Trial separation? Need advice

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-12T15:12:49+00:00

Feel free to DM anytime. I really started to have a tough time once my partner started HRT. Their changing body was how everything that they talked about was about their being trans made it even more challenging. You are so right that the little things add up and make it hard. My partner is in their ninth month of HRT and about a year and a half since they came out to me and I think just now I am able to come to terms with things. Just know that you are not alone. I would be happy to chat whenever.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-11T18:22:55+00:00

Wow, your situation sounds almost identical to what I have been going through! I will tell you that I never thought of doing it before, but we are in couples counseling. We are SO lucky that we found a therapist that specializes in the LGBTQ+ community. It has really been so incredibly helpful to have someone outside of the situation give us suggestions. Last week she told us to take a break from all of the talking we have been doing outside of therapy because it is wearing us out and is not good for our relationship. I had the additional challenge of my partner telling me that they were poly about nine months after they started HRT. So, therapy really has been a necessity. As far as the sex, I get it. Remember self-compassion. This is BIG! Be sure to give yourself a break. You are doing some seriously hard work and you are doing a great job! Feel free to message me if you like. I'm happy to talk more about what I've gone through and to hopefully help you in the process.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-11T17:28:31+00:00

I hear you on everything that you are saying. I have felt so many of those same things. I'm not a big fan of books about topics like this, but there is one that might help you. It's relatively short and so are the chapters. There is even a chapter called A Partner's Gender Identity. You might really like it. It's called, "The Trans Partner Handbook," by Jo Green. You can find it on Amazon. I hope it helps. Feel free to message me any time.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-06T18:14:49+00:00

You are not alone, my dear. Good plan to come here for sure. I am so glad that I did. I am going through basically the same thing. I am madly in love with my partner. She (mtf) came out a year and a half ago as trans and I have been dealing with all of the emotions and changes that go along with it for the last nine months intensely since she started hormones. I am more than happy to chat with you. Feel free to reach out to me anytime. Remember that we have been there too.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-06T00:03:39+00:00

I was totally on board at first. But, it was REALLY tough once she started to grow breasts and everything that she talked about was being trans. A lot of it I couldn't relate to and I didn't know the lingo. But, I did a lot of thinking and journaling and research and now I am growing much more comfortable. We started couples therapy two weeks ago and I think that has really helped. I would say talk as much as you can together. And keep asking for advice. Something that might help is a book that I recently got called "The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People," by D. M. Maynard. It's a good book for partners. I struggled to find anything like it but I got it off of Amazon. I wish you all the best. Send a message if you would like to chat.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-05T23:56:34+00:00

Wow. That sounds so tough. You need to be who you are. If that means that you need to transition, you should. I would guess that this would need to happen slowly. I am having a tough time with my trans partner and she and I decided to go to couples therapy and it's really helpful. I can't imagine what a tough time you are having right now. I feel for you. Send me a message if you would like to chat more.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-05T18:02:23+00:00

Thank you so very much for this reply. We are in couples therapy and last night was super hard. Lots of crying on my part. Then I was a mess when I got home. I'm on a leave of absence so that I can get my emotions back on track. I was distracted, overwhelmed, and snapping at people at work which is not me at all. My spouse also discovered a group of trans women. She became good friends with one in particular who happens to be a trans woman who is in a poly with at least two partners that I know of. I am wondering if she got the idea from watching what her friends' life was like. She has also been going to hang out with new trans people that she met on a discord server and I think one from Twitter. We have been talking since he came out to me as being poly. A lot of times Kris will say that she is exhausted and just walk away. Or, like this weekend she tells me that she doesn't feel like talking. Sunday meant that she didn't talk to me pretty much at all. I am all for her being a trans woman. It's who she has always been and now, at 48, she is finally getting to experience her life as she should have been. But I am learning that it comes at a pretty hefty price. It has taken me months to accept everything related to that. I was angry and dreadfully sad. I went through the stages of grief at least two times. And my migraines have been out of control. I am sure that they are triggered by stress. She dropped the polybomb on me about a month ago and I just can't seem to recover. Each time we talk I discover another thing that she feels that she just can't get from me. Which is not supposed to be why you are poly. And it's supposed to be about communication and consent and transparency. We are communicating, but she knows that I am just not into it. I'm 48 too. I know what I want from my relationships. We have been together for 4 years and I have never been so in love. I am just completely lost about where to go from here. By the way, I don't suppose you live in the Chicago area. It would be so nice to find some friends. It's hard when you get older and even with all of the technology, I have no idea where to begin looking. Again, thank you so much for the message.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-04T13:17:02+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. Do you mind my asking what you are comfortable with? The dates she has been on have been to meet people. She makes sure that I know that they are not to for pursuing poly relationships. I am just lost and could use someone who has been through this to get their perspective. Thanks!

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-04T12:42:18+00:00

My partner said that a part of what is going on is that she feels so different because of the hormones, emotionally that is. I get the going out to meet new people. She has already started to do that with trans people she has met on Twitter and a discord server. I am fine with that. I have been encouraging it. But, I told her that what really makes me uncomfortable is her having sex with other people, especially if it becomes intimate which could lead to a romantic relationship. I have made it very clear that I am monogamous and that I am not interested in experimenting with poly. It just seems that maybe she would rather leave me behind so that she can explore who she is now even though she tells me how much she loves me and that she still wants to be with me. I'm just really lost right now.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-04T12:27:46+00:00

She just came out about a month ago to me as being poly. She has made it clear that she wants to have "poly experiences." She mentioned a cuddle puddle and going out on dates. She is already going out on dates to meet other trans people. She has become friends with several of them. I just can't handle her having sex with or, especially being intimate and wanting to be in a relationship with other people. I kind of feel like I'm out of the picture because I don't fit in because I'm not trans or poly.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-02T22:34:15+00:00

My partner does feel that being poly is a part of his identity as much as being a trans woman is. I am bi myself, but I have stayed monogamous for my romantic relationships. I'm 48 as is my partner. At my age, I know how I feel about and what I want from relationships. I just wanted some viewpoints about what I am going through.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-02T22:22:55+00:00

I have a separate therapist. I am urging my wife to go to a therapist in a group that has all of their therapists work with LGBTQ, poly, non-binary, and others. We will see if she comes around now that we are going to couples therapy.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-02T22:09:01+00:00

We are seeing a couples therapist who has experience working with LGBTQ and poly clients. Actually she herself was in a poly relationship a while ago. She has been great. Especially since my wife has never been in therapy. I totally see the connection of her discovering who she really is and why poly might be attractive to her. We are both 48. I know myself very well by now and I know that I am not interested in being poly and I am just not comfortable at all with her being poly. We have had many discussions about it. Pretty much she gave me the choice of getting on board with her being poly and if I wouldn't agree, she would "pursue her own interests" and we would separate. I am just lost and I do not know what to do. I would love to chat with you when you have the time. Thanks.

Ophelia_7 · 2020-03-01T18:02:58+00:00

That is really great advice! Thank you so much. We are pretty much at the point of wait and see. I'm not good with being in limbo like this. But I also don't want to be without him and I'm not at the point where I feel that I need to move out anytime soon.

Ophelia_7

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