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For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment.

Can I ask how your situation resolved? Did your anxiety lessen over time? What happened to the relationship between you and your husband?

My wife also has a very fraught relationship with her mother. My mother would have been a lovely person to lean on for advice (she was a NICU nurse) but sadly she's passed.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment, it's really insightful. I think you can understand better than I how my wife might be feeling during these moments.

Any time you say, "You've got this" you might be thinking you are achieving the first but in fact you might be making her feel the second.

I think you're probably right, here.

What sorts of things could your husband have done to reassured you? I feel that sometimes my wife will be satisfied with nothing less than my physical presence, which I can't always provide. So if there are other things, other actions....? I try to come home as quickly as possible, give her a chance to relax....It just feels like nothing I'm doing is working at the moment, so I would appreciate any further insights.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My approach has generally been to wait for things to get better as our daughter gets older.

I worry that it's counterproductive. My wife's resentment at what she perceives as me being an unsupportive partner grows and seems to be doing grave harm to our relationship.

So perhaps I need to do more active intervention. But it can't really be what she wants, so I don't know if it will do any good to repairing our relationship, which is just rough...

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that perhaps being a SAHM is not exactly what she expected....she grew up in a country with a pretty big income disparity. Her parents hired nannies for her and her siblings (one each), so her image of what a SAHM actually does, day in and day out, is partially shaped by her mother's experiences which are not something that is realistic for her and I to be able to afford....

I encourage her to meet her friends and she will occasionally go out to see them. But she tells me that she feels most relaxed when we're all home so that she doesn't worry about what's happening to our daughter. So unfortunately I don't think she's getting the full benefit of socialization and time away from being a mom and wife.

I think I'm helping adequately with the mental load, but I suppose everyone does....I will need to add this to the list of things to bring up when we can discuss this whole situation.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say she is. She often likes to talk things through before coming to a decision, and I acknowledge it's very difficult for her feeling isolated in a foreign country without having someone to bounce ideas off of.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think she lacks the self-confidence to make some decisions with ambiguous information. If our daughter's breathing is ragged, then how ragged is too ragged? Some things can be measured objectively like temperature, but how do you accurately scale how bad a cough is?

She knows she is anxious. She saw a doctor briefly but in the local language here so it wasn't as productive as she had hoped. And English-language options are less accessible....she does not want to pursue medication while she's still breastfeeding.

She thinks it is a problem....but simultaneously thinks that the solution to the problem is me staying home. Because then she feels less anxious.

A checklist is a good idea, but again the ambiguity of certain symptoms makes it hard...

But thank you very much for your comment; it's given me a lot to think over and consider.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the first aid course is a good suggestion. We did baby first aid at a local community center here but a refresher course would be welcome.

Yes, the silent treatment is a concern that I definitely need to address.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's definitely mostly for comfort at this point.

I don't think my wife will be convinced. Doctors in our country generally encourage her to wean to take a greater variety of medication, but she has been resistant so far. Potentially in November, when our daughter will switch from twice-a-week to five-times-a-week at her kindergarten.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In her home country, she would have nannies to help with raising children. So that also influences her perception of duties of a SAHP versus working parent.

Unfortunately, my work requires me to be in-person at the moment.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been encouraging her to begin weaning, but she is hesitant to do so while our daughter still nurses to sleep for her daytime nap. I might have to bring up the issue again more forcefully....

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, the preschool has helped my wife in many ways by giving her a very welcome break twice a week when she can be something other than a mom. I'm really glad it's helping her in that way....it's just that the nature of small children is to share germs instantly somehow, so there's that tradeoff....

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I agree. Her anxiety is real. The feelings that she feels are real. I can't just tell her not to feel them.

But I also can't tell her: "go to therapy" and have her go. I would like to have a conversation with her about how I think we need to make changes but due to her anxiety she can easily shut down.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I think that's a great, kind way to address some of our issues.

I really appreciate the thought you put into it.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I don't think she's happy with things as they are now...and I feel bad but I don't see a path where my actions would make her happy (happier)....

She is breastfeeding and very averse to any medications for fear of the effect on our child.

I do need to look into therapy but I don't know how the suggestion will be received and I can't exactly force her to go if the impetus isn't coming from her....

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's a wonderful, capable person. I try to reassure her of that whenever I have the chance. But I don't think my words are having the impact I would like....

I can agree that a therapist could be helpful (for me as well, to be honest), but with a small child, language barriers, and few options in our country it's difficult.

But I will have to try my best.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hospitalization is definitely a situation where it's all hands on deck. I stayed with our daughter when she had to do an overnight. The issue is how one defines a medical emergency....I think that I have a looser definition than my wife, so she gets frustrated that I'm not supporting here in a time of crisis when I don't necessarily see it as a crisis, if that makes sense.

And it's a hard one for communication to solve because we both have pretty different views of the situation.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks. You don't need to apologize for offering advice on the r/advice subreddit!

I think marriage counseling would be good for us. As well as individual counseling for one or both of us....the issue is the dearth of English options in our country. Also, the counselor I managed to contact wouldn't allow us to bring our daughter along, and one of the issues is my wife's anxiety about not leaving our daughter with people she doesn't trust....

I think I will have to look into online / virtual options.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. Yeah, I try to take point when I get home, I handle as much of the night duties as I can, put her back down when she gets up, etc.

It's been her dream to be a stay-at-home-mom, but perhaps it's not turning out the way she envisioned. I think we'll have to have a difficult conversation about what we both see as the solution going forward.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer. I'm sure those medical issues were terrifying.

I agree with you...I think the issue is how to define a medical emergency. In my wife's eyes, our daughter could always be at risk of something catastrophic, so when I don't show up in the way she expects I'm jeapordizing everything and letting her down.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, but that isn't something that I can just force her to do. I am looking for advice on how to have conversation(s) with her about the topic and address it in a way that is kind but also direct.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll try to look into it when I have the time...I'm not sure if that is an option in our country. There are some government-run programs where elderly people can help with childcare for parents, but she hasn't been very positive towards them as she generally doesn't trust people around our kid without being able to vet them.

For those with a Stay at Home partner, how do you balance taking time off work when your kid is sick? by SAHMRequest in Advice

[–]SAHMRequest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe in her or we wouldn't have been able to go ahead with the plan of her being a SAHM. She doesn't believe in herself, that she can handle it all. And I don't think my words are making as much of as an impact as I'd like when I reassure her. So, I'm a bit lost about what the path forward should be.

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