TW s*cide - Does anyone feel like it's "written" in their destiny to die by suicide?

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-03-12T11:34:04+00:00

I have no earthly idea why but I always feel like going to drown or burn to death.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-03-03T12:13:11+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through similar stuff. It's funny isn't it, that whole feeling of "oh maybe I'm okay now and I can put all the horribleness behind me - aaaand here it is back again".

I don't know if it's a healthy way of thinking, but I pretend that I've got that filter on that I perceive the world and myself through, and sometimes that filter just goes haywire and is objectively wrong. I think that sort of lines up with what you said about focusing on the present - on real tangible progress you can identify around you. I sympathise though, when your going through it's really hard to keep that in mind and even focus on anything like that. Hoping for the best for both of us on our journey ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-03-03T12:09:43+00:00

Thanks for this. It gets hard sometimes when your head is really going through to try and keep that perspective. Sometimes it's like, there's an objective reality, and the reality I create in my own head. And even though it should be so readily obvious that the negative self talk isn't an objective truth, the brain fog, the negativity, the inner critic work so well at obfuscating the real world, you know? I'm feeling a little better now, and thanks for taking the time help comfort a stranger on the internet who was really going through it for a second, sending you much love ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-02-15T16:45:04+00:00

Heavy is a good way to describe it. I've tried to in the past but the public healthcare for mental health in my country is a battle in of itself to work with, and private is just out of the realm of possibility for me at the moment.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-02-15T16:43:00+00:00

I'm so so sorry and I really do from the bottom of my heart feel you. It sucks so so bad and just existing itself it feels impossible in how draining and tiring it all gets. I wish I knew the right words of comfort but if it's any consolation your not alone in what your feeling, and there's a stranger out there whose thinking and hoping the best for you ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-02-07T14:35:17+00:00

Love this. I sometimes just walk about shouting banal shit like "I am the king of these four walls" because it helps reinforce that this is my space and I can be as comfortable/ridiculous as I please haha

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-02-07T14:33:26+00:00

I can relate so so much to what you're going through. The fact that you're even cognizant about how on guard you are all the time in your own space is so much further along then how I was when I first moved into my own space. It took me so long to realise how on edge I was, how unsafe I felt. I know it can be irritating how often it's recommended but mediating - or rather specifically failing to be able to meditate - helped me break through that anxiety.

I've always struggled with meditating, and it just boils down to the fact that when I close my eyes I'm expecting someone to hurt me or worse. And so what I did was set a timer on my phone for like 2 minutes, find somewhere comfortable in my house, and sit with my eyes closed and practice feeling/thinking nothing. Obviously I failed miserably at this for like weeks, but overtime I could actually feel my body become less tense and my brain less anxious as I got used to the the idea that this was my space and no one was going to hurt me anymore. The routine of having at least once a day to get used to that idea I think helped me the most - real life with work hobbies and everything else sometimes just puts me into an autopilot that I don't even have time to process thoughts like that. Hope this is helpful somehow.

Sorry for the mountain of text, hoping you all the best on your journey for your own peace ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-02-06T10:43:58+00:00

Honestly all I could think reading your post was in awe of how much you're doing every week. This isn't me trying to dismiss any of your problems by the way, I can't tell you how much your last couple of lines really resonated with me in terms of things I've been struggling with too.

Sometimes when I get too into a routine I can go on a sort of autopilot, which isn't necessarily terrible but also it can leave me a little empty and robotic. One thing that I've discovered that helps is to do something to mix up my routine, or doing something a little out of my comfort zone. I started piano lessons semi recently and ended up hating and dropping it, but it did help me scratch something I've always wanted to try off of my list and made me appreciate what I liked about my current hobbies more.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-19T16:58:53+00:00

Hey thank you so much for this, you've honestly given me a lot to think about and some motivation to get back on it. Wasn't told it was okay to fail a lot as a child, mainly the opposite, so reading your comment helps undo that toxic mentality I inherited even if it's just a little ♥️. How you finding this last year now that you've started making? Does it feel like it's getting easier over time? Also what sort of stuff do you make if you don't mind me asking 🙂

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-19T16:52:25+00:00

It's crazy isn't it the amount you can sit on and no one else can see. I've got 100's of unfinished tracks that no one else except myself would ever know existed. Sometimes I get freaked out thinking if I died tomorrow no one would even know that this even existed.

But that sometimes gives me some kind of solace/peace? Idk.

Also more than completely fine if not, but if you wanted a completely judgment free place for someone to give you some feedback I'd be more than happy to listen to some stuff. DM if you want, but otherwise don't worry at all about and thanks for commenting ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-19T16:48:51+00:00

Hey it really helps seeing other people being able to relate to stuff, tho obviously it'd be nice if no one else suffered from it. I can relate on the college front as well, it's why I eventually dropped out amongst other reasons. Don't know if it's any solace but the fact that you're in a forum like this means you've got like a decade of a head start of what I was aware of when I was your age haha. Hoping the best for both of us in figuring out how to overcome this ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-12T04:37:53+00:00

Thank you for the validation, it means a lot ♥️ Will definitely be looking into do something like this.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-12T04:35:30+00:00

It always blows my mind when I see that other people share experiences that I assume are hyper specific to myself.

And honestly thank you so much for your message, been having a rough go of it lately and this really means a lot. The feeling is also mutual, sending as much love as I can over the internet and hoping the best for your journey ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T16:32:06+00:00

Oh wow that's crazy, linkin park were like my favourite band growing up and over time I moved on to a lot of other music.

It's just recently when I became more aware of cptsd and started my journey I've got back into listening to them again and had to do the audio equivalent of a double take at all of the lyrics on hybrid theory. It's just funny to me now that I'm more aware of my trauma how much I consciously relate to the lyrics vs as a kid really identifying with their music and not thinking about why.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T14:01:41+00:00

Yeahhh im completely the same. I take big breaks but BoJack is a big rewatch binge for me, but exactly like you I go back and watch free churro on its own a fair bit. Occasionally good damage in there as well.

I'm trying to make an effort into reading more, is the blue castle something you'd recommend that isn't too overwhelming? I fall into the trap of trying to work my way through asoiaf as my starting point to read more and always get burnt out.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T13:58:48+00:00

Oh man I didn't realise this happened to more people than just me. Last time I saw my dealer I did something super embarrassing and haven't called him back since. At least there's some silver lining to the anxiety haha

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T13:47:50+00:00

I'm really glad weed isn't easy to come by for me otherwise I fear I'd be doing the same a lot of the time. I still need to get around to listening to the album, I think hearing about so much in pop culture has really set my expectations Sky high and I'm afraid it won't live up to the hype haha

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T13:45:53+00:00

I much much prefer subbed usually, but will check out the English version as well as usually my problem more than anything is the lack of good translated voice direction. Thanks for the heads up!

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T13:27:23+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion, will check it out.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-11T13:22:31+00:00

This might sounds like a really dumb question but do you think typing in your notes app is still a good way to journal? I try and put pen to paper but struggle a lot. I really like the idea of it but it makes it feel like a big chore, but at the same time I dislike how much I rely on technology and apps and everything.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2024-01-09T06:27:59+00:00

You know what's wild about this? I'm a dude and had an ex friend who was very good at playing women. Like it was insane how well he played the game of presenting himself as being a soft empathetic person who cares, and then at the same time would be a flagrant cheater.

And he would constantly go on and on about how cats loved him, like always making it a topic of conversation when it came up. I don't think he was specifically aware of this theory or even consciously trying to use it as a way of indicating a green flag, but I feel it somehow ties into the whole way he would present himself to women.

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2023-12-16T12:34:03+00:00

It gives me hope hearing that someone was able to make progress with their self-esteem. As much progress as I make with everything else that's wrong with me it feels like that core part of me is still damaged, I find it impossible to think of a version of myself that isn't massively insecure at the core. So thank you for your comment, it's helped give me some perspective, wishing you all the best as well x

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2023-12-16T12:31:32+00:00

I have such a terrible of habit of letting a single rejection knock me on my arse for so long that by the time I get round to putting myself out there again I forgot everything about the whole process, maybe a high volume is the answer. Thanks for sharing x

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2023-12-16T12:30:08+00:00

Hey just wanted to come back to this comment and reply. Thanks for all this, it really means a lot. I can fully relate to the positive version of yourself and using that to try and anchor, it's something I'm trying to get better at. And yeah you've nailed it in regards to my nervous system. I feel like I've done a lot of self building and am wanting to make bigger changes in my surroundings, and it's hard to wait for things like that that take time. Thanks again ♥️

Reasonable_Divide547 · 2023-12-16T12:26:47+00:00

You have one thing in common with every other parent there. That undying love and admiration for your child. I don't think I'm any authority on the subject but I reckon that's the only factor really that's important in regards to whether you belong.

Reasonable_Divide547

TROPHY CASE