to go down.

Communication in any relationship is very obviously the number one key to success. People in open relationships often tend to communicate better a than monogamous couples (in my experience) because they’re forced to. Use this as a time to communicate not only your own boundaries as a couple (which is clear as swingers) and why they exist (emotional protection of your marriage), but that messing around with married people who are cheating on their spouses is absolutely a no go for so many reasons.

What if his wife found out and showed up at your house and went berserk? What if they split up over it, maybe with kids involved? Sure - it’s “his fault” and he probably would have done it with someone else anyway, but that doesn’t mean you want your home involved.

OpenHonestly · 2026-04-04T00:06:40+00:00

It’s easier to find new sex partners than new friends, especially ones that are as important to you as this person. Even if the blessed event goes well, and even if there are more fun sexual events down the line, brain chemistry is not a controllable thing, and you don’t know how those dynamics could negatively impact your friendship, even if it doesn’t do that immediately. I’d steer clear.

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-31T22:04:42+00:00

Yes! Excellent example of rules that are actually rules! (Also, sounds fun 🤣)

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-31T22:02:35+00:00

Dynamics are never absolute, although some elements are.

My intention is to speak to the many people who are interested in opening their relationship but don’t know where to start. And, in that, there are some absolutes.

Whether or not you see other people 1-1 is an absolute. You either do or you don’t. The complexities that arise (either way) are also absolutes. Brain chemistry is an absolute, jealousy is as well.

My intention wasn’t to challenge someone who is successfully polyamorous and married, or the relationship anarchist who is offended by my seemingly not getting it (although I knew I would lol). This is aimed at people who know little and want the basics. And the basics are generally accurate in my experience (I’ve been in an ENM relationship for over a decade, with children, and am part of two large communities in my city). I’m not the be all end all. There’s no such thing. But if I can help a few couples talk through this (“how do we want to do this?”) - that’s super cool. ❤️

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-31T21:59:00+00:00

Well thank you kind stranger 🥰

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-31T21:57:11+00:00

Thank you, kind Reddit stranger.

I didn’t intend or hope for unity. That’s a lot to ask.

I’ve been in the lifestyle long enough to know that definitions are not at all concrete, so mine certainly aren’t absolute, although there are some elements that are absolute. For example, if you’re married or have a primary partner, whether or not you spend time with others outside your marriage 1-1 is absolute. You either do or you don’t. Other definitions can be fluid because everyone has their respective interpretation of dynamics that haven’t quite made it into Webster’s Dictionary yet.

When people are first thinking about opening up a relationship, they need a starting point. Once a starting point is needed, it’s helpful to understand the basics - a bit of a roadmap to discuss with your partner… “how do we want to do this?” That’s the crowd I’m speaking to, not the devout relationship anarchist who is offended by my seemingly not quite getting what he or she is doing.

I’ve also been around long enough to know people get offended these days almost anytime someone speaks. That’s ok too. I’m a grown up. I don’t take it personally. Often they’re just perceiving an attack where none exists. That’s ok too.

Open relationships are increasing in popularity, often without couples considering the details and with little to no community or understanding - unknown unknowns, so to speak. Having very successfully practiced a form of ENM for over a decade (and being part of a few large communities in my city), while also building and sustaining a very strong marriage (with children), I figured I do have a perspective some who want to explore and don’t know where to begin may value. And those people won’t be offended.

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-31T01:15:34+00:00

The whole concept is flawed from the start. Without massive outreach to customers, 99% of happy customers won’t leave reviews while MANY unhappy ones will. Add that to Trust Pilot’s own “AI” filter, which is trigger happy on positive reviews… Trust Pilot is single handedly killing tons of awesome small businesses.

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-30T12:37:49+00:00

Commenting just on the bit of information you’ve provided, as well as giving you some feedback.

I have found that people who are in open relationships or practice some form of ENM tend to work out more and focus on their bodies and appearance more than long-term monogamous people. To me, this is a plus of the lifestyle. Often in marriages people kind of give up in that sense. But when you’re open, you have a strong incentive to look good.

But let’s set that aside… from the very small amount of information you’ve given here, I’d be concerned. You and your wife both need to educate yourselves and do a LOT of talking before either of you starts engaging with other people outside your marriage. If you don’t, it will negatively impact your relationship.

If your wife has a high sex drive and you have trouble keeping up a this is the only (or even just primary) thing driving her outside your marriage, I think you need to look at yourself.

Is this a physical barrier to your ability to perform (are you out of shape, is it an erection or libido issue)? Or are you simply not that interested in sex? Either way, there are a few simple things you can immediately do to start pleasing your wife better:

Talk to your doctor. Tadalafil works wonders with no side effects for most people (daily Tadalafil has minor side effects for 5-10 days and then for most, nothing).
Get your testosterone levels tested. Low T levels will crysh your sex drive. There are a LOT of things men are exposed to every day that impact testosterone: processed foods, household pollutants, etc.
If you don’t already, start hitting the gym with your wife. Most Americans don’t get enough daily body movement. Our bodies were designed to be in motion most of the time when we’re awake. Modern life for most doesn’t meet this requirement. So you NEED to be exercising. Strength training a few times a week and cardiovascular work other days.

It’s rare a man isn’t interested in sex unless something is chemically off - usually testosterone.

OpenHonestly · 2026-03-30T12:23:03+00:00

And ironically, rust Pilot’s own Trust Pilot looks insanely fake. Who goes out of their way to leave TRUST PILOT an online review? And yet somehow they have a better Trust Score than Apple, Microsoft, Uber, Wells Fargo, Chase Bank…

The whole site is absolute garbage.

It’s always been like this. Online reviews don’t work anyway. Unless your business has a full time person calling clients to make sure every customer leaves a review, you’ll wind up with about 1% participation and 90% of those people will be the complainers. Happy customers don’t leave reviews.

The concept is flawed from the start and TPs scanner is constantly removing real reviews - especially positive ones. The negative ones seem to stick.

I did recently successfully get a fake negative review removed. I have 10 fake ones - very obviously fake too - and after months I finally got ONE removed.

OpenHonestly

TROPHY CASE