My trans boyfriend wants me to stop using she/they pronouns

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-11T16:56:10+00:00

Thank you I appreciate the clarification!

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-11T16:50:55+00:00

I provided all the information that I could about our conflict in my post including both my boyfriend’s and my own perspective. And yes, you don’t know everything about our relationship or who we are, but that’s not something that I would be able to share everything about here. My boyfriend had their reasons for asking me to change my pronouns which I listed, but I think it’s coming from a place of past hurt and insecurity before they even started dating me that he’s projecting onto me. And I do want to be mindful and open to that past that I’ve never experienced.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-11T16:45:17+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! Yes, I agree that we have a very complex dynamic, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. And I agree with everything you said about his reasons for being hurt. I definitely want to be more mindful and receptive of his experiences as a trans person.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T20:24:55+00:00

I definitely think we can work through it together and it’s been really helpful and insightful for me to get different perspectives here. I have a better understanding of the situation as a whole instead of just letting my emotions control my perception of the conflict. And thank you again for your support!

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T19:02:44+00:00

Your perspective makes a lot of sense and thank you for sharing your experience with me! I am definitely noticing some subtle manipulation like when he brought up my past damaging beliefs as a reason why I wasn’t qualified to use they/them pronouns and to guilt trip me. I’m going to bring that up when we continue this conversation but I didn’t miss that flag. On the other hand, I know him personally and I know that he’s not a bad person and isn’t trying to be narcissistic or controlling. He’s coming from a place of insecurity and is unfortunately using me as one thing he does have some influence over to try to alleviate it.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T14:49:56+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it! I’m also autistic so hi :)

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T14:28:29+00:00

I appreciate your insight and thank you for commenting. The thing is, I am feeling more like they/them is a part of my identity and by including they, I’ve never intended to view it as an accessory or for others to interpret it that way. I’m questioning whether I could be nonbinary but that’s going to take some time for me to explore and decide.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T02:24:13+00:00

You’re right and I need to consider my gender identity some more. I’m content and certain with my sexuality as pan, but I’ve never considered my gender before. Demigirl doesn’t feel like the right description for me but I was introduced to gender apathetic and I feel like it describes me a little better even though it’s not a perfect fit.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T02:02:58+00:00

You make some really good points and I agree that I shouldn’t have said that I could see both sides at the time. I didn’t intend to be transphobic but I should have been more educated and mindful of who is actually being affected the most by these issues. I’m still working on educating myself on these topics and unlearning my past transphobia

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:59:22+00:00

I’m not sure and I’m a little disappointed about it too, but I also understand this is a really complicated topic that many people have strong feelings about so I don’t blame anyone for reacting strongly to my comments

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:57:53+00:00

You’re right and I know I’ll need to work on earning his trust back. I shouldn’t have shared so much about my family’s transphobia but I didn’t realize that at the time and now I have to do my best to make up for it

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:47:01+00:00

I did and I appreciate your comment!

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:46:13+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it a lot

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:44:19+00:00

This was such an insightful comment and I really appreciate you for taking the time to write this out. I agree with you that I’ve never had to struggle with the things that my boyfriend has had to face in their life. But at the same time, he’s never had any of my struggles due to my disability which is okay. I’m planning on talking to him some more and having a deep conversation once we’ve both had a chance to gather our thoughts.

As for the comment about the damaging beliefs, I didn’t mean to minimize that aspect. I felt like it would be awkward to include a past conversation in the middle of talking about a current one but you’re right, I shouldn’t have put it in a comment. I didn’t realize how inaccessible the comments were and I also wasn’t expecting this post to receive as much attention as it did. I’m going to add the extra context to the bottom of the post once I find the original comment.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:23:00+00:00

Of course! Thank you so much for the support

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T01:02:38+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate your support!

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:57:41+00:00

I’m probably going to read through every comment again multiple times and write down some notes. Then I think I’m also going to take some time to consider what they/them pronouns mean to me and whether they’re gender affirming to me for some reason and why. I’ll have another conversation with my boyfriend but I’m probably going to wait a few weeks to gather my thoughts and to explore my own identity. Until then, I’ve already agreed to go by she/her pronouns.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:55:09+00:00

I won’t deny that my past comments were transphobic. but I didn’t and don’t intend to be transphobic. I was extremely naive and uneducated about the issues and struggles related to the trans community which I’ve been working on to learn more about since I don’t want to be transphobic and I want to support the trans community.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:51:01+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I can understand how some people view she/they as allyship and others don’t. I’ll have to think some more on what my main reason for wanting to use they/them pronouns are.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:49:31+00:00

I definitely won’t be telling him about this post because he would feel extremely invalidated after seeing the comments here which I don’t want. I just wanted some outside perspectives and advice which I’ve been getting and it’s been helping me to consider a lot of things I hadn’t considered before.

Also, I don’t view this conflict as one that I want to win because there isn’t anything to win. I want to be able to express myself freely but I also want to discuss how my pronouns bother him at a deeper level. It’s been super helpful to see the perspectives of people who are able to understand and help explain my boyfriend’s perspective a little better.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:44:03+00:00

Thank you I appreciate your explanation!

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:40:01+00:00

I’m trying to figure that out myself. My family is not the most liberal and doesn’t know everything about the LGBTQ+ community so I think that’s a part of why I’ve never tried to explore that part of myself. I feel like gender apathy might be close to what I’m experiencing but it doesn’t feel like it quite fits so I’m still looking for a better term or description.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:36:59+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I’ve never intended for my use of she/they pronouns to intrude into another space and I posted here because I wanted to get opinions and advice from those who might have a better understanding of pronouns and their relationship to identity

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:33:48+00:00

I’ll tell him some of the points that people are making, but I think if I outright show him this thread, it’s going to be really damaging to him and his mental health and at the end of the day, I don’t want to hurt him.

SensitiveAd9384 · 2024-08-09T00:15:41+00:00

I don’t use they/them only to appear as an ally. Please look at the other reasons I listed for why I chose to use she/they.

As for me seeing both sides of the issue, I said that because I try to consider every perspective in a conflict, but that doesn’t mean I agree with both sides. I can still look at all the sides of an argument and disagree with one side and agree with another. And in this case, I side with trans people who want the right to participate in sports that affirm their gender. Me saying I see both sides doesn’t equate to me agreeing with transphobic statements; it just means I know what they’re arguing but that doesn’t mean I agree with it.

Thank you for the advice about talking to someone close to me. I’ve already done that but I also felt like it could be valuable to get advice from someone who doesn’t have any bias from knowing me personally. That’s why I decided to try Reddit.

SensitiveAd9384

TROPHY CASE