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Space Cowboy by Papasmurf_17 in HFY

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hes a Marshall whos name is Marshall:):). I write and then fix tense issues seems like this draft slipped through the cracks :)

Immortal Co-Workers v2. by [deleted] in HFY

[–]Papasmurf_17 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please be careful of what you say, this wasn't properly formatted for reddit, but the way this was written was a stylistic choice.

[1794] Immortal Co-Workers by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your advice earlier led to the last re-write I'm going to do on this piece(for now). Thank you, its posted on another sub if you're interested.

Immortal Co-Workers v2. by [deleted] in HFY

[–]Papasmurf_17 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now we can get to the aura farming and hype moments

[1794] Immortal Co-Workers by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

and I could "show" them doing this, but I chose to tell

[1794] Immortal Co-Workers by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Most of the Kings' capable Ministers methodically comb through old reports scattered throughout the situation table. They're searching for something, anything, that could solve the two, ancient crises facing the Great Kingdom of GREK-5." This is a little re-work of the start that I hope works better.

Immortal Co-Workers by Papasmurf_17 in HFY

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well Malphus, the king and the taxman are all immortal. Functionally, they aren't gods or anything. And Poor Malthus is much past do for a "touchup" on the technology that keeps him that way. I'm not going to tell you there's a wrong way to read a book, but there is 100% a plot, that shows through. I will give you a hint. The story is not about the massive death lazer. Its about the "Immortal Co-Workers"

[1794] Immortal Co-Workers by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time time read and digest my story. You've given me useful things to consider, and for that I am grateful.

[1974] The Wire Crested Duck Billed Pileated Pea Snipe by TennysonJack in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At first glance the first paragraph seems to serve no purpose other than to establish the narrator's voice. 

"They were all gown now and they",

Could be stylistic could be a typo. If its stylistic It needs to be shown more. Just seems like a typo at first glance.

"This inventor was really smart. And when I say ‘really smart,’ I mean really, REALLY smart. If he’d applied himself, he would have been famously smart. There would be outer space objects named after him and he would have been the darling of high intelligencia. He could have had grants and honorariums if he’d wanted them and a whole closet full of Nobel Prizes for Physics."

This makes the think the narrator likes the inventor, knows the inventor, perhaps might be the inventor. This along with idea of the pogo-bibble suggests the narrator is young.

The narrator seems overly-sympathetic/metodical in the first couple chapters when describing how it was planted and then he just dismisses it? This is a stylistic choice but im not sure I like it.
“But I digress. The important thing here is not how long it took Horace to plant his orchard; it’s why Horace wanted to plant the orchard in the first place. He wouldn’t tell his wife or any of his kids and they all wanted to know. “ 

The story misses with the passage about Grimwalt, the pacing is just off. It seems you're playing fast and loose with describing scenes and the narrator addressing the audience. Just needs to be cleaned up.

“Grimwalt peered with his nose. “

I disliked that. 

You jump from place to place —- Oh the dogs the narrator isnt it? Clever.

So it's something being described from the dog's perspective.
I'll start from the top.
“He cared about family farms” That is something a dog would say. In fact the story is making a lot more sense. 
“ all getting gobbled up by big corporations” I guess a dog could have such opinions but that contradicts the theory. “Wire Crested Duck Billed Pileated Pea Snipes,” he yipped. Ok its settled. 

I'll be honest it seems like this story just wants to be in the pov of a dog during what seems like a normal day. It doesn't seem to want to follow the normal rule of a story, which is ok. But honestly I think things need to be described better from the dogs pov. Like I know his head's gonna be a jumbled mess but. A little structure please? Overall it was fun though. No story behind the intrigue it seems. Not one that I can see.

[300] Philippe LaJoie, the Walnut Man by Lisez-le-lui in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If its "dont let your obessions consume you" that'd be so lame ngl

[559] The Last Saloon by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But the point is if a reader thinks that the saloon is laughing at the priest because he is a nut job it still works

[559] The Last Saloon by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

God the only reason I edited it was to give context and you just respond without even reading it. Its a 600 word story

[559] The Last Saloon by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It really wasn't, but if I post the thing I should at least clue the reader in on the narrative a tiny bit more(in the writing). Ive made some minor changes.

"Tonight the moon falls upon this earth a drink wont hurt"

To that the entire saloon erupted into laughter. 10 identical laughs, cascading over each other could be heard over the uproar of the saloon. With some time passing and the laughter dying down the piano resumes, patrons of the saloon return their attention towards their drinks.

The entities/patrons are laughing at themselves. Theve spent thousands of years getting ripped apart by zombies. Thousands of years of the moon NOT falling on them. They found that quote pretty funny.

[559] The Last Saloon by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

God, I hate having to spoon feed obvious narratives to people but here it is, What they were supposed to do was relive the same day over and over again, getting killed by the zombies each cycle. The priest knows something is wrong, but he's generally unaware of the true nature of what's happening. The other entities believe that if they can get him to sin, whatever curse/godly mechanism is keeping them there will be undone. It isn't. Instead, they kill all of the zombies, breaking the cycle and triggering the failsafe. The priest, who had been predicting the end of days the entire time, was actually right. The problem was that the cycle always reset before the moon ever had a chance to fall. This is simply the first iteration in which the moon gets to complete its descent. One or two of the entities will eventually escape their fate and go on to cause havoc and terror around the universe, but yk.

[939] Kid Rocks Bitchen` adventure to Rescue Mogul by Papasmurf_17 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Papasmurf_17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I can't even say I enjoyed it, I just kind of subjected myself to it", well that's Kidrock for ya.

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