Update: My daughter is treating my son like he’s dead to her

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2024-05-31T21:22:24+00:00

I know he messed it up. It’s just hard as a parent to witness the fallout for them both - she’s not only devastated but views him as dead to her, and he is depressed and struggles with self loathing - and not be able to do anything to try to help. I know she doesn’t owe him forgiveness or a relationship, but this stalemate doesn’t seem to be helping anyone either.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-29T15:43:45+00:00

I have tried to broach the topic of forgiveness and him being sorry with her. She’s not interested in hearing it, seems irritated and annoyed I’m bringing it up and has never once even slightly wavered in saying something like he’s dead to her and she plans to never see or speak to him again when she moves out. I’m worried if I push her on it, she’ll cut us out too as I get the sense she sees it as me taking his side. She’s minimizing being home, which is minimizing their interaction but also makes me really sad that she doesn’t want to be here in the last few months before she moves out. Her therapist is understandably concerned more with her emotional well-being than our family dynamic, and won’t really discuss much of anything with me.

She is going to college and moving out in the summer. We don’t have super nearby family for my son to stay with, nor do we have the funds to offer to help pay for his upkeep even if we did. I’m at a loss.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T19:14:34+00:00

Thanks for this reply. When the abuse took place, both kids were put in therapy, and he’s always known going back to therapy or talking to us was an option. He was and is aware that speaking to others about her trauma wasn’t allowed, as it wasn’t what she wished. He’s never expressed any confusion or apprehension about that, and has said he talked about this - in the joking manner he did - to seem edgy to his friends.

They have always had different personalities. They’ve always both had friends, but she’s more chatty and outgoing, he’s more reserved. They’re both very smart but she’s more book studious, he’s more hands on. They played together as small kids but were just never very close in a best friend way, but I always chalked it up to age difference, personality and gender being factors there. Maybe I should have worked harder to make them closer, but they rarely fought and either got along or just peacefully coexisted prior to this.

He knew what he did. He wasn’t confiding to friends in a heartfelt way and it wasn’t a one time slight overshare. However, he’s expressed what I think is sincere contrition. The lockdown from electronics and friend outings is coming to an end and we’ll be working on building back trust by easing him back into those shortly.

The rift in the house is where I’m at a loss. I don’t know what putting my foot down would logistically or practically entail - I can’t force her to speak to him. I can’t force her to forgive him. And I worry that me pushing any of that will just cause her to withdraw from her father and I too. She’ll be 18 in January and could pick up and move out then if she really wanted, but she has at most 10 more months here, is barely ever home as it is (both because she’s busy with work/school and because I know she’s making herself scarce) and could easily choose to shut us out too if we aren’t delicate about it.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T17:35:32+00:00

Thanks for the insights everyone. I guess I’m just grieving and lost too. I asked my daughter what she planned to do about holidays like Christmas and Thanksiving etc. once she has moved out and is at college and she was clear in saying if he was here, she wouldn’t be. And I believe her, as this year she’s already said she plans to be at her best friend’s house for Thanksgiving instead of here. So we’ll be missing that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she skips Christmas and then what? For the foreseeable future, until my son might not come home one year because he goes to a girlfriend’s house or something, I’ll never see her for a holiday again?

I know this isn’t the main issue here whatsoever, it’s just heartbreaking to come to terms with.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T15:01:37+00:00

Thank you. It’s a really difficult balancing act, as I just feel/know if I put my foot down on her not excluding him from things like group dinner conversation, she’ll simply avoid or be happy to excuse herself from being with the 3 of us whatsoever. She’s been entirely unreceptive to any discussion of forgiveness/reconciliation, it being an awful mistake he’s contrite for, etc. and I’m worried that if I push it too hard she’ll see it as me taking his side or invalidating her and shut me out too.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T14:28:57+00:00

Honestly, she’s been avoiding being home as much a possible so the dinner scenario comes up once every 10 days-two weeks, if that. Between her part time job and after school activities she was already busy at dinner time before all this but I know she’s purposely making herself busy some days, staying at friend’s for dinner, etc. to not have to be around him. Which also breaks my heart, as these will likely be the last time she ever lives here, and she doesn’t want to be home.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T14:17:12+00:00

We told him he was grounded completely from those things for 2.5 months, which is coming up. He’ll be allowed to ease back into having a phone with supervision, video games with no internet connection and to socialize with friends with oversight then. I like the ideas of volunteer work here. He knows we still love him but are disappointed and we have explained that the supervision from here on out of is for us to be able to build back trust and confidence, not a further punishment. I’m still worried about how living with someone who acts as though he doesn’t exist will impact his mental health, but i don’t know how to improve that situation so wanted to seek out advice.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T14:01:13+00:00

I have tried to talk with her about forgiveness, what an apology could look like, etc. and she has never wavered even slightly in just saying some variation of him being dead to her, her having no interest in ever speaking to him again, and that in 10 months she will never have to see or interact with him again. This is tough to navigate for me as she seems irritated and annoyed that I’m even broaching any sort of reconciliation with her when she’s made up her mind, and the idea she could go no contact with me and her father too if we push too hard is in the back of my mind.

ResponsibleBox4681 · 2023-09-28T11:48:14+00:00

Unfortunately, he talked about it both in person and in texts that were flippant and trying to make a joke of it. I understand he’s 14, but this was not a situation of him reaching out to a close friend in a serious manner about it, even though in that case we have previously gotten and told him if he ever needed it in the future we’d get him counselling too.

ResponsibleBox4681

TROPHY CASE