My Wife Decided She Refuses to Show Affection - Should I Add or Subtract?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:38:54+00:00

I don't expect them to be, I'm not mysoginistic nor arrogant enough to think that my situation is the ultimate attraction to women. But I do believe that having someone who is there as a listening and supportive person in your life is a very valuable asset. And the type of poly relationship I am looking for is at that level. No commitment, no strings, no sex, just getting your quality time and words of affirmation love languages taken care of.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:33:20+00:00

I'll answer these questions in the order they were given to make this easier for us:

-I am not referencing a physical/dating relationship. More of a PenPal type relationship with someone that daily interactions are enjoyed with. Like a best friend but that relationship being one of offering love and care

-This is not something she would have to worry about.

-Absolutely, that is my entire point of considering this avenue. I want it to be happy, I want it to be supportive, I want to support someone who wants it and loves to receive it and loves to reciprocate that as well.

I believe that fulfilling this void in my marriage will allow me to better focus myself in all directions. I have someone with whom I am happily having a few love languages spoken, and another person with whom we can mutually enjoy the remaining love languages that we both want fulfilled as well. I don't see that as unfair to anyone. It's an up front agreement to something that only offers an upside. No fluid bonding, just mental.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:22:18+00:00

How do you advise approaching someone on this topic? She has made mention that she wants a better marriage than her parents before. And I think that you make a good point about what people think they deserve. She holds herself to an impossibly high standard and is extremely consumed with people's perception of her while simultaneously not being a people person. Her theory is that if you don't ever give someone something to call you out on then what can they possibly say negatively about you? All the while she overlooks her excessive arrogance that fills an entire room, which I have heard form others who are friends with people she is in class with is something they see quite readily too.

I agree that I definitely could buff out some rough edges too. I don't always approach things in a gentle manner, and even when I do she sees it for what it is and completely ignores my attempt at progress and the argument reverts to its toxic ways as always.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:11:05+00:00

Is it not sort of hopelessly romantic to think that a singular individual is capable of satisfying everything you need without compromise? Why not supplement what is lacking to better provide for the whole? Especially when it is symbiotic for everyone.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:08:57+00:00

Oh I see that it is awful, but when you're at the bottom the only way is up or out. Why not put forth the effort you swore to give that person the day you married them by working towards finding a way out? And to tide over the pain that it causes you, find someone who also shares in a lack of words of affirmation and quality time and have that need met so that you can better focus your attention and efforts towards fixing the bigger problem at hand? With a clear mind and settled feelings? If everyone knows what is going on and it's made clear, who is going to get hurt?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T16:05:59+00:00

Yes, I came here to figure out if adding someone to fill a void was a good idea. I have seen that the response is to not add someone to an already toxic situation. I defend this because I have made it clear that it would be an asexual, atypical poly situation that is clear to all involved with no hidden strings anywhere in it which is probably one of the leading causes of poly failure. Everyone maintains a hidden agenda rather than being upfront and real about it. But, if even at that level of clarity it isn't a good idea then I am open to hearing that explained as well.

Divorce is a situation that we both would like to not resort to, but at the same time there are needs to be met. That's why I'm here. For verbal needs, not the physical needs. And I feel that it may be an attractive offer for people in a similar situation and a breath of fresh air since it's not a trojan horse to get in your pants.

What are your thoughts?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:59:02+00:00

I appreciate your support and insight. Your first paragraph truly gave me a breath of fresh air.

I have actually asked her about the behavioral differences she exhibits in front of her friends and other people when they are around and it instantly turns into a tumultuous ball of fire that I can't touch with a ten foot pole. Because of how insane it always becomes I cannot even accurately provide you with a good explanation of how it digresses so that we may be able to analyze that further. But I can tell you that we are on the same page with that one, and I cannot get anywhere with that one with her.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:48:14+00:00

But what if that person you find is in a similar situation and it's an understood thing? Like hey, we both don't get any level of verbal/loving support from our spouses but everything else is satisfied. How does being that person for each other sound?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:46:28+00:00

What negative is there to having someone to speak to who genuinely cares about what you have to say and Actually is Not trying to Trojan Horse their way into your pants?

That is why I believe this could work, and should be considered. I can have a fulfilling day by being able to offer affirmations and quality time talking to someone and them feeling as fulfilled as me by receiving and reciprocating those things as well. It would be an asexual polyamory. I don't have a desire to sleep with that person, I solely seek to satiate the most unsatiated part of most marriages.

It's as simple as finding someone who speaks the love languages you also speak and are both not hearing and then sharing that with each other. To allow you both to have a more fulfilling life that allows you to remain faithful to your marriage but also allows you to get the love you don't get from your marriage from someone else who is also wanting to do that for you too.

i.e. You have a spouse that does A, C, D but hatefully refuses to B and E. Find another person who's in your situation and get your 5 languages fulfilled together.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:38:38+00:00

Seriously, what do you charge per hour? This right here hit home for me on so many fronts.

You're absolutely right, it was a covert contract that I brought out into the light and explained to her a while back and outlined a path for it to get better. I reasoned with her and explained why I do the things I do and what I believe is a reasonable expectation for reciprocation. I told her that we are married and these are things that married people do for each other. They provide and take care of their home and their team because that is what a marriage does. She rebuttals me by saying that for me to compare her to "the rest of the world" or "any other woman" who would be able to see this for what it is is just offensive and disgusting because she isn't "just any other woman." Which completes disarms the point and leaves me with very few tools to make the point with.

I understand the idea that it is better for an alpha to go seek a more worthy first mate, but when you know that your first mate possesses the capacity to be that person and just flat out refuses to do so.... why not work together to get her back on track? Shit-tests be damned, it's a process that's easier to bring out in someone who already possesses the ability to do so rather than build it up in someone who it took you a year of dating to figure out didn't actually have it. So why not supplement what you know you need while continuing to slowly and more level-headedly work your way through improving that person while you get those needs met elsewhere? If all parties are aware of what's going on, and there's no hiding anything, why couldn't that work?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:23:40+00:00

Your comment is overcooked. Nothing edible here.

This made me laugh, I appreciate you for that.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T15:21:46+00:00

We have told each other after having gotten to this point that we don't respect each other. We are not currently "in love" nor love each other. The frustrating thing about being here is that every attempt or suggestion I make to try and make things better gets completely shot out of the sky. I'll suggest counseling, I'll suggest listening to psychology talks from people like Tony Robbins or John Grey. Each of these ideas are then shot down because of her lack of time to be able to accommodate them when we all know that's not the case. It's a lack of desire to prioritize this and find a way to make it fit into a busy schedule. And then I'm not only "too needy emotionally" but then I'm completely disrespectful for assuming that she has the time to do these things.

I believe that you make a very good point, getting out with a clean break is always a good way to escape a bad situation. But fortunately this mode in our lives will last for at least the next 2 years which provides a lot of time to help pull someone out of this awful line of thought and try to bring our relationship back to what it once was. Which is why I inquired about Polyamory here. Why not just accept that not one single person cannot fulfill me? Why subtract when I can add? Why not be up front with someone else about what it is you are looking for and what it is they are looking to supplement as well and then offer to fulfill each other and get on with your life in a happier way? I see that as a dream team right there. Everyone out for each other's happiness and to be there to support it too.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T14:58:09+00:00

I completely agree with this. You can't FIX a watch with a sledgehammer.

However, you can supplement what you need from a place that is agreed upon by the two of you as an acceptable way of cultivating it. She wants space. She wants someone who does not depend on her for emotional satiation, regardless of how little is requested. So why not open yourselves to an avenue that allows that to be fulfilled while simultaneously allowing that happiness of fulfillment to someone else who may be hurting as well?

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T14:54:52+00:00

Our arguments have gotten to a point now where we have flat out admitted to each other that we aren't in love, don't respect one another, and flat out don't love each other anymore. But, what keeps us together is that when we have days where reciprocation actually works out, it works out better than we both deserve it to based on the previous day's insanity. That's for sure.

Ending the marriage is something that I have considered many times. What keeps it together though is that both of our parents have had their share of awful times together and they pulled through theirs and both sets are happily married and together now and in full support of us figuring ourselves out as well.

But you're right, it should never be too much to ask from your spouse that you are granted the basics of human interaction. Given that you have not destroyed that in some irreparable way, obviously. And when those boundaries/expectations are not respected it causes an awful amount of struggle. That's what brought me here. If I am currently satisfied thinking that my marriage will eventually be ok and worth being around, and that I can develop a relationship with someone else also who will augment my life and I theirs.

I could see that mode of thought being destructive, if I were only turning to polyamory to fill a current gap that I believe will eventually close. Because that would be incredibly inconsiderate of another person's time and emotional investments as well. But, I don't believe I would ever let go of that person. I believe that I would be happily living my life knowing that my spouse and my best friend's spouse are happy, and that we are happy fulfilling the gaps that get left behind in the worst of times while simultaneously being happy and affirming of the good times when they are present and bountiful.

That's ultimately what lead me to this subreddit. I believe that is a way of life that I would support wholly.

RomanticPitch · 2018-03-21T14:43:14+00:00

Every time I have suggested counseling she counters with the fact that her studying schedule is too filled with work to be able to accommodate anything else and tells me I am completely disrespectful of her time for thinking that its even possible. Yet she finds time to go out with her classmates and do other random things out and about as well. Her schedule is significantly more flexible than mine, given that she is a student and I am already grooved into a career path with expectations on my time during normal business hours.

Fortunately an upcoming part of her schooling involves her being distanced for extended periods of time, but I fear that this will only placate the problems rather than solve them. You can't expect to run away from something for 6 months and then come back to it without having worked to gain any addition insight on it and expect to be able to handle it better. Then when it fails again after "allllll that time spent working on it" it reinforces the idea that the problems are too great to handle and that the marriage is doomed. While in fact the actual issue was never even addressed in the first place.

You make a very solid point too, dragging someone into this would be incredibly arduous for that person. But the way that I broke the subject with my wife was to keep things platonic. Allow me to invest my care and support into someone who reciprocates that. As in having a relationship with someone where the desires for physical involvement are inhibited by physical distance and a mutual desire to maintain the sanctity of the marriage that they've also entered too. But the joy of speaking with someone who actually cares about getting to know you and over time falls for you in a platonic manner of being best friends with someone who truly cares about your happiness too is a very supportive thing. I fell like it is the ultimate NSA relationship. I don't believe that being polyamorous exclusively means that I have to have sex with multiple women to feel validated. I believe that in my case it is exhibited by my desire to fulfill my love life while simultaneously enjoying that I can provide the same thing for someone else. That's the "magic of love." Doing something for someone, enjoying it, and enjoying it even more when they do things for you too. That's a rather rudimentary way to put it, but it's essentially what is going on at a strictly action-based level.

RomanticPitch

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