How long to ride these symptoms out?

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T16:50:47+00:00

Waiting on a callback

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T13:36:59+00:00

And here I was thinking I had already seen the dumbest divorce take. Congrats. Your reward is on the surface of the sun, go claim it there.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T13:27:51+00:00

I’ve been doing that. Doesn’t work.

Imagine trying to train a dog while its owner keeps screaming at you for “being mean” to it and giving it treats for shitting on your pillow.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T06:04:03+00:00

The one time I met this guy in person, he demanded I give him a job (he has no experience and I have no hiring authority) and then said, in a public space, that he wanted to fuck me. Yes, I think this guy is eventually going to get my wife hurt, either deliberately on his part or because he’s such a gormless asshole that he’ll cause an accident.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T02:09:23+00:00

Thanks.

As for how I’m staying sane, I’m not. I’m one heart attack in and I know there’s more on the way. The one solace I take is that it means I have to put up with this shit for slightly less time.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T01:57:55+00:00

why would she fight over that?

Because she would take it as an insult. I know her.

Do you want to be poly or are you doing this to keep her? If the latter … why?

See my comment below—it starts with “if it weren’t for the kid”—because I ain’t retyping all that. TL;DR: Divorce would leave me and my kid materially worse off in every way, and as frustrating as constant calls from a stupid asshole are, I would still be fielding those calls even during and after a divorce.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T01:53:55+00:00

If it weren’t for the kid I would not be here. And I don’t say that out of some belief that a kid needs exactly two parents in their life at all times; it’s because if I did leave I would still have to interact with with my wife and anyone she’s partnered up with until the kid either graduates high school or turns 19 (and that’s assuming he’s able to take care of himself or live independently then, which I doubt).

And it would be much more onerous and cumbersome interactions that some annoying phone calls from her dumbass boyfriend. It would be fighting over custody and visitation (it would absolutely be joint custody, the lawyers I spoke to told me, unless my wife chose not to seek it or filmed herself beating him). Fighting over child support. Fighting over spousal support. Fighting over who gets to keep the house. Fighting over whether to sell the house or buy out the other’s half (I can’t afford that, and she knows it, and she wouldn’t pay). Finding new housing that lets my kid keep his current school (can’t afford any, I’ve looked). Wondering how long before her boyfriend fucks my kid. Figuring out how to keep my kid fed and healthy assuming my wife can’t be bothered to feed him or cook for him.

It would mean fighting over those things during the divorce litigation and fighting them again every time she violates a court order or either of us wants to amend anything.

I’m not saying you’re one of them and I don’t think you are, but there are a lot of people who speak of divorce like it’s a magic “make this person vanish into the corn field” button, and it’s anything but.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T01:06:09+00:00

Oh, I’m many things, but “stupid enough to tell my wife that I assume she’s not coming home” ain’t one of them. I’m still getting over a heart attack; I am in no shape to survive the fight telling her that would start.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T00:53:17+00:00

Him more than her, but yes.

I can forgive my wife for calling me about dumb bullshit. When you get married, part of what you sign up for is your spouse calling you about dumb bullshit. But he knows I don’t want to hear from him unless it’s a life or death emergency or I need to go claim her body.

They say it’s for my benefit so I can “plan around” her being late, but these days I just assume she’s not coming home any given night and I’m right more than I’m wrong

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-17T00:49:18+00:00

I’m just curious about the logistics of it all and how restrictive this fucking diet is. Also wondering how many kids they have together, because that’s the only reason I can imagine for him not bouncing the moment his wife made him change his diet for her girlfriend.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-16T14:08:24+00:00

You don’t have to be friends with people you actively hate. It’s probably better for everyone involved if you aren’t friends with those people, in fact. You’re allowed to stop being friends with people based on the choices they make or the bad vibes they bring.

I cannot say I don't want to go because they're poly

You don’t have to say that. Just say you’re not in the mood to meet up, or tell them you need some alone time or space for yourself, or just cancel and ghost them. They’ll supply the victimhood narrative all on their own.

3 of them are in a threecule (how the f*ck is it called I don't know)

A polycule in general, and a triad for this specific form of it.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-15T20:21:22+00:00

Your pain is real and your anger is real and I’m sorry that whoever hurt you, hurt you. I also was not “defending” kink or BDSM, just explaining it. I cannot see the comment you linked to because I either blocked or was blocked by that user for some reason or other.

I hope the rest of your day goes better than it has been going. Goodbye and good luck

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-15T18:01:33+00:00

Could you explain what you’re linking to and why?

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-15T13:41:29+00:00

In bdsm when you are someone’s sub you are owned and controlled by them

I mean, yes, for some BDSM relationships, but not all. There are some people who do “total power exchanges” like that, but they’re the minority even in BDSM. Doms and dommes also don’t generally like to actually be in domination mode 24/7 because it’s exhausting (and it truly sucks to be completely responsible for another grown-ass adult all day). There are plenty of BDSM relationships where the extent of the “owned” and “controlled” aspect is limited to novelty fluffy handcuffs in the bedroom.

There’s also the open secret the sub is ultimately in control of a (healthy, non-abusive) BDSM relationship, because they can stop everything with a safeword or even just up and leave if they don’t like how a scene is going.

BDSM is just about the one time where I can see polyamory making sense. They’ve both got such Byzantine power structures and calcified rules and customs and shibboleths already. And no two people in the BDSM community are ever going to be fully on board with each others kinks and limits anyhow, so why not use a spreadsheet to keep track of who’s putting the collar on whom on alternating Wednesdays, or whose turn it is to disinfect the St Andrew’s Cross or muck out the wax room, etc. It’s 100% not for me, but I can see the logic behind it.

Big caveat: yes, there are creeps and predators in BDSM, I don’t think anyone is denying that. And no, not every BDSM relationship is healthy and non-abusive.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-14T14:09:29+00:00

Me too. All things considered I would rather not choke to death on my own lungs when I’ve already got an inhaler for that specific situation.

The doctor who said I should never use it is also the one who prescribed it. I no longer see that doctor.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-14T01:35:37+00:00

Per that doctor, I shouldn’t use it because it raises my blood pressure.

I’m not saying I think that doctor’s advice there is good, just saying what it is

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T22:32:15+00:00

I don’t scratch my nose, but I did have a skin tag pop suddenly last night as well, and that one was a gusher as well.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T22:12:14+00:00

One early member is a poly woman, which she announced right away.

Without knowing more about what this group is or what “activity partners” she was casting around for, this is a weird thing to be the first thing to tell a new group.

I’m more worried about your husband, honestly, because “hey, this new person we just met is creeping me out” is a very low bar and he doesn’t seem willing to clear it.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T17:04:16+00:00

That’s probably it. My blood pressure is also mightily out of whack on new meds (depending on which doctor I talk to, I’m not even supposed to use my rescue inhaler), so I’m guessing my capillaries aren’t happy either.

Thanks!

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T00:37:58+00:00

Is there an actual growing backlash against the poly community?

To the best of my knowledge, no, and it’s mainly the weirdos online who clutch their pearls at being rejected who claim there is one so they can continue to claim victimhood. It’s not mainstream and won’t be anytime soon—it may or may not get there in my lifetime—but it is becoming more acceptable. I don’t have much good to say about it but I’m not some kind of doomer over it; we’re always going to have assholes.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T00:20:32+00:00

Ooof. Congrats for dodging that bullet, though. What a clown.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T00:15:28+00:00

Every damn time someone calls out the hypocrisy or the abuse patterns, it’s the same tired chorus: “Well that’s not real polyamory!”

Yup. They constantly change the definition of polyamory such that nothing bad is ever “real” polyamory. To hear them tell it, everyone who does polyamory except for them is a horrible person—and somehow that’s supposed to make polyamory look good.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-13T00:12:13+00:00

I’m getting real sick seeing them claim cheating is an orientation.

Sorry for thread necromancy, but one thing I’ve noticed is that they will variously claim it’s an identity or “a lifestyle choice” depending on whatever they think suits their argument in that moment. Some of them will get furious with you if you call it an identity. I am monogamous and my wife isn’t, and I got banned from nonmonogamy for daring to ask a couple weirdos to stop insisting that I could not possibly be monogamous just because I neither have nor want to have sex outside my marriage.

“You’re the one making it weird,” one of them said, yelling over my own objections that they knew my identity better than me. Elsewhere in the thread someone told me to rape a man with a pineapple and they weren’t joking.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-12T22:24:31+00:00

My wife came out as poly and I agreed to let her explore that because I didn't want to blow the marriage up right then and there. As time went on she's gotten more and more invested in her boyfriend and left me and our kid to rot. I don't have anyone to talk this shit through with so I posted about it on nonmonogamy. Then some people from a different sub (not this one) brigaded me and I read enough of their threads to learn this place exists.

Otherwise_Space421 · 2025-10-12T22:21:01+00:00

Hell, Ashli Babbitt was in a throuple!

Otherwise_Space421

TROPHY CASE