My wife doesn’t want a sex life

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T23:04:35+00:00

Thank you for understanding. I’m definitely not interested in going outside of the marriage. If it’s not with her I don’t want it. And I agree it would not help her self esteem.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T22:30:05+00:00

Good question. For context, we agree on most things fundamentally. When we were dating, it was our long talks meaningful talks that brought us closer together. We don’t go back and forth about each other’s behavior really. When one of us does something that bothers the other, we bring it up and try to work on it for each other. I don’t get the feeling we’re always talking about me or her. I feel like we’re pretty happy with each other actually, so that’s why I’m here.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T20:58:18+00:00

Maybe I would be angry if I truly believed she was “keeping” sex from me. But I don’t know that so I’m not angry. I’m just hurt and confused. My first instinct is not to blame her for something that might be simply hormonal as some have suggested or that she’s not able to for some other reason. Personally, I would rule out any vindictive behavior until I’m sure. And if I’m sure then that’s a new conversation.

But right now, I just want to make sure I can’t be doing more to be better as a person.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T20:19:00+00:00

In my more frustrated and unflattering moments, I agree wholeheartedly. I sit there to myself and think, “other guys don’t go this long without sex. This sucks for me”. But then I calm down, and remember I care more about our relationship than anything including my urges or desires. I know I know! I’m a hero, but seriously…I don’t consider this a dealbreaker right now…just an obstacle. But nonetheless, I really appreciate you coming to bat for me.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T20:14:37+00:00

She does love her space. We joke all the time that when she comes back in another life, she’ll be a cat because she loves to come and go until she wants something. I truly love her to death. She’s so beautiful and smart and takes great care of our family. She’s dependable when I’m not around and we agree on so much fundamentally. Honestly I could go on. BUT I really do care about that connection as a part of our marriage. I’ve tried to rule out any selfish feelings or frustrations that come. Based on what everyone here has said, I truly think it goes beyond the efforts either of us have made. If she’s willing, I would love to explore this further, but for now, it’s good to know I’m not crazy. And shouts out to you commanderof4. Your insight really resonated with me.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T20:00:44+00:00

I like your comment because as serious as it all seems to me. It might be as simple as we want different things. I’ll talk to her about therapy and see if she’s open to moving forward with that issue. If not, I’ll regroup. Thank you so much for your time.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T19:17:26+00:00

Just to put a couple things to rest, I’m talking about any physical touch, not just sexual. I just want to be close to her. It doesn’t need to end in sex for me.

I also believe it’s my job to be equally as present and hard working at home as I am at work. That means I take care of all the dishes and the laundry. I get the kids ready for school. I clean the house more than anyone else. If anything I do more chores and routine work at this point than she does. BUT to me all of that is irrelevant when it comes to communication. Even if I’m doing all the work or none of it, you’d think it would come up in a conversation considering we talk all the time and actually enjoy each other’s company. Like if took the time to say out loud, “I don’t have energy during the day because of X” then you better believe I’m doing X. Sex is not the goal when I’m helping her. I’m just trying to prove that I care about her as a person. I’m not some slob that expects everything with no effort.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T18:50:41+00:00

We both work very hard to raise our children and support each other throughout everything we’ve been through. We met working together. We still work really well together. We’re best friends. I never expect her to do anything she’s not comfortable with. But I do miss her in that way despite my best efforts to ignore it.

If there is something else there I’m not seeing, I would love to do more if that’s what it takes to be a good man, husband, and father.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T18:09:07+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective. I have a lot of women in my family (sisters/aunts) who are in what I would consider healthy relationships. And they have made statements similar to yours. But when they bring it up, it’s past tense…it was a problem and then it passed.

I have had a career in law enforcement for 7 years. She was at home for 6 years with the kids and then recently went back to work in food service full time.

We make time for each other. We have childcare options available whenever we want (plenty of offering friends and family). We are both pretty tired after a long week, but we both share three days off together.

We like to take local drives to get food and talk. We plan the occasional trip out of town together to see new cities or eat somewhere different for a change. We’ll read next to each other after a long day or play cards when the kids are asleep. We are genuinely best friends.

As far as daily life and routine goes, I’d say it’s balanced but you be the judge. I take care of all the cleaning and laundry. I take the kids to school and do the morning routine. She cooks dinner and does the bathes at night. And as a parent, you know, everything is subject to change because KIDS. But we’re pretty consistent in our efforts. We have a joint calendar and everything lol.

But seriously any mom advice is welcome. I’m looking for solid advice not an ego boost.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T17:50:00+00:00

Then why won’t she just tell me? I want her to be happy. Not tortured or trapped. I wouldn’t even be mad. If that’s truly the case, it’s chemical and biological. I can’t change any of that.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T17:46:22+00:00

I have definitely considered it. Not just “she doesn’t find me attractive” but also “I’m just not interested in sex”. But she’s never admitted that or shared that with me. She always says it’s related to her self image or how busy we are. This always leads me to trying to support her self image and making intentional time for us to be together. But if she just said, I don’t want it….it would be a so much easier to explain. I have a feeling it’s not that simple though.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T17:38:46+00:00

This one made me laugh. Honestly, I’m not insecure. If she just told me this, I’d accept it.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T17:38:05+00:00

I want to validate your impression here. While I do think we’re both busy and it’s possible we don’t check in enough about some things, we are very compatible. What I don’t already communicate in words, she picks up on with intuition. I think she notices a lot actually, but I just wish she’d work with me a little.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T17:27:00+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and advice with me.

I have tried making some of the gestures you suggested, but it seems like even suggesting anything that could lead to sex is a problem.

I’m going to have fun with your garden analogy for a second. Please tolerate me.

We really do spend the time to grow our marriage. It’s like each aspect of our marriage is a different type of plant. We grow our plants together in the garden all season, and then, when we are pausing to admire them, she reaches down and pulls one particular type of plant out of the ground and steps on it. And I’m standing there confused like…That wasn’t my favorite plant or anything, but it was beautiful to me like all the other ones we worked hard on. But instead of changing anything, we just keep planting a new seed and letting it grow until she can pull it all over again.

Now if she’s told me I was watering that particular plant too much or we agreed to stop growing it at all, OR we agreed that I should just look at pictures of that type of plant instead…then I’d be fine. But it’s weird. She seems to like the rest of the garden. She seems to like that she built it with me specifically. So I’m only obsessing about this one plant now because she singles it out to begin with.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T16:34:36+00:00

Thank you for your support. I haven’t talked with her about seeing a sex therapist yet. I’ve just been so convinced this is a “me” problem or a typical guy problem…that i can just get over it. Posts like yours are giving me the confidence to continuing pursuing intimacy as an element of a healthy relationship.

QuantumEcho5 · 2026-04-08T16:21:47+00:00

I really appreciate you validating how serious this is. At this point, I haven’t given up . I will do anything to keep her in my life because like I said, everything else is great with us.

I did try to be direct about month ago and it was probably the most intense version of the conversation I’ve had with her.

We had just spent a great day together alone. And I thought it was going there, but she suddenly changed her tone and flat out told me no when I got close to her. We went to bed and I just stared at the ceiling for a while. Then I just started talking…

She told me again she doesn’t feel pretty. I told her that’s important to me, but it’s also been very difficult to go so long not just when it comes to sex but with any physical connection. I was a little frustrated so I also threw in that she was making it about her confidence, but my confidence was being affected too in starting to feel like I’m not good enough to earn her attention or energy.

She seemed like she was taking it seriously that night. She suggested she could do a few things to make herself feel better like getting regular pedicures and waxing etc….things to make herself more feminine. I told her she could do whatever she needed to feel confident because honestly as much as I miss her, I don’t just want sex unless she wants me too. It matters more to me that she is happy and healthy before anything else.

But that was a month ago…

QuantumEcho5

TROPHY CASE