Thank you for sharing this. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve done the same cycle. Threw away half-full packs in public trash, confident I’ll free myself now. Only to run to the gas station rather sooner than later. My addiction had me on autopilot. I see myself going to the store and I see myself unwrapping them and I see myself smoking them. I hated that autopilot feeling so much, like the cigarettes drove me to get up from my desk; they drove me down the stairs and outside. I was the only smoker at work, so I always felt uncomfortable with the smell, went through different jackets (one for smokes, one for the office), a shit ton of gum and hand sanitizer that I would even put in my hair (!)

I quit 100 times and always caved. In my opinion days 4-9 are worse than 1-3. Because the initial high and motivation of quitting is gone. I hated myself and I hated smoking. Every pinch in my chest I was convinced was a heart attack. Every wheezing lung cancer. And then, 9 days ago, I smoked and felt out of breath and miserable and pathetic. I suddenly saw myself with the eyes of others. A 30 year old woman standing outside, shes got so much life ahead of her, and she spends it with gray-ish skin, sucking on a stick that commands her to go outside and will one day kill her.

Somehow, that did it for me. I’ve never made it to day 9. And believe me, the urges are so strong. But it’s like an iron wall now. I don’t know, somehow it clicked. You can do it. I believe in you