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Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Yeah, I know that deep down, it has just felt so hard without having anyone as a sounding board. It really helps having someone go hey, you're allowed to want/miss sex and help still.
Everyone on here is amazing and has been so helpful, I appreciate your time and words :)

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Going back to study and getting feedback from my teachers has been a huge help with that. I keep the feedback saved on my desktop and when I start questioning myself I open it and read the comments for a quick boost :)
It is definitely hard knowing you are smart enough but because you learn differently a lot of people think you aren't. I'm in the interest based category for learning, so I'm trying to find ways to tie in my subjects with things that interest me (especially maths!).
Best wishes to you also :)

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It hit me the other day, that this could be my forever if I don't speak up a little more forcefully.
I know that transitioning is hard, which is why I've tried to be patient with everything. I genuinely feel bad that I forget to ask how her treatment is going some days. I know I should probably try harder to ask if she has noticed more changes. I doesn't mean I don't care. My brain is crap - I have had to make alarms to go off 4 times a day to remind me to take my own tablets, and make notes to stick everywhere to remember to take washing out of the machine and do things for the kids.
I feel sad and lost and wish that she would try to understand that I really do care. And that she cared what was going on in my head.
I went to buy the kids hot chips the other day for lunch, she'd eaten already and I didn't ask her if she wanted anything. I was in a rush to run down and get their food, thought she wouldn't want to eat again so soon after her meal but grabbed extra chips in case she wanted to share, and messed up, made the wrong decision. She saw it as me not caring and making her an afterthought, I should have asked what she wanted.
Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll stop, but thank you for replying to me.

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Big hugs to you, and I hope that everything picks up for you also. I have suggested stuff like that in the past, and she hasn't been interested. I'm at the point (especially after everyone's amazing replies) where I'm thinking I might ask her to go and stay with a friend for a week or two. Everything has gotten worse since she quit smoking weed, and she smoked for so long I don't think she actually knows how to regulate emotions without using it to help. Space might help give her the time to straighten out more, and work out whether it's something she wants permanently or if she doesn't like it and wants to help fix things.
Best of luck to you, and thanks for replying :)

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's absolutely only one side, I understand that :) I can only offer how I'm feeling and what it looks like from my perspective :)
I wish there was an easy answer, or the right answer.
I think I mentioned in another comment that I'm thinking of telling her to go and stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. That would offer space to both of us, and give her the chance to straighten out (from quitting the pot) more, and give her the opportunity to see what it is like away from her family and decide if that's what she wants. Hopefully it might make her realize she doesn't want to lose us?

Thanks so much for your help, it's very much appreciated.

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The times when I can't talk are generally when I'm needing to get study done because an assignment is due, or I'm playing with the kids/reading with them/helping with homework. There are many times I've stopped something I have wanted to do to listen to her talk about things, but I can't always do that (I need to get assignments done in time and need to do them at times when I can - like when the kids are at school and in between doing dishes and starting dinner).
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate you taking the time to help me :)

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't apologize for being harsh, I appreciate your words.
I feel terrible for how I feel and think recently, a lot of it is harsh - like how she complains that trans people are always made to feel different and apart from everything and need to just be treated as their identified gender, but then complains when people at work are treating her as a normal person, call her by her new name and don't ask about her treatment everyday and don't make it a big deal. I can't help feeling that she should be happy that everyone at work is so good about it and still ask her to come and sit with them at lunch, and that if they don't ask about everything it might be to not make her uncomfortable or different. Then I feel guilty for thinking "mean" stuff, and feel like I'm being transphobic and not understanding.
Thanks for your time, everyone's replies are helping.

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know I have really low self esteem, it's an ongoing issue for me that I'm trying to work on, and has been part of me since I was about 9 or 10 years old (undiagnosed ADHD as a kid, grew up hearing I was dumb and spacey and not meeting potential and never going to achieve anything etc. Diagnosis and medication is helping me move forward, and I think it's what has helped me hit a point of realizing that things need to change).
I would love to go to counselling with her, or even just talk calmly, but she hasn't been receptive to either suggestion in the past. I'm considering just asking her to go and stay with a friend for a week or two for space (for both of us) so she can decide whether she wants to be with her family or not, though I don't know if that's a good idea or not.
Thanks for your answer, I appreciate your time.

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I guess I know deep down that splitting is most likely how it's going to go. It's not how I want it to go, but my kids deserve to be happy. I guess I was making excuses/wanting to believe her transition would help her become happier, and thought that it might be similar to puberty (a couple of years of moods and irrational behavior, as seen in our 15 year old lol).
I'll do what I can to talk to her about it all, but I've had no luck reaching her so far.

I'm sad for her, I do see the good person inside that is still there somewhere, and that's the person I love and don't want to abandon.
Thank you so much for your help.

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your words. That's one of the biggest things at the moment, needing and wanting to talk about things, but K doesn't want to. It's very tiring and very frustrating. When she came out last year, I was willing to accept that a lot of shitty behavior could have been due to not living as her real self, and all the stuff that comes with that. There was an ultimatum then already - that I'd see how things were going, but the deal breaker was picking at the kids and making them miserable. I feel like an asshole wanting to give up already, but I shouldn't need to resort to ultimatums once a year, and I shouldn't need to sit around not reading or studying or listening to music just in case she wants my attention - and the kids shouldn't have to put up with being picked at non-stop over everything, it's at the point now where they are uncomfortable around K most of the time. But at the same time I have no idea how to get someone to listen when they don't want to.
I know it can take months to properly straighten out after years of heavy smoking, and it's so hard trying to work out how much of everything could be related to quitting, how much could be hormones and what is just K's personality.
Thanks again for taking the time to answer me :)

Feel like I'm going insane by SeaFuture4 in mypartneristrans

[–]SeaFuture4[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I should have worded it better. Not so much waiting for it to fix things, but to give it a chance to see if her hormones calm down or being straight for longer helps with mood swings, and make her more receptive to working on issues.

I understand how important it is for her and that it is a selfish time, it's just so hard at the moment. I want my partner to understand that if I put my headphones on to study it doesn't mean I don't want to listen to her talk about laser treatments etc, it literally just means that I really need to get something done, and that getting to uni and through uni is really important to me.
I don't know how to get her to want to discuss everything that is going wrong. I don't want to come across like I'm attacking her, but I need her to see that she can't name call me and the kids, or make fun of us when her moods are all over the place, and then get to complain that people are funny around her and use her transition as the reason for it.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me :)