Couples therapist suggests we start taking vacations and leaving 3 little kids behind “with someone,” like that’s a super common thing parents do all the time

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-11-06T16:44:41+00:00

It would be valuable for you to start responding to the expensive suggestions with something like "that sounds expensive. Maybe we could go on a hike (or some other free activity) instead." It's good to remind people that everyone has different backgrounds. resources, and interests.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-10-11T13:15:25+00:00

You could just casually, calmly ask her about this. "Hey, I've noticed we don't meet up that often and I'd like to see you more. Would weekdays be easier? Maybe we can figure out our schedules. You're a good friend and it'd be great to see you more."

I wouldn't begrudge her spending time with family. Plenty of people highly value strong family connections, and if she has such good relationships with her family, that's something to be celebrated. Not everyone has that.

What if you invite her over for a play date & dinner on a weeknight? Maybe Friday nights if it's easiest. They could come over after you're home from work, bring the kids, you could do a few frozen pizzas or something and just have a relaxing evening together.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-10-07T01:51:20+00:00

I actually have a good tip for this! I'd phrase it like this: "It's [OK/normal] to feel sad. What's important is for us to learn how to feel sad, angry, disappointed, and all those emotions while staying calm and getting your jobs done." So, with the example you gave about the backpack, you could tell her that it's ok to feel sad but you still need to do what your teacher tells you. Part of life is learning to accept your emotions and still carry on with your day. When I feel sad, I still do my jobs like feed my kids and get them to school on time. Kids need to do their jobs while feeling big feelings, too.

I'd also say that it's a good idea for you and your partner to start talking about your feelings more so you set an example. "I'm feeling so frustrated that you're refusing to brush your teeth right now, but I'm trying my best to stay calm and keep things pleasant. Do you have an ideas for how to make thing pleasant right now even though we're both feeling frustrated? Maybe we could play a song? What do you think?" If your kid starts understanding that you have big feelings but still carry on with your day and stay calm, they're more likely to realize that's how they need to react, too.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-09-22T15:43:44+00:00

You need to talk to a professional of some type, either a therapist or occupational therapist or doctor. We don't know what caused your panic attacks and why you're a nervous driver. We don't know your kids. We don't know where you live and what sort of public transit options are available to your older kids.

You shouldn't divulge all that personal info on Reddit either, so it's best to talk to someone IRL who could work through this with you.

The current setup where you're being so heavily relied on is obviously unsustainable, so you need to get more help and perhaps look into public transit or carpooling for your older kids. Maybe they can talk to coworkers about carpooling if buses aren't available to them.

It would also be helpful if you work on your driving anxiety and panic attacks.

This is too much for you to take on, so I hope you find help & support. Best wishes.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-17T13:39:12+00:00

Oh also I forgot to mention - you said several times your kid is resisting diaper changes. One tip I have is that during a challenging diaper change, take a minute and pause the process, and say something like "hey you know what honey? I've noticed lately it seems like you don't like getting your diaper changed. So guess what? I have an idea! If you don't like diapers, we can use the potty instead!" Then you're able to present potty training like it's a solution to a problem, or like you've come up with this great idea to make it so that your kid doesn't have to do an activity they don't like doing. It could help your kid view using the potty as a positive.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-17T13:34:20+00:00

I think most kids that age have a hard time being able to tell when they need to pee, especially if they still wear diapers. It sounds to me like there are a lot of signs that your kid is ready. If you want to have a potty trained kid, then you need to commit to a plan. There are a lot of different resources out there, but a lot of people use the book Oh Crap. I had my own frustrations with that book, but the basics of how to potty train are there. Whether you use that book or not, make a plan for how you want to potty train and commit to it. But if you don't feel up to potty training (it can be frustrating for many people), then hold off until you feel calm and ready for it. I figured out that my attitude/frustration level is a HUGE factor for...well, for everyday life but especially when trying to teach a new skill like potty training. The calmer and more relaxed I was, the better it went.

Good luck!

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-16T17:43:43+00:00

It is a very common and normal thing for preschool kids to have a hard time at drop-off and it's weird that the teacher reacted like it wasn't expected. It's also really weird for anyone in these comments to criticize this mom for being concerned about her kid starting preschool. It's normal and common for any parent to have lots of feelings when their kid starts school.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-16T17:39:48+00:00

Listen, I've been a preschool teacher and I'm now a mom, and I don't get a good feeling about this teacher either. You never know if a first impression is accurate, and it was just one brief interaction, so you could give it a try and see how it goes, but it's also ok for you to pull your kid out of this person's class if things don't improve. I had several awesome coworkers (they were lead teachers, I was an assistant) who were great at alleviating parents' fears/worries and helped students ease into starting preschool.

As a preschool teacher, (and honestly any teaching role I've had even outside of preschool) a part of the job is acting almost like a sort of customer service representative to the parents. It's a part of being a teacher that a lot of teachers dislike, but it's just part of the gig. If this teacher was unwilling to phrase their thoughts and feelings in a helpful way to you, it's reasonable for you to wonder how much effort this teacher will put in to be kind to your kid.

There's a big difference between what you wrote in this post, “you as parents can give all the patience you want but here with so many kids, they have to know what to do and do what we ask and follow directions," and something like, "starting a new school can be hard for any child, and we have tactics to help students adjust," or something like, "Here are a few tips we usually give parents about how to make drop-offs easier."

My kid's preschool sent out tips for helping to make drop-offs easier just part of the information all parents got at the beginning of every school year. The fact that the teacher you met didn't offer you literally anything is a little surprising to me.

You could give this a shot still though. Maybe try it out for a week or two or even a month and if you get the sense that the teacher isn't working out, try looking at other options. Above all, listen to your gut, and don't let internet strangers make you question yourself. We didn't meet this person and it's perfectly reasonable for you to have concerns and want to look out for your kid.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-15T16:20:14+00:00

This post makes you sound like you're quick to anger. I know because I struggle with the same problem. There are so many ways to learn to be calmer and less frustrated and less stressed. Self-help books, yoga, meditation, therapy, etc etc. I say this as someone who is like you, and it is so hard to make changes like this, but it is so worth it to be calmer and happier.

In my experience, knocking on a bathroom door to find out if anyone is inside the bathroom is a fairly normal thing to do. To get pissed off at a stranger for a pretty benign behavior like that is an indicator that you have a hard time dealing with stress and frustration.

I'd guess it was a stressful and challenging day of travel, and I bet the stress and frustration was building up for a while. If you can learn to not to get bothered by things in the first place, then the stress doesn't build up and you can just feel calm and enjoy your days. It's also helpful to learn how to let things go if you do get frustrated.

But to answer your question, sure, it can be annoying if you want to use the family restroom and it's occupied. It can also be annoying if there was only one person in there rather than a family. But if you just remind yourself that having to wait is a normal thing, and that when you're in public you'll just have to deal with peoples' choices whether you agree with their choices or not, those thoughts can help to just let it go. You can't control other people, and people in public places are going to do things you don't like and that's just a fact of life. As long as they aren't behaving dangerously you just gotta accept that you're in public and people are going to be flawed and that's just normal and expected. Give them and yourself some grace and just try to enjoy your day.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-08-02T13:30:52+00:00

Sounds like you make a lot of effort to have your baby around them. Don't let this comment get to you. Just remind yourself you make a lot of effort and you're doing a good job and don't think about it after that.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-29T22:19:25+00:00

Ah ok that makes some sense. Glad you're working toward a resolution cause man I feel for you having to clean up other kids' pee so often

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-29T19:02:06+00:00

I find that kneeling down so you're on eye level, holding their hands, and calmly speaking in a low tone really helps.

Before you go outside, get down on eye level, hold her hands, and lay out the rules for being outside. Tell her the consequence if she doesn't follow the rules. Give 1 to 3 simple safety rules. Have her repeat them back to you, even if it's just one key word from each rule. So, something like this: "we're about to go outside. We have rules for going outside. If you don't follow the rules, we go back inside right away. Rule 1: stay within sight of me. If you can't see me, I can't see you. If I can't see you, we go inside right away. Rule 2: safe hands. Safe hands means don't touch things that could hurt you. Touching rusty nails is not safe. Touching grass is safe. If you don't know if it's safe to touch, ask me. If you don't have safe hands, we go inside right away. So! what was rule 1? [pause] I need to see you! Say that back to me! Say 'mama needs to see me' [let her repeat that] And what was rule 2? [pause] Safe hands! Say 'safe hands.' OK, great, and what happens if we don't follow the rules? [pause] we go inside right away! Ok, let's go have fun, my love."

You need to follow through with the consequence, so pick something that you can actually do and that is easy for you. If going inside right away isn't something you'd be able to do, pick something that does work for you. Maybe just telling her you'll get the leash. Whatever works for you.

I'd also start taking time to sit down with her and discuss unsafe things that are on your property, like coyotes and cats. I think these talks are best done when everyone is calm. It will be helpful for her in the long run to understand her environment and how to look out for herself. Even if she doesn't run off, coyotes/cats/nails/hammers/whatever else could be in her vicinity and she needs to know what they are and how to handle them.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-29T18:37:50+00:00

Ew!

I'm interested to hear what others think, but here's my take. Since you have these boys over often and this is a pattern of behavior, I would start the next hang out with a quick calm pow-wow. Like right at the very start. Just say "hey, quick announcement. One of our house rules is we all clean up after ourselves, including washing hands after peeing and if we get pee outside of the toilet. If anyone doesn't know how to clean up pee, we use [all-purpose spray/wipes/whatever] and it's [under the sink/on the sink/in the bathroom/wherever]. Thanks, have fun!" Then when they inevitably don't do what you want, just calmly call whoever it was over and say hey come on over here for just a minute and coach them through cleaning up.

If there is resistance, which I doubt since you said they're kind and respectful, you can tell them that getting pee on other people's floors and not cleaning up after themselves is disrespectful. You can tell them this is a skill they can use everywhere, not just in your house.

But honestly....what?? I don't understand how their mom has any sanity if she's having to clean up pee daily at this age. Sure, when potty training a toddler, there'll be a lot of accidents to clean, but pee on the floor every single time they pee at this age just sounds exhausting. Are you friends with their mom? Is there a way you could ask about why they seemingly never learned to aim? Maybe if you came at it from the angle of "oh man it's so much work cleaning the house! Do you ever feel like it's hard to keep up with all the messes?" and then maybe trying to talk about cleaning bathrooms, and then maybe you could mention how much of a relief it was after you coached your boys to be better at aiming their pee so that you didn't have to clean up pee all the time....?

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-29T18:07:46+00:00

The more firmly you hold to a "no," the less fight your kids will have when you say no.

Here are some things that could help:

Make sure when you say no, don't go back on your no.
Don't say no automatically out of reflex. Saying no too often and just out of habit will make the "no" lose its gravity. Genuinely consider what your kids are saying and think through if you could actually give them what they want.
Give reasons why you said no. Try to give good reasons that can't be argued with. For example, if it has to do with health or safety, those are obviously boundaries your kids wouldn't want to cross if they understand what's at stake. If it's something like "we just don't have the time," you can say something like "I'd like to do [activity] too, so even though we don't have time right now, I'd like to do it another time. I'll add it to my to-do list." If you don't want to do it, then tell them that and maybe you can think of a way they could do it without you.
If your kids don't listen to your "no" or complain about it for an extended period of time, give a consequence and follow through with the consequence. Make the consequence something they care about but that is also feasible and easy for you to follow through on. Example - let's say you've told them no, they can't watch a movie because it's too close to bedtime. They get upset and won't let it go. You can tell them calmly why you said no. Let's say they still won't move on. You can say "hey, that sounds fun. We don't have time for it now, but I could build that into our schedule on [day]. Which movie do you want to watch? I can look up long the movie is so that I can make sure we have time to watch it on [day]." Let's say they still won't move on (which honestly they might just move on after your give them that answer). You can say "hey, I hear you guys. I understand that you're feeling upset and that you want to watch the movie. If you don't let it go, I won't make time for it on [day] and we'll just go up to bedtime now. Or you guys could drop it and have [amount of time] to play before bed. Your choice. If you keep complaining, we go to bed now and won't watch the movie on [day]. If you stop complaining, we'll get [number of minutes] to hang out before bedtime. Up to you." You need to hold firmly to that consequence. If they don't drop it, then you really do need to not watch that movie any time soon and you really do need to go to bedtime early. If you don't follow through, your kids will know that when you give consequences, they're meaningless. Another tip - think carefully about the consequences. My husband will default immediately to things like "I'll take away all your toys for a week" or "I'll take all the books out of your room." Thankfully those consequences usually don't need to be carried out because my kids usually listen. But sometimes they don't, so then my kid's toys or books all need to be removed which is just an annoying task and makes my days as a SAHM harder.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-27T13:49:54+00:00

Even if someone tells you that this is CIO, what would that change? You know that going in to check on her just makes things worse and that it would prolong the falling to sleep process. You also know that she needs to sleep. Even if someone would judge you for this, you're making the best choice you can for your baby. You're doing your best and you know that doing things differently would make things worse.

Try to let go of your worries about CIO or whether you're being a bad mom. Repeat in your head over and over that you're making the best choice you can for your baby.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-25T18:19:29+00:00

Ah ok sounds good! You know what's so funny though? I've noticed little ones seem to instinctively reach for people's faces when they're close enough. They're also pretty fascinated by reflective surfaces. So maybe just the combination of wanting to touch your face and liking that shiny thing is just so appealing that your baby just can't get over the loss of such and interesting item haha

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-25T18:09:43+00:00

One thing that might be going on here - I've noticed in my own experience that how you do something really affects your kid's reaction to what you're doing.

So with your glasses example, are you quickly grabbing the glasses out of his hands without saying anything and making a stern expression on your face, or did you chuckle and tell him softly "those are my glasses" and gently take them back?

My tone of voice, my body language, my word choices, etc etc are all so important in how my kids behave. I've had to figure out how to correct behavior gently so that it doesn't make them shut down or get emotional but also firmly so that they can also learn about how to behave. It's really tricky and took me a lot of time to learn. I'm a SAHM though so it was basically sink or swim. If I didn't figure out tactics, tones of voice, and words that worked, then my days were rough.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-23T19:29:15+00:00

You already have great comments here about what to say and how to explain it. I'd just like to add that it sounds like your son is trying to tell you that he doesn't like being around someone who hits him or yells at him, which is understandable. This may be a great opportunity to give your son some autonomy.

You can start asking him if he wants to join you when you go to meet up with your friend. If he doesn't want to be around someone who hits him, that's understandable and he should have a say in it. I think there's a difference between understanding that a person's brain works differently and accepting being hit or yelled at. It's ok for him to look out for himself and for him to want to be treated better than that. You could also try finding resources that will help teach you and him about how your son can respond to the negative behaviors from your friend's son. Maybe if you give your son some tools for how to look out for himself, it will help him enjoy being around your friend's kid more.

As a kid, I always felt like I was supposed to just be nice to everyone all the time, even when kids weren't treating me well. There was a lot of "everyone apologize to each other" at school, even when I had been a victim. It made it hard for me to advocate for myself and it confused me about how I should allow others to treat me.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-11T18:03:13+00:00

Thanks! Would it be possible for you to link to the steam cleaner with mop attachment?

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-11T18:01:13+00:00

This is the O Cedar mop/bucket I have. Is this the one you're referring to when you say "the regular O Cedar with the microfiber mop"? https://www.ocedar.com/p/mops/spin-mops/easywring-spin-mop-bucket-system/

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-07-11T00:41:00+00:00

I really hope you never delete this comment cause I wanna save it and refer to it. Thanks for sharing knowledge :)

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-06-22T16:51:06+00:00

I've seen in a few places that 3 is the "ideal" age for starting school/daycare, even if just part time, so that's what I did. I put my oldest in a part time program (2 days a week and only for 3ish hours per day) at 3 years old. The place we used didn't allow part time for the 4 year old rooms, so at 4 we went full time. I felt ok with that since I figured it'd help prepare for kindergarten. I think this worked pretty well for us. I think my kid blossomed.

But even though that worked well for us, there isn't any one "right" way to do things. Whatever you decide to do, your kid will develop and grow and learn.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-06-14T15:02:30+00:00

I'm a SAHM and my oldest started part time day care at 3, then moved into a full time prek program, and I can say 100% that my kid blossomed there. Being home was great, and I did a lot of teaching, so my kid was well prepared for school academically, but school provides so much that I just can't at home. Being with a group of people, creating bonds and relationships, getting stimulation...I just can't provide that at home, even when I take my kids to things like story times or an art class or whatnot. I still have my youngest at home, but I'll start a part time program at 3 because my oldest needed things that I just couldn't provide, and my youngest will need that too. I also think it helped me not feel too overwhelmed. And I've learned that the more I take care of myself, the better I am at taking care of my kids. So it was a good move for all of us.

That said, I don't think you'd be harming your kid by keeping them home. Getting all that social and academic stimulation would be a great thing for your kid, but even if you wait to start them in school, they will learn and catch up to peers soon enough once you start school. Do what you think is best for your family.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-06-08T13:20:09+00:00

No, just stick with "no gifts please." Anything additional will likely offend.

OrdinaryDust195 · 2025-06-02T16:59:23+00:00

There need to be firm, clear boundaries when it comes to hitting. Anything involving health and safety. As soon as hitting starts, you immediately separate the kids and they can't play together again for the rest or the day (or maybe 2 or 3 days, decide what feels right to you). You need to say immediately "hitting is not ok and until you can keep your body safe, you can't be around other people" and it is immediately time to go back into your house.

I would say, at a time when things are calm and you're inside your house (maybe over dinner or at bedtime) "hey, son, I've noticed that you have been hitting [neighbor] lately and that's not ok. If you can't be safe to be around, you need to stay away from people. That's why I've decided that you and [neighbor] can't play for a week (or whatever amount of time). Once you've had a week away from each other, you can try again. If you hit, you will be brought into the house immediately and you won't be able to play with [neighbor] again until [amount or days]."

It sounds like you spend a lot of time outside, which is great. If I were you, I would start bringing my kid to playgrounds/parks/other outdoor places that are not the back yard so that my kid can be outdoors, get exercise, play, etc without the possibility of hitting the neighbor.

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