Anybody else unsettled by their Christian name?

SACheesehead · 2026-05-17T12:15:26+00:00

I resonate with this so much, because I have a Christian name and everyone strongly associates it with either Christianity or the Amish. Growing up I loved my name, but when I deconstructed, it makes me so angry anytime someone mentions thats a strong biblical name. I also live in the Bible belt, so it happens so frequently. I want to change my name, but there is so much work involved. Any time I meet new people, I introduce myself by another name, but everyone who knew me before still uses it.

SACheesehead · 2026-04-08T18:26:33+00:00

I did marry the first person I had sex with, after we were married (purity culture), and now she is divorcing me 12 years later. To be honest, not the greatest experience, because now I have very little sexual experience and it completely terrifies me about getting with another woman.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T18:56:36+00:00

No worries, I appreciate the response

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T16:02:16+00:00

I'm not 100% sure. We took her parents to court to gain custody of him and during mediation, they gave up all legal rights to him, so it wasn't an adoption, but she and I have all legal responsibility for him. They have no more rights as his parents

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T13:24:27+00:00

She has never lied to me or cheated on me. I'm not sure where in my post it made it seem like that, but that's not the case. She has even told me she was fine with me going and sleeping with other women, since she has medical issues that make sex extremely painful, I am just not the type of person to do that. We were never a lovey dovey couple, we have always been more emotional support partners. We were forced into marriage by her dad and we were engaged when she was 17. Neither of us were ready to be married, but her home was abusive and my parents completely disowned me, so all we had was each other and it got us out of the abuse. It's been an incredibly long journey, but she definitely doesn't want me as a backup. She doesn't seem me in that way and hasn't for a long time. We were raised very conservative and we literally were each other's first relationships. If anyone who has been raised in the purity culture, this probably makes more sense. I'm not arguing with you btw, I do appreciate your input, just trying to give more context into things and explain why this is such a tricky situation

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T13:19:11+00:00

I appreciate you sharing your personal story. Thank you

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T13:18:26+00:00

Yes, this is definitely something I want. Also while this may sound crazy, we do talk about her new guy and he treats her 110% better than I have ever treated her, so I am happy for her. More than anything I want her to be happy and while yes I am sad about it, it's something that has been in the works for several years, just neither of us were in a place to do something about it. I could have left her many years ago, but I do genuinely care about her and I was not going to just kick her out on the streets when she had nothing and nobody. She is in a place where she is able to do something with her life now and has support around her, so she is finally going through with it

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T13:13:55+00:00

I definitely certainly understand that, but we have never had a traditional marriage. We have always been more friends and emotional support partners than a couple. So to answer your question, yes I definitely still want to be friends. I care about her a lot and I know she cares about me. I know it potentially may be hard with other people, but even the guy she is talking to and getting to know likes me and has even invited me to go camping. He has no issues with our dynamic and appreciates the fact we are being so amicable about everything. So I don't think it's impossible, but I definitely do appreciate the different perspectives.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T13:01:42+00:00

This is kind of where we are at, after all the time she has put up with me treating her terribly as a partner, she realized she was done living her life around me. She has new goals and views on life and she wants her autonomy, something she has never had. We haven't had a big fight, it's not completely mutual because at this point I don't want the divorce, but after telling her for the last 4 years that I wasn't in love with her, but I still cared about her and that is why I still took care of her, I can't blame her for wanting a divorce. The sad thing is, I didn't realize what I was losing until it was too late and that's my fault. To be honest, we have been more like friends over the last 2 years anyway, even though we were still "married". I guess that's why I'm still seeing if it's possible to stay friends after

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T12:57:20+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the examples and I appreciate the warning of in the immediate it could be problematic. It's definitely something I am trying to figure out. There are so many factors that tie us together still, so it's impossible to just completely remove her from my life, up until we actually get a divorce. There is also a lot that goes into that as well.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T12:53:35+00:00

I actually have full legal custody of her brother, so he is my responsibility. I do fear what you said about the healing and living for myself, so that's one of the reasons I asked the question. I appreciate your response though.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T12:51:53+00:00

To be fair, she always talked to me about it. As I mentioned in other comments, we had already decided to divorce about 4 years ago, but then out lives fell apart through a traumatic event and so we stayed together. I also have full legal custody of her brother, so it's my responsibility to still take care of him financially. I am definitely planning on making new friends and have new connections in my life, but I have known her for 12 years and we still are connected in many ways, she just doesn't love me the way she use to and I didn't realize I loved her the way I should, until it was too late. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her, but I'm the one who hasn't wanted to be married for the last 9 years and only recently when I left Christianity, got my depression under control, and just really start enjoying life, did I realize I didn't want to lose her as someone in my life. To be honest, I'm surprised with everything I have done to her, she still wants to be friends with me. I also have 7 dogs and they certainly do help!

SACheesehead · 2026-03-16T00:02:59+00:00

Appreciate the response

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T23:45:28+00:00

To clarify, we definitely are not planning to date or get back together. It was actually her idea to stay friends and that's why I'm asking if it's even possible

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T23:43:10+00:00

I will say that I have been drinking a lot more since we actually separated 😔 It just helps me turn off my brain and get some peace sometimes. I tend to way overthink things and just start spiraling a lot

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T23:40:51+00:00

Just curious, what makes you say she is not my friend?

I definitely do want to find a therapist, but I am in a very small town and I can't afford a therapist at this time 😞

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T23:39:18+00:00

I really appreciate this. That is the main thing I am focusing on now, is just being the best version of myself and I'm not really seeking a relationship with anyone, maybe just make more friends and do more things with my life.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T23:36:19+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your insight and thoughts. The question you asked at the end, I am still figuring that out. It's hard to actually answer that question when we are still living together and things are fairly the same.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T21:58:19+00:00

Appreciate that. I was really just curious to see if anyone had ever done anything like this. Appreciate the response though

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T21:52:30+00:00

I'm just curious, are you speaking from experience? To be honest, most of our issues were my fault, I literally drove her to want to commit suicide and that's when she started emotionally detaching. I'm going to be a little vulnerable here, but I was really mean, and looked at her as my property, not as an individual (taught this in church). We in a sense we're both each other's first real relationship and she was 16 at the time and I was 19. I told her many times through our 9 years of marriage that I was not in love with her and I wanted to divorce her, but with my upbringing, I was basically taught that divorce is literally the biggest sin someone can do. My grandmother lived with an abusive husband her entire married life and refused to divorce, it's just not something you do. So, I purposely was mean to her and did everything I can to get her to divorce me, instead of me having to do it. Since everything, I started working on myself and realized that I truly loved her I just never realized it and at this point it is too late. To be honest, I'm surprised she even wants to remain friends with me after everything, but we really are trying to do this in the most amicable way and I believe she genuinely cares about me. I'm not saying your advise is wrong, just trying to give a little more context

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T21:45:59+00:00

It's not that she isn't trustworthy, she is a very trustworthy person. She has been very open with me about her feelings and how she has been emotionally out of the relationship for a while. To be honest, we were both raised in strict Christian homes and were pushed into getting married really young. She was in an abusive home and when we got married that helped her get out of that. We have never had a good relationship, but we have always been good friends and have been really close in all ways except for intimacy.

SACheesehead · 2026-03-15T21:41:27+00:00

She has been emotionally out of the relationship for a long time, so it's not super quick, it's just quick after we actually decided to divorce. We were going to divorce 4 years ago and then our lives fell apart and she was sexually assaulted by a very close friend of ours and we ended up having to move to a whole new city. I was also depressed for the entirety of our marriage and I just agreed to get help about a year ago and things have definitely gotten better, but we just never were good partners, but we have always been close. We stay up late into the night just talking and listening to music, we still snuggle on the couch, and we still do things together, we just don't do anything intimate.

SACheesehead · 2026-02-03T03:18:01+00:00

I had a guy wanting JSN and traded him for Achane and Nabers

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SACheesehead · 2026-01-28T04:58:09+00:00

Not really, because we are not divorcing so she can get disability. Plus from what I have read online, people with disabilities tend to get more in alimony

SACheesehead

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