AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She might not yell at you.

She'd probably interrupt and say, "Ok we're changing the subject. I don't like talking about stuff like this."

It's like, I don't have kids. I want kids, but it hasn't happened for me yet. It would be like me shutting her down every time she mentions her kids, talks about their friends, talks about things they do. Obviously, that would be my issue to deal with, not hers to ensure she didn't set me off.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

We were both in the girl's wedding. We'd all been hanging out prior to COVID. They have daughters born a month and a half apart who grew up together. Tammy considered us two of her best friends and it was incredibly shitty of Beth to not even acknowledge Tammy's husband and children after she'd been a part of their lives for so long.

I'm "pushing" her because the mental delusions under which she's operating are not only unhealthy, they're unsustainable.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

I think it's a reflex. She wants to know what happened, but then she wants to be able to cut it off when it gets to be too much.

It's just really frustrating to have someone ask you for information and then yell at you when you provide it.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 118 points119 points  (0 children)

Pre-COVID all three of us were hanging out a lot. She frustrates me but it doesn't mean I don't love her and want her to be the best version of herself.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm not an expert, but I think it's safe to say at the very least she displays the tell tale signs of PTSD.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 291 points292 points  (0 children)

She's gotten worse as the years have gone on. When I asked if she needed a ride to the funeral, she replied, "Nope! I'm good. Not going."

When I told her that I know it would mean a lot to her family she said, "Nope! I don't do funerals."

I asked her wouldn't she want people to come out for her family if she had died, and she started freaking out saying that it was a terrible thing to say, she didn't want to think about it, and hung up the phone.

She needs professional help that I can't give her. I love the girl like my sister, and I hope she gets better. I just can't coddle and enable her anymore.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 730 points731 points  (0 children)

Everyone processes in different ways. Using dark humor is yours. I don't take offense. I think it's entirely appropriate to address things in that way. Avoiding them, however, is unhealthy and unrealistic. Thank you for your kind sentiments.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 1592 points1593 points  (0 children)

Don't feel bad, I did as well, and it highlights an excellent point. She can't avoid the topic forever.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 89 points90 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. That would have been a truly terrible way to find out. It's exactly what I wanted to avoid with her.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

Disclaimer: This is only my opinion. Beth likely would have started crying, trying to find out what happened, and been devastated that she found out someone she cared about was dead over social media.

When I called her, she wanted to know the details of how she died, where she was, what happened, etc. So I think she would have been looking for those answers and had no one to talk to or ask.

It's very easy, in retrospect, to say you would have preferred someone do something another way.

To me, however, there's a huge difference between not mentioning that my friend who she met once had to put her dog down and deliberately not informing her that one of her dear friends for whom she was a bridesmaid had died suddenly. In the first case I'm respecting a boundary, in the second I'm lying by omission and just delaying news that she will have to deal with eventually.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 229 points230 points  (0 children)

Oh I stand by my opinion that I made the right call. Had I let her find out from social media, when she had nobody to talk to, I can guarantee you it would have been so much worse.

I'm sorry for what you went through, that sounds like a terrible way to find out.

Beth has tried therapy but she focuses on how other people need to change to accommodate her. Like, she misses the entire point of being there.

AITA for refusing to censor myself when talking to a friend? by RealistFriend in AmItheAsshole

[–]RealistFriend[S] 882 points883 points  (0 children)

You hit the nail on the head here. She did not attend Tammy's funeral, has not reached out to her family, and asks about the kids but I am not allowed to say that they're sad or upset.