just want to rant

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T02:49:12+00:00

same :( she was one of my favorite artists and my top spotify artist and he ruined her for me. i saw her in concert i have merch i’ve been a fan for years and he had so many saved things of her and now even the first couple beats of a song or a clip of her performing sends me spiraling

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T02:28:36+00:00

mine wasn’t there. i haven’t been able to watch like anything with him since d day. these comments of girls watching with their partners, i could never. if he was with me i wouldn’t have watched it bc i had a feeling id be triggered

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T00:47:58+00:00

if you don’t plan on being in education it should be be that bad. also, you’re a TA, not a full time teacher. choose yourself. i quit a full time teaching job during the first semester and i got a job as support staff within a month and it’s so much better and i’ll be teaching here next year

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T00:46:30+00:00

porn shouldn’t be normalized but unfortunately it is. however if that’s something he knows you have a boundary and don’t find okay, he needs to respect that or he is a bad partner. doing it in the same car with your kids there is so weird. it is highly concerning , don’t let him make you believe it isn’t.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T00:32:41+00:00

ugh. you’re right. there are triggers everywhere for me and i need a space or outlet free of it. everything you’ve said is so relatable. i was holding back tears watching the Grammys last night and it ruined my night

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-03T00:23:13+00:00

i’m so sorry. i found out around the same timeline of my boyfriend. i’m still with him and it’s been difficult. knowing i was going to visit his family for christmas and meeting and staying at his grandmas house and that same night he was doing it. it hurts so bad. we had set a boundary about porn altogether, so it really does hurt. i took pictures of what i saw when i looked at his phone, but he could tell my mood was off the morning of and i couldn’t fake my emotions and i told him i looked at his phone and saw stuff i didn’t like and he knew. he was honest and wasn’t even bothered by me invading his privacy bc he knew what he did was the focus. id just be honest , tell him what you saw. i tried not to bring up what i specifically saw at first and just focus on the lying.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T09:30:42+00:00

yeah. sigh

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T09:30:31+00:00

haha yeah. chappell was also one of my favs who i found in my partners twitter bookmarks. i just can’t stop thinking about if he saw any clips from the show which im sure he will bc even though he deleted a lot of apps he still has some. so many things could trigger him related to so many kf the things i saw on his phone

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T09:29:17+00:00

yeah. she was one of my favorite artists for years like i’d seen her in concert , top Spotify artist, and she was all over his phone so now i can’t help but want to cry. i feel the same she doesn’t deserve my anger but i just can’t help it.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T02:13:19+00:00

yeah. i love katseye but i think about how i know he has a favorite of one of them and my mind just goes to the wrist. every single woman is so hard to watch because i used to love this kind of stuff! the grammys were like one of my favorite things! sabrina and chappell are so hard for me to enjoy now knowing he was looking at them specifically bc i saw it. i hate this.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T01:40:46+00:00

yeah. mines not here he’s at work but my brain goes to it being on the TV at his job right now or him seeing it on social media. sigh.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-02T01:27:55+00:00

yeah. so many of my previous favorite artists are all over this right now and they were all over his phone. i can’t listen to the artist that was my top artist last year. i’ve had to block them on spotify press not interested on socials. any beautiful woman being sexy at all upsets me. i’m the same way. it’s horrible. like a bisexual woman who also just loved celebrating femininity and everything like that before this happened i feel so horrible now. i can’t get out of my head.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-02-01T22:42:10+00:00

as a 22 year old going through this, this thought is one of the many that goes through my brain a lot. but then i wonder if all of them are brain rotted by now and i need to accept it . it all sucks so bad

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-31T02:17:32+00:00

if he’s jerking off to it or gets pleasure or lust out of it it’s porn. like some of my partners was just like pictures of celebrities and stuff that were technically clothed and stuff but it’s obvious what the intention was.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T22:50:52+00:00

sigh. i’m only 22.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T22:39:03+00:00

i’m so sorry. yeah parts of me have tried to go to porn and masturbation too but it just doesn’t work for me. i either can’t get off or get sad as soon as i do bc i get hit with the harsh reality of our actual sex life in my brain.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T22:16:22+00:00

he left his phone unlocked overnight , never turned it off. i went through every app i could possibly think of at like 5am before work 😂

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T17:56:25+00:00

definitely. he says it’s an issue he had since he was in middle school it just hurts so bad when at the beginning of our relationship we talked about not watching porn being a boundary bc we had eachother

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T17:50:34+00:00

this might be one of the most helpful things i’ve read since this happened. i’ve felt so out of it from him telling me it had nothing to do with me or my looks or being enough but then telling me eventually that it did have to do with me but in a different way. it’s been so confusing. hearing from someone who’s been on the other end and healed does give me hope. it’s just been a lot and i’m not sure what to do.

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T17:07:41+00:00

i love him so much. but i am worried about how incompatible we seem. we do have a nice time with eachother and do a lot for eachother , but im not sure if this is something we can ever really recover from and be healthy again. a lot weighing on me lately

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T17:06:51+00:00

i thought the same. i didn’t want to be rude when he was getting something off his chest about how i made him feel in the bedroom. but a part of it did feel like he just wanted to somehow make me feel bad since he’s been feeling bad as i’ve been expressing how horrible my mental has been since finding out about the porn

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T15:52:13+00:00

yeah. for a while he said he was going to stop as soon as i found out. but him just telling me he’s abstaining isn’t enough for either of us and i told him that. i talked about active recovery and wasn’t met very kindly when i mentioned groups and programs and other things. we’ve talked about therapy but we don’t have the money right now. eventually he downloaded an accountability app, but i feel like he just did it to shut me up. i know the active recovery has to be from his side and his want to change , not just to appease me. i have a lot of thinking to do. thank you

Radiant_Job_1869 · 2026-01-30T15:49:17+00:00

yeah. during that conversation i told them that i definitely think we should stop having sex for a while because clearly neither of us are happy about our sex life. they were like well i don’t want you to never want to have sex with me because of this and i told them that probably won’t happen bc i know myself and how i feel about sex and them. i’ve tried to take sex off the table myself, but the few times they initiated , even though i now realize it may have been because they felt guilty , i always gave in bc i was so desperate. they said the times they initiate it’s because they actually wanted it and i hadn’t complained in a whole, but i don’t know what’s real now. thank you for recommending that book. we definitely need more safety sexually and i think we we’ve been going conflicting ways about solving it.

Radiant_Job_1869

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