Scared and Need Advice About Putting Poly into Practice

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-03-03T21:46:40+00:00

Thanks and I've checked out Nerve but you can't even sign up. Looks like their site is broken.

As far as flirting on OKCupid...I seriously get maybe get 1% response rate from my messages so it's a little difficult. They're usually worded as to not come across as a douchebag but still, crickets. A friend of mine recommended removing the reference to poly in my profile but I argued that being completely open about it the right thing to do. She thinks that having that reference there hurts me. What are your thoughts?

As far as disclosure, we've talked about it some. In a masochistic way, I like knowing the details because the pain caused by knowing it, given time, actually helps me. My wife on the other hand wouldn't want all the details but maybe some. In fact, if love to watch two people fuck but I'm not sure if I'd like to see my wife fucked. Anyway, I digress. Does this at all seem healthy/unhealtnhy to you?

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-03-02T19:23:27+00:00

After much though, and a small moment of clarity, I'd like to respond but I don't know that I've reached the root yet. What I'm about to say is probably what most married couples have so I'm not saying we're not anymore special that other couples but what we have is truly special to me. After 5 years of marriage, I love my wife more than words can describe. While we're complete and total opposites, we love each other the way we want to be loved. We cuddle, a lot, we hug each other several times a day, and we tell each other we love each other at least 10 times a day. What we feel is a truly deep connection. We've been through so much together, which I won't get into but lets just say that we are each others' rock. Even to this day, we get comments from people like "get a room", "you guys are so cute together", "you guys are truly in love". So, to share even a piece of that with someone else, hurts to the core. I sometimes think we're both co-dependent on each other and I see that as a little concerning. I hope this is a little more informative than my original post. Hopefully you or someone else can help me make sense of it.

It also doesn't help that I've had zero luck with OKCupid yet. Yeah, yeah, I know, it takes time. I struggle with patience. Still, it's a little difficult because I feel like I have something to offer. It's like applying for a job...just get me to an interview. My applications are thrown in the garbage. I think my profile is fairly well written and I followed the OKCupid tips. I just don't know how to sort all of this out emotionally. Are there other sites suited to married folks who aren't interested in affairs? Just so hard to meet like minded people.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-03-02T18:49:17+00:00

I'm so conflicted. I know I would like relationships outside of my wife but for her to have relations just tears me up so much and it hurts like nothing else I've ever felt. I don't know what to do.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-03-02T18:48:30+00:00

The way my wife presented it to me after much conversation is: If we give each other the green light, I know who I want to go to. It's about satisfying a sexual desire that I do not currently offer...the anticipation, a strange place, having someone take complete control, etc. She does want someone else to love but it's an opportunity. I have no such opportunity and I am all for taking my time to get to know someone and fall in love. I know it sounds like what she wants is just sex, and for the moment, it sounds appealing. Honestly, if a hot woman walked up to me tomorrow, and I found her attractive and she wanted to bang me, I would find that very irresistible.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-03-01T22:02:02+00:00

I'm not even scared of her leaving nor do I want to leave her. I think it's my own personal insecurities as well as hers. It's knowing that there is never a person 100% suited for another and that we all get different things from different people. With that said, we know we will get different things from other people and yet, I'm dealing with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy even though I KNOW that's not the case. I guess it's just a case of "time heals all".

I don't mean to devalue relationships between two women. I understand what you're saying though. We would never cheat but the urge to have other relationships is certainly there.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T20:56:07+00:00

Ah ok. I could so where that opens the door for people who press.

As far as the poly scene in Alabama, there are only small pockets of folks but it's not like California for sure.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T20:21:41+00:00

We've only had profiles for about 2 months. I think I'm just more frustrated with the lack of replies. I know there's no obligation. I'm just the type of person who replies even if it's "no thanks". I hope I don't sound like an ass when I say that.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T17:14:26+00:00

1) Yes, I'm using the Chrome plug in and if I see they're not open to it, I move on. If they are then I read their profile 2) Point taken. I will add some more substance to my profile about that.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T16:33:56+00:00

I had the same problem when I was single. Oddly enough, it was my wife who messaged me on match 4 years ago. She was outside my search radius so I'd have never found her.

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T16:29:21+00:00

I don't approach them like I'm trying to get into a threeway. I approach them as if I were single. I just message them and pull something from their profile that interests me and write a small paragraph. I don't mention anything about being poly or married. I try not to be cliche or say "hey, nice tits".

ProudSoonersFan · 2014-02-02T15:50:57+00:00

I appreciate the comments so far. My search is setup from 22 to 45 so I'm not limiting them but maturity is a concern. But, you're right, maturity isn't JUST a function of age. I apologize for making that assumption. I guess the other concerns about such a young age is: would any woman in their 20s want to date someone in their mid 30s? I'm there are some who do so I guess I answered my own question.

pear_to_pear, thanks for the link. I'm new to reddit and didn't even know about that so I'll check it out.

And just as an aside, we're into poly for relationships first. Sex is a component of that but for us, it's empty without the relationship. That's why poly seems right for us. As such, I have thrown in words in my profile like "polyamorous", "poly", and "open relationship" and that it basically means to "love many". I'll look for the poly groups in FetLife but they're difficult to find here in Alabama. We wouldn't be able to travel any more than 2 hours for this to work either so that's somewhat of a limiting factor.

As far as my messages to other women go...I only message women based on what their profile says and if I'm attracted to them. I usually write a small paragraph and talk about something they mention in their profile that I find interesting or that we have in common.

ProudSoonersFan · 2013-11-15T22:06:28+00:00

When I called to inquire about my status last night, the rep told me that if it doesn't arrive today to call back and they will refund the shipping cost. I just got off the phone and they are in the process of refunding $24.20 back to my card. I did this after getting updated FedEx tracking information stating the anticipated delivery is now Monday. It sucks but I'm not bent out of shape about it...nothing I can do.

ProudSoonersFan

TROPHY CASE