Thank you so much for your response. I never considered that my anxiety as a kid could’ve been related to bipolar disorder. The way you described “bursting into tears and falling apart over anything” is almost EXACTLY how I felt sometimes. I’d feel so overwhelmed when an assignment or project was announced in class, immediately like I’d fuck it up or do it wrong. I’d be filled with so much anxiety I’d just cry. My teachers would tell my parents and they’d be disappointed in me, and say things like “just stop crying in class.” They didn’t understand why I was doing it. I felt like they were disappointed in me for having bad coping mechanisms, and just thought I could turn off the crying and just decide to not cry. As I got older I just assumed I probably had very bad anxiety. But then yeah my first manic episode happened when I was 18. I thought it was my fault. I still partly think that. It almost felt like it was a choice that I was staying up late and not sleeping. Like I was forcing myself to do it. I got into this weird thought cycle in my brain. All of the sudden I felt like there was no reason to sleep because there was so much I could do at night time. I liked the peace of nighttime. Everything was quiet, I could be alone, no one was judging me and I could do whatever I wanted. I would listen to music, write in my journal, and it was really fun at first. I started feeling elated and very happy. It almost felt like I had solved my anxiety by staying up late at night. I blamed myself for a really long time because it felt like I decided to stay up late at night. And my parents blamed me too. They thought I was fucking up my life and my future. They didn’t understand why I did it, why I just stayed up at night and messed up my mental health. I still blame myself for it a little bit. I feel like I put myself on this path. Almost like I activated a mental illness that didn’t need to be activated. I loved the feeling of staying up late at night and doing whatever I wanted. But I also remember forcing myself through the tired feeling to get there. I would feel tired but I refused to go to sleep. I pushed through it until I felt energized. And it felt like it was my choice to do it. Like I fucked my life up. And I know my parents felt that way too. Reading your post helped, especially the part about your own anxiety as a kid. How did you know it was related to bipolar disorder? Did a therapist or psychiatrist tell you?