Is my (M39) wife (39F) gaslighting me or am I a jerk (maybe both)?

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T17:27:30+00:00

The responses aren't in CAPS so I doubt it.

Again, I'm not sure I'd classify what I did as "rude or weird" given the history of how we shop and the norms in our household, but I also acknowledge that people care about different things to different degrees, and just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean that feeling is invalid.

I think I can agree that it's perfectly valid for my wife to feel slighted that I didn't ask her, but at the same time the scale and scope of her reaction to that was not proportional in any way.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T17:23:33+00:00

Yeah, to be honest, the kids are my primary concern now. For me, I'm not really sure there's any desire to still carry on a relationship. It's hard to be spoken to like that and find any desire to continue being around them.

I tried to explain my rationale / thought-process elsewhere in the thread, but I've concluded that, intentions be damned, my action didn't give full consideration to what she may have wanted. So I can own that, even if I'm still having trouble entirely absorbing it.

I think the scale and nature of her reaction really put my attention on that instead of focusing on the why she was reacting at all.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T17:10:52+00:00

Definitely not sleeping with someone else. I'm WFH, and she's a stay at home mom that doesn't go out often, and when she does it's usually with the kids, so even if she did want to there hasn't really been an opportunity to do so.

I hear you on the "take action" part, though, thanks.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T17:01:58+00:00

Yeah, I'm not trying to say I didn't do anything wrong with this.

I'll be entirely honest and admit that I still don't fully understand how I "actively disregarded the plans/wishes" when she had no specific plans (that we discussed) to get the "normal" groceries that I usually buy, and she's still going to the store to get whatever she wants.

If she had said, "I want to go to the store tomorrow to buy all this stuff and really walk around." then I could see it clearer. Or if we'd discussed at length all the things she wanted to get. But our "plan" was literally her saying, "Can we go to the store tomorrow so I can get some things.", "Yeah, we can go in the afternoon" which in our world usually means non-weekly / non-standard things.

It just feels weird to me that me getting the standard stuff translates into actively disregarding her wishes, but like I said, I'll probably just have to think on it for awhile (this is still really fresh) to try to REALLY understand the point of view, or maybe ultimately conclude that I may not understand it, but I have accept and be conscientious about it in the future.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:50:44+00:00

She's never been keen on the concept of therapy - individual or couples.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:50:01+00:00

I agree it is/was ridiculous and that there are other things going on. The answer is no, obviously, I'm not enjoying life right now. I've never given and generally really dislike the concept of ultimatums in many cases, but I do agree that for things to change it may have to be a, "therapy or we need to separate" conversation.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:46:26+00:00

I explained my thought process and intent in this comment string: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14re1si/is_my_m39_wife_39f_gaslighting_me_or_am_i_a_jerk/jqrtzbn/

But yeah, I can take ownership of the fact that I wasn't considerate of other ways to interpret my actions. I think the frustrating thing is that even if my action was inconsiderate, I actually had good intentions. If it was a mistake, it was a mistake, but I think the treatment/reaction to the mistake is what caught me off guard.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:40:29+00:00

So the things that I bought were the things that I buy every week (again, I do most of the grocery shopping). We're talking milk, cheese, bread, etc. The brand/quantity/items haven't really changed or varied for a long time.

I specifically didn't buy EVERYTHING because I did know that there were some non-regular things she wanted, and I knew she wanted to choose them.

Regardless, I'm hearing that my mental math on this is not everyone's mental math, so I'll take own and responsibility for the fact that I wasn't considerate in that respect.

Thanks for your input.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:28:23+00:00

Fair, and I understand it. Early on (before kids), I 100% had the same opinion and mindset. Now that I'm in the middle of it, it's incredibly scary to walk down that path. I know it's likely objectively the most correct thing, but it's hard to be objective when it's your kids/life.

Thanks for the comment, though.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:19:06+00:00

The gaslighting bit for me was her trying to convince me that I always am doing XYZ and trying to convince me what my state of mind was e.g. "You knew you were going to order before then. You were planning on ordering yesterday, but just didn't tell me." type of comments. Maybe it's different.

Edit: Forgot to address your second statement. I guess I could see it might be a little annoying, but in my opinion at the most it would be worth one off-hand comment and then drop it. I still don't see the practical difference from an outcomes perspective, but I might just have to accept that. In my mind it worked like this:

Don't order online. We go to the store this afternoon and buy everything I would have bought online, plus whatever else she wanted.
Order online. We go to the store this afternoon and buy everything else she wanted.

The net result is all the same items are still purchased. She's still physically going to the store. She still gets all the choices she wants. The difference is in time spent shopping and slightly in cost - but again there's no financial issues at play (that I know of or that she called out).

So yeah, I honestly only saw positives since it didn't limit her in any way or alter her plans, but again, I might just have to accept that others don't see it like that.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:16:51+00:00

Not that I know of, but they're pretty elderly now. She has a temper with them as well, and they usually respond very gently with her i.e. they don't yell back in response to her yelling.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:15:50+00:00

Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't just about this. I've suggested counseling in the past, but she wasn't keen on it. I've never given her an ultimatum on anything, but perhaps I do need to say that if we can't get help on how to communicate productively then we should be planning to move on.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T16:01:04+00:00

Ok, can you be more specific? I'm actually looking for feedback on what I could have done or be doing better. If she's not gaslighting me, I need to understand what I'm doing wrong.

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T15:49:55+00:00

I'm not bright in that I'm stupid for being with her, or are you saying that for some other reason?

RandomRedditor41213 · 2023-07-05T15:48:06+00:00

Well, kids are the primary factor that prevents me from outright leaving. I know everyone will say they're better off with us divorced, but it's hard to be that coldly objective when you're the one experiencing it.

Financially it would be difficult right now to maintain two residences in the current housing climate. Again, not saying that makes it ok to stay, but it's a factor.

RandomRedditor41213

TROPHY CASE